How to manage grandchild situation

[Blueflipflops]

My son is doing very well for himself, he is married and has lived abroad with his wife for the last 5 years earning good money. He has a son who is 2 , let’s call him Jack. As they lived abroad, Jack doesn't really know us.

My son, his wife and Jack have recently returned to the Uk and he lives close by. I was so happy that they were returning and I was now able to get to know Jack.

Jack has had one main care giver, his mum. From my observations, Jack hasn’t had many interactions with any other humans. He hasn’t been socialised at all and is always by his mums side or on her hip. He will always choose his mum over his dad in getting his needs met.

Now, getting to the point….
Jack is absolutely terrified of us. He cries, physically trembles, clings onto his mum petrified that she is going to put him down. He is hyper alert watching our every move. He won’t come any where near us. I would go to say that he presents as being traumatised when in our company.
It’s absolutely heart breaking that Jack is so fearful of us.

I don’t believe these behaviours are due to an undiagnosed condition, I think it’s because he has been isolated and lack of socialisation.

Yesterday, I had to drop an item off at my sons, I knocked and let myself in as they were expecting me. Jack took one look at me, ran to his mum and started to tremble and cry.

In 2 years, I have never held him, picked him up, fed him, played with him, sang to him, rocked him to sleep, pushed his pram. It’s heartbreaking, I don’t know the best way forward. It has now come to the point where I dread seeing him as it’s so awful for everyone involved. No one knows what to do to make things better.

Do I keep my distance so he is not further traumatised by my visiting or do I persevere in trying to build a relationship?

Has he just turned 2, or nearly 3? At 2 my oldest was very like this, it’s normal for some more introverted kids and it’s probably just his personality. My youngest is different and more outgoing. She was socialised well (whatever that means, she’s not a dog! 😂) and went to nursery. But at just 2 she used to actually cry when strangers tried to speak to her…she had a very strong bond to me, and still does. Now at 7 she is much better although never going to be the most outgoing person…which is fine. So I bet it will improve in time, and also highly unlikely to be anything the parents have or haven’t done…in fact it’s healthy to be most comfortable around the main care giver. If kids are immediately becoming very comfortable with strangers (which you in effect are at the moment) it’s more of a red flag IMO.

this was our scenario

it was not my (the mum’s) fault it was to do with DS’s (much later discovered) neurodiversity as well as DS being super bonded to us as we had no family abroad.

luckily the grandparents were patient and did not force anything and by age 4/5 he was very outgoing and independent

my MIL was super excited the first time my son accepted his hand being held by her, at age 3

i am glad they never blamed me, and maybe you should stop blaming the mum and just be patient and not force anything, and your grand child will eventually come to you

I’m no expert, but my gut feeling is that he needs to see that you and his mother have a close end trusting relationship. He is still very little and will grow more independent as he gets older.

In addition to the points most others are making I wonder whether letting yourself in is scaring him, especially if nobody did that where he lived before. A strange adult suddenly being in the house is scary. If you rang the bell and his mum opened the door and seemed pleased to see you and let you in, that'd be a less startling entry and he'd see that you're meant to be in the house.

Do you crouch down or sit on the floor? Maybe you could sit on a picnic blanket in the garden and blow bubbles and just be relaxed and a little silly. Just keep it very low key. He's only 2. A lot of babies are like this.

does not sound normal at all to me…..my GC came running to me at 2

This is great advice.

I would also add what is implied - this is one of those situations where you really have to step into the role of thick-skinned grown-up, simply refuse to take any of this personally and go about your business.

Think jolly hockeysticks, stiff upper lip, water off a duck's back, keep calm and carry on and total blithe confidence that all will come right! (And it will).

And think about how you're going to work this into his 21st birthday speech!

same here. I am surprised that no one has mentioned the problems with children in lockdown which were very similar. OP dial it back.

Maybe he's picking up on the fact that you clearly resent his mother and disapprove of her parenting? Kids are very perceptive

Blueflipflops
It's great that they are back in the UK and I hope you can slowly build a relationship with 'Jack'. Don't do or say anything at all to jeopardise your relationship with his parents.

Could you knock on the door instead of letting yourself in so he has a warning someone is arriving? One day he might be there, at the door, excited to see you! 🙂

Agree with cat comment.
Also think meet ups outside of home eg at the park, soft play etc where child is already having fun, can help.

Pretty common under those circumstances. Think you've been given some great advice. Maybe plan in your head that things will be different in a year of going vvv slowly.

Pesky kids never fall in with our plans for them do they 😊.

I've known plenty of children like this even without your specific circumstances. You have 'known' him his whole life but he's 'known' you for 5 minutes! He'll come around in time. He's going through a lot of change. I don't think you'll be posting this in a year or even 6 months. Your comment coming to a conclusion that this is because he's under socialised isn't helping anyone, even you. A small child's world revolves around their parent/parents for a number of years and circles out to other relationships from that. Honestly, you don't know it's that he's not neuro diverse.
I can understand that you are desperate to connect with him. Go to his house. Interact with his parents. Your relationship with them will help him to form one with you. He'll see you are 'safe' in time. Do activities alongside them. Go to the park. Stand in front of the swing with his mum and take it in turns with her to push the swing so he sees you together. Sit on the floor with some toys and 'play' with them. Curiousity may help him to connect. Try this at your own house too.
Do remember, that while this must be very painful for you, he's not trying to hurt you. It's not 'personal'

Along with all the tips on letting him come to you, there are other things as well that might help with him being more familiar with the idea of you. We were very close to one set of grandparents but the others lived a long way away.

A picture of you somewhere in the house so grandma and grandad can be mentioned when they pass it. We used to have a tape of poems and stories read by them (there's probably a more modern equivalent!) so we could listen to "Granny's tape".

Basically they were mentioned a bit more so we always knew they were part of the family.

stop judging his parenting and criticizing his personality. It is oozing off the screen and the child can probably sense it as well.

Give the child time to get to know you. He will become comfortable eventually.

@jokish

OP is not claiming her ‘rights’. She is rightly concerned that a two year old child appears to be at the social stage of a much younger child, and that he is not being socialised by having a relationship with anyone much other than his mother. The toddler years are an immensely important stage in child development, when they start to detach from the primary carer and explore the wider world.

There would not appear to be any long standing problem in the family, as the son has chosen to live near his family on his return to the UK.

OP, is your DIL British or did your son meet and marry her while working abroad? Does she have family and / or friends in this country or in the vicinity. I wonder if she is feeling isolated and is so interdependent with Jack for company and support. If so, she may need help in acclimatising herself.

My granddaughter was born just before the pandemic, so for the first year she didn't see anyone apart from her parents, and only fleeting garden visits when allowed with me. When her mum had to go back to work she had to come to me, and although I'd had a bit more interaction then, she was very unnerved for the first couple of weeks. However, when grandad walked into the room she would scream and cry and run to me. Sometimes she only had to hear his voice to run to me, he couldn't be in the same room.
It took a while, but she gradually got used to him, bit by bit, slowly getting used to him by holding her and walking into the same room as him, sitting next to him on the settee briefly, that sort of thing.
Fast forward a few months and she would run to him first to hug him if both of us were there, and now he's her best friend. If given the choice she'll hold his hand rather than mine, she adores him. Give it time and go slowly.

You seem very judgemental of your Dil and not your son.
Has your son always left the majority of the childcare to his wife? It's obvious the child would be clingy to his mother if that's all he's used to.
Poor kid has to get used to a new country, a new home and new people, of course he's overwhelmed.
You need to go really slowly here, video calls instead of physical meet ups, then meeting in a park where he is happy to play and interact with you from a distance, if you then visit and he gets upset let his mum take him upstairs or wherever he is most comfortable.
Let him know that you're a friendly face but ready to take things at his pace.
It won't take long before you here from his parents that he's talking about you and asking after you.

@whykeepchanging describing yourself as your child’s owner doesn’t make you sound quite as knowledgeable as you think. Your one child that you “own” is the one behaving “abnormally”, it’s very normal for 2 year olds to be clingy and dislike other people. Normal to the point that when they start nursery at 3 they still have issues with being separated from their parents. Perhaps try treating your child as a human rather than a pet and you’ll understand what’s normal or not.

When did they first meet you?

This child has just come into a situation where everything is new and unfamiliar, then he has these two grandparents who maybe come on too strong for him, given you are strangers to him. Are you trying too hard? Coming on too strong for him?

Being grandparents doesn't mean he has an automatic bond with you. Give it time, focus on visiting the parents and letting Jack come to you in his own time, in his own way. I'm sure it will happen if you just give him space and let him get to know you on his terms.

You need to take several steps back here and stop trying to force a relationship at this stage. Patience is key.

I’d never walk straight into my adult DC’s houses. That’s plain rude and makes you seem very bossy and demanding. Unless you treat your DIL like your most admired friend, you’re unlikely to progress very quickly with either of them.

We also live abroad from our DGC. We’ve only seen the oldest one briefly over the last 10 years but they came to visit us this summer and he stayed on his own with us for a fortnight and we all had a great time.

It’s extreme but within the realms of normal.my 2 yr old isn’t like this but can be fake shy this comes with chattering teeth and hammy acting

You need to be more patient and I would really try and be incredibly calm in his presence and focus on interactions with the parents. Ignore / indifference.
children do pick up on your vibes. If your anxious and stressed it won’t help.

also if you son/ SIL is okay with it I’d bring over small gifts. Our relatives often bring colouring books a pot of playdoh or a ball or kinder surprise (this is honestly a smash hit and it’s barely any chocolate vs normal treats)
small “useable” things that don’t take up space.

I would seek your son and dil guidance on all this and how they’d like you to approach it and withhold ALL judgement and 😵‍💫😒 faces about your their parenting…although candidly what you describe isn’t my style of parent and I’d struggle not to express that… but you’ll need both of them, and especially her, on side.

Would not advise video calls btw.
They are much more expectation driven "come and say hello to Granny" - or if that doesn't happen, you are not present enough to become "not a threat".

Needs to be you physically meeting, but putting no pressure on to interact.

I'd just do interesting things eg make some play dough and take it over and start playing with it. Or a fun toy that you play with, or start reading out loud from a book. Anything that will pique his curiosity. No big deal if he joins in or not. I like the cat analogy above. The more you ignore the more they want you.