How to manage grandchild situation

[Blueflipflops]

My son is doing very well for himself, he is married and has lived abroad with his wife for the last 5 years earning good money. He has a son who is 2 , let’s call him Jack. As they lived abroad, Jack doesn't really know us.

My son, his wife and Jack have recently returned to the Uk and he lives close by. I was so happy that they were returning and I was now able to get to know Jack.

Jack has had one main care giver, his mum. From my observations, Jack hasn’t had many interactions with any other humans. He hasn’t been socialised at all and is always by his mums side or on her hip. He will always choose his mum over his dad in getting his needs met.

Now, getting to the point….
Jack is absolutely terrified of us. He cries, physically trembles, clings onto his mum petrified that she is going to put him down. He is hyper alert watching our every move. He won’t come any where near us. I would go to say that he presents as being traumatised when in our company.
It’s absolutely heart breaking that Jack is so fearful of us.

I don’t believe these behaviours are due to an undiagnosed condition, I think it’s because he has been isolated and lack of socialisation.

Yesterday, I had to drop an item off at my sons, I knocked and let myself in as they were expecting me. Jack took one look at me, ran to his mum and started to tremble and cry.

In 2 years, I have never held him, picked him up, fed him, played with him, sang to him, rocked him to sleep, pushed his pram. It’s heartbreaking, I don’t know the best way forward. It has now come to the point where I dread seeing him as it’s so awful for everyone involved. No one knows what to do to make things better.

Do I keep my distance so he is not further traumatised by my visiting or do I persevere in trying to build a relationship?

I think little and often is the key. No big fuss, no worrying if he's clingy or scared, that's just how he is today. just be accepting and take him as he is. Don't push anything, but dropping round things every day is good. We moved near family 6 months ago and my confident 2.5 year old became overwhelmed with all the changes and much more clingy than usual. It took several months but now both my kids have a v loving relationship with their grandparents. Little and often is the key. I'm so happy they have their grandparents around, although the move was stressful for everyone it's lovely now we have family nearby.

Why are people so horrible? Why does she not have the right to get to know her grandson?

You might not be aware of how you are presenting?

Your post opens with how proud you are of your son and moves to blame your grandchild’s negative behaviours on his mother’s parenting. Do you feel more critical of her than of your son? I’m not sure what his salary has to do with his son’s behaviour at all to be honest!

Maybe reset a little and try to be as warm as possible to both mum and dad. Mum has presumably emigrated to bring you guys together?

My daughter was pretty similar. She was born during COVID. I was considered extremely clinically vulnerable so I didn't have any visitors. I went out for a walk at most and actively avoided people. When she met my parents she would scream if the even looked at her. He was visibly frightened by them. Anyhow, now she loves them to pieces. She'll go on her own for the day occasionally. It gets easier. I think you need to be distant but present. Dont force yourself on him. Have you tried meeting at neutral places like the park?

Had you met them before?

It sounds completely normal to me, my dc don't run to my FiL because they don't know him. It takes time to build a relationship and OPs grandson sounds very like my 2nd child after covid. He wasn't used to other family members or having them in his space.

He absolutely adores my MIL now and will run to her and be excited to be with her, but 3 years ago he would scream when she looked at him. I imagine an international move would be hugely difficult for a small child who can't articulate his feelings or even understand why everything is different.

Op, just don't force yourself on him. Like others said, let him see you having a good relationship with this primary care givers, join on days out if possible and just normal everyday things to show that you're a part of his day to day life. Good suggestions up thread about bringing bubbles or a couple of little toys (cars, animal or dinosaur toys) and sit on the floor playing or setting them up it might pique his interest a little and be a conversation starter (my ds loved wooden stacking animal toys at that age and MIL got him some and stacked them up for him to knock down, it was great for a no pressure interaction). Most importantly, just be consistent, don't be put off if it doesn't work as fast as you'd like, these things can take a lot of time.

I would take him a toy he is fascinated by and bring it away with you and then take it each time. Don't hand it to him, let his Mum do that and the taking away. He will associate your presence with the toy and that would be a start.

Otherwise, as others have said. Just interact with everyone else as normal.

^^ little exposures.
My DD was so shy of one of my closest friends and would be so worried when she came round. Little exposures such as pictures, nice stories about my friend, ad hoc visits and now DD is happy to see my friend. The same went for paternal grandma who she didn't see often.

She was never like this with my parents however she saw them everyday as they're more or less next door. So constant exposure.

Some kids are shy and nervous!

Because to her grandchild, she's a stranger. It's not about her rights to know her grandson, it's about the feelings of a very small child who doesn't know her.

Little and often approach. Quite likely due to the huge upheaval in his life, change of home and country.

Just be there, have a cup of tea a few times a week. Don’t enforce yourself for cuddles (I’m sure you’re not) and gradually he’ll get used to you. I’m sure it’s hard but I’m sure this time next year you’ll be getting loads of interaction from him. Two is still tiny and they still often only want their mums or dads.

Also adults don’t have rights over kids, only responsibilities.

You might have a responsibility as a parent to ensure your child has an understanding of their heritage and the opportunity to know their grandparents.

As an adult around a child you’ve got a responsibility to respond and adapt to meet them where they are.

Even if that is true (evidence?), recent emigration could well be traumatic for a toddler.

DO NOT attempt to hug Mum while she is holding Jack, DO NOT get between Jack and Mum

My impression, and I may way off, is that the OP tried to push physical interaction, hugs, kisses, picking him up, and scared him. He's only 2 y.o.

Because she doesn't, its as simple as that. She definitely has no right to insist that he should interact with her.

I would focus on being a reassuring presence in his life. My MIL lived close when my kids were smaller and when she first arrived they were a bit wary, especially if she tried to lay the law down. That’s also fairly annoying for the parents.

Their relationship really blossomed when they were a bit older and she was interested in what they had to say - and vice versa.

Entirely agree.

I think it is on the scale of normal. My more social child was terrified of unknown children trying to approach or play with him until he was nearly 4. The other one hated any man with a beard.

Absolutely agree with everyone who has said to do little and often without trying to actively engage him. Eg sit down and do some colouring, playdough or sand play by yourself and see if he becomes interested enough to join in. It must be hard for you to have missed his early life, so I can see why you are excited to have a relationship now. It will just take more time.

Different I know but my 10 month year old sometimes freaks out when people are in our home. Are you a loud person? Some kids really don't like that. She's much better when out and about. Could you meet at the playground? Don't approach him, maybe wave from a few metres away. You could try bringing bubbles and play with them on the ground by yourself and see if he approaches. Basically sort of ignore him but doing fun stuff. You could eat a yummy cupcake and have a spare. It might take a lot of attempts on different days but hopefully he'd gradually get to like you. Good luck.

I don’t know heritage if DIL but if they have been living in a country where everyone except dad is same ethnicity as mum (and dad perhaps has been a barely there figure as he’s been at work) someone coming in his new home who looks and sounds totally different to his norm is going to be unsettling.

PS Have you checked they are honestly happy for you to let yourself in? DH didn’t like it but didn’t want to upset MIL by telling her that. It’s a big change from living far away to being on the doorstep…

It's probably not 'huge' for him, tbf. He's 2. He's simply moved house with his parents and his things, as 1000s of children do daily.

My son was so clingy to me until he was about 2. It wasn't lack of socialisation. It was just the way he was. He is now 4 and outgoing and lovely. Very articulate and has stayed overnight with othet people.
My parents in law made a massive deal about him having "separation issues". I haven't really forgiven them for the way they went on about it. Tread carefully with that.
Just get to know your grandson. Little and often. Don't expect too much. And small token gifts will help.

Oh come on, moving countries is a huge deal. Everything is different. The food, the people, the accents, the smell, the weather, the plants. Some kids might take in their stride, others won't.

I will say that one of my ds was similar to this. Nothing to do with not being socialised. He went to nursery from 1yo, we visited family, took him to parks, soft play, toddler groups.

He absolutely hated everyone apart from myself, dh and his brother. He particularly hated mil and would lash out if she went near him, scream and cry. He was very clingy always wanting to be held and slept in our bed.

He grew out of it. Simple as that. He still treats strangers with a hint of suspicion. But once he knows someone he's a friendly and very loving boy.

There's no point blaming your dil for all of this.

You need to understand that your grandson is a person in his own right. You don't have the right to hold him, cuddle him or play with him. You have to earn his trust and build the relationship. Sadly it hasn't come naturally, probably in part because he's lived in another country and doesn't know you. He's 2 years old. He isn't going to understand your feelings.

If you are patient and persistent then you will have a relationship with him eventually.