Neighbour friendship 13year old with 4 & 2 year old?

[JusWunderin]

I don’t like it personally and I need to know if I’m just being silly.

My 4yo DD and 2yo DS regularly play out in the garden.

A 13yo boy keeps climbing up onto the fence and talking to the kids, my DD keeps telling me now how they’re best friends and they are not strangers.. I keep reminding her they ARE in fact strangers.

Hes asked multiple times to come play in our garden. But I’ve said no. I just don’t like the fact he’s 13, he’s in secondary school. My children aren’t even in school yet.

Weve had multiple letters on our estate about the children causing nuisance, damage ect and I know this boy hangs around with the bunch of kids on the estate that have been caught doing these things. he’s also stolen a football of ours.. DD threw it over to him after he asked her too and when DH asked for it back they said they don’t know what ball we’re talking about.. family haven’t been helpful either. We watched her throw the ball to him from inside, so we know they have it 😂

I feel horrible keep telling my DD no he can’t come over and she’s doesn’t understand the age difference. I just find it odd.

He’s got friends over to play right now and he’s just hanging out over fence asking to come over. I want him to go away tbh 😂

I don’t want to outright tell him to go away, or cause any bad feelings - but I also don’t want this to continue.

There's just something creepy about an older child watching 2 very young children all the time.

I'd tell him on no uncertain terms that he is violating your privacy and to leave the children alone.

I would be tempted to put a trellis on top of the fence to make it more difficult for him to look over and next time just say, leave the kids please they are a lot younger than you and won’t be playing with older children

I agree, I would add a tall trellis to the fence, or some sort of a mesh. Sounds like this kid has really poor boundaries, he could climb into your garden when you are away, for example.

Trust your gut. You can live with maybe hurting his feelings by telling him to go away, but you will struggle to live with yourself if it is the worse case scenario and he tries to harm one of your children.

I was abused by a family member. I also ran wild and turned up at various neighbours homes.

Of course OP cares about her small children and is vigilant and careful. But not every single person is out to cause trouble.

A parent has an unequivocal right to protect children. Yes.

No need to feel queasy.

"We don't talk over the fence. Please stop it. Thank you"

we'll have to disagree then

I haven’t read the full thread yet as just returned, but yes I would feel similarly, if not the same. Any teenage child male or female doesn’t need to be friends with a 4 and 2 year old.

Sorry also just to add, by neighbours, our gardens are backed into eachother, so they live on another street to us we’re not side-by-side neighbours. Relatively new estate and I never have any reason to go to that street so I’ve never met the parents.

However, that said. My daughter once asked if he could come over and play and I said no, so she asked if she could give him a cupcake she had made. I said he would need to ask his parents. I’m always sat watching them from inside with the patio doors open and I did overhear him say he doesn’t have a mum and would ask his nan. So it sounds like he’s living with grandparents. I have just never thought to get to know them. I don’t really care to.

We have 6ft fences. The kids is climbing up on something his side to hang over. Sometimes sits on top of the shed which is against our fence.

Surely now would be a good time too? I’m not suggesting you become neighbourhood besties but if his behaviour is concerning you, talk to the adults caring for him or it won’t change!

Adults talking to adults...it might work I suppose.

no this is weird.

imagine if it was your 13 year old son, who said ive been playing with the 2 and 4 year old next door? its odd!

trust your gut, that feeling is there for a reason!

id be sending him home every single time - id also put some trellis up asap to stop him and some spikey plants

So to answer some questions:

the kids are always supervised when outside. When they’re outside I’m always sat either outside with them, or inside with the patio doors open where I can see them. We’re open plan so I might nip to the kitchen every now and again but our garden is otherwise very secure. We have 6ft fences all around, this kid is just a climber.

I have thought about trying to get the attention of the parents (grandparents I believe, I think his dad might visit occasionally from what I gather) - but round the back of our house is always drama, always police, always sirens, shouting, threats amid stabbing and ‘bartering’ from both men and women. I just don’t really want to go around getting involved with any of them, or putting a target on our house.

not saying it’s that family that cause the drama, I don’t know which ones do exactly, we just get to hear it all out the back regularly.

im always watching the kids so i think the chance of any physical hurt/abuse is very very slim, but im getting tired of saying no, and explaining to DD loudly and politely why im saying no and him not taking the hint 😫

I think popping a trellis up or pigeon spikes would deter him from hanging over the fence

I asked because I think lots of people find it easier to think of a young teenaged girl spending time with preschoolers than they do a boy. My own 14-yr-old talks to the 3-yr-old next door if the younger one sees her in the garden (we live on a hill and they are higher up than us) but it's with their parent and is usually a request from the toddler to see DD's rabbits over the fence. It's always led by the preschooler though which is quite different from the scenario you're facing.

I know you're not interested in getting to know the boy or his family but I'd still encourage you to find out his name so it can be used by you to explain to your DC that X is too grown up to be their friend etc. but also so you can be very clear with him about your boundaries and expectations. Using his name when addressing him may help him to understand you do mean him, not a more general thing.

Also, get some anti-climb paint. No teenager wants that on their tracksuit...

I see nothing wrong with telling your DD that the boy stole from her and lied to her, and we don’t make friends with people who treat us like that.

How many generations have taught girls to rug-sweep poor behaviour from boys? We need to teach them from a very young age not to put up with that shit, or we’re doing them a massive disservice.

I also see nothing wrong with telling the boy that theft and lying are unacceptable, and he’s to leave your DCs alone. I don’t care that he’s only a kid or may be ND; he’ll continue to do this sort of thing if no-one pulls him up on it.

I would be just as concerned if it was a female. It's the age difference that is setting off alarms.

Bring your DD and DS indoors next time and when they're inside just say "they can't come and play lovey, they're only 4 and 2, they're a little bit too young to play games with an older boy like yourself. Maybe play with your own friends that might be better for you, but thank you for trying to include the kids in your games" if he still persists then talk to the parents. I know a lad who was like this and he liked the feel of being an older brother figure. I can see why you think it's strange and you've a right to be cautious about your babies. Maybe get something on the fence to block him out entirely if the above doesn't work?

And much cheaper than installing special fencing.

But Op has already said they’re an antisocial family with lots of shouting/police involvement. No way would I be approaching them.

@IAmJohnMajor

Who am I agreeing with?

Brilliant use name btw.