Neighbour friendship 13year old with 4 & 2 year old?

[JusWunderin]

I don’t like it personally and I need to know if I’m just being silly.

My 4yo DD and 2yo DS regularly play out in the garden.

A 13yo boy keeps climbing up onto the fence and talking to the kids, my DD keeps telling me now how they’re best friends and they are not strangers.. I keep reminding her they ARE in fact strangers.

Hes asked multiple times to come play in our garden. But I’ve said no. I just don’t like the fact he’s 13, he’s in secondary school. My children aren’t even in school yet.

Weve had multiple letters on our estate about the children causing nuisance, damage ect and I know this boy hangs around with the bunch of kids on the estate that have been caught doing these things. he’s also stolen a football of ours.. DD threw it over to him after he asked her too and when DH asked for it back they said they don’t know what ball we’re talking about.. family haven’t been helpful either. We watched her throw the ball to him from inside, so we know they have it 😂

I feel horrible keep telling my DD no he can’t come over and she’s doesn’t understand the age difference. I just find it odd.

He’s got friends over to play right now and he’s just hanging out over fence asking to come over. I want him to go away tbh 😂

I don’t want to outright tell him to go away, or cause any bad feelings - but I also don’t want this to continue.

Gaslighting, NT, invading private space?

How on earth did past generations even survive ?

From the accounts of several posters on this thread, by getting abused and then having it brushed under the carpet.

Grow something big and spiky up the fence or increase the height.

Its really important for the younger children that they don't learn this kind of behaviour is normal. They need to be able to spot grooming when it happens, and tell you; the intention behind the behaviour is irrelevant.

Tell your DD the boy is naughty, he is pretending to be friendly and is stealing her toys.

Not worth the risk OP. Every time he hangs over ask if he's found the ball yet? Then say sorry they are too young to play with you. Just keep repeating yourself. Surely he will give up.

the best response- be an adult and address it with finality

I'm assuming they had no qualms about telling nosy 13 year old boys to sling their hooks and stop pestering the little ones.

Ask him his name then say, “Well Kevin you are quite grown up and really too big to be playing with the little ones. So it’s time for you to go home now.” Take your children inside till he goes.

Yeah this. ^ You need to be very blunt and rude @JusWunderin This lad has no business hanging around toddlers at 13. It's odd and weird, and is a safeguarding issue. I would have to try to re-arrange the garden! Higher fence, sit somewhere else in the garden, or go out to the park a few times to avoid him. Upshot is you need to be blunt and tell him to piss off. He's 13, not 6 or 7.

@eggplant16 · Today 10:37

Gaslighting, NT, invading private space?

How on earth did past generations even survive ?

Silly strawman argument.

When I was growing up, and when my kids were growing up, not one single TEENAGER was interested in interacting and 'playing' with toddlers and babies.

I would be very suspicious of any 13 year old boy who wanted to be in the company of toddlers, and 'play' with them. And no I would not worry about a 13 year old girl as much. Don't ask me why, because you know the answer.

Not aimed solely at you eggplant16 but posts like yours are making me queasy. It's not up to you or anybody else to determine for OP what the level of risk is and whether this is a 'daft boy' or not so just stop it.

OP feels this isn't right and most are in complete agreement. When I read the "But, but, daft boy" posts I wonder what and who is behind them. Abusers have enablers who are as sick as the abuser is.

OP is right to protect her children and if you've missed the very sad posts about being abused from other posters then that's too bad. Read them or don't but you are trying hard to minimise what shouldn't be - why would you be doing that? Children deserve a hell of a lot better than this.

A+ post @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe ! 👏

Nope. He asked your child to throw the ball and then gaslighted her when she asked for it back. You also say he hangs around with troublemakers For those saying their ND children like to be with younger kids that’s fine, but they wouldn’t be horrible to them. I’m really sorry to bring it up, but I live not far from where Jamie Bulger was abducted and whenever I read anything like this on MN it’s very hard not to be suspicious. I’d be telling him to get off the fence and stop bothering your children. If it happens after that I think I’d be ringing 101 for advice.

Or children were abused.

Op, this is ringing alarm bells with me. Please listen to your instincts. There is no reason in the world a 13 yr old boy wants to play with children a decade younger than he. My mother thought it was cute that our 15 yr old neighbour loved having me over to watch tv with him. I was 10. He made me sit on his lap and feel his erection.

Do not feel bad about protecting your children from a possible predator

I was prepared to say keep an eye on it be careful but what's the harm.

However, he's a little shit.

So fuck it, the benefit of tolerating him is zero. Even if there were no risk, there's simply no compelling reason to welcome him.

The fact that you don't know where he lives and he isn't a direct neighbour means even if it was innocuous you'd want more information.
It does seem a little odd that a 13 yo boy who's seems a bit rough round the edges would want to play with a female preschooler? I guess he could have a lower mental capacity than his age.
But just keep firmly declining.
I'd probably want to know where he lived too, just in case I needed to speak to his parents.

Many ND children are drawn to the company of younger children. Their emotional development is usually behind their peers ( by years) so they're often at the same level as younger children and find them less socially demanding. So that is a possibility.

However in this case it sounds like he wants to steal their toys? I hope people are wrong about any potential darker motivations he may have but I wouldn't leave them unsupervised as you can never be sure.

I would be very concerned about this boy's contact with small children. I would ask him not to climb on the fence and then bring the children inside and tell them, he should be playing with children of his own age, and that if he is on the fence again or talking to them, that they should tell you, hope this helps, it is a difficult situation but sometimes I think it's best to be quite clear and direct to protect your children

I have my three and one year old daughters in front of me, and there is absolutely no way I would let a 13 year old boy repeatedly engage with them over the fence. That is not normal, no pre-teenager wants to seek regular contact with toddlers. As a PP was saying, 13 year olds may start puberty and develop interest to boys or girls of their age.
I would put them back in the house and say in no uncertain terms to the boy he is too old to interact with my children. No need to be mean but be firm. I'm surprised you havent done this already!

Of course if there is ND it is different but whatever the motives (it could be as simple as wanting to steal their toys), the end game is the same = no 13 year old as a companion to toddlers.

You do know that not all neighbours speak to each other?

I've already posted once sorry. I've had to reply again though as I do find it worrying.

The people saying it's fine - if I say 'Jamie Bulger' what comes to mind?

@JusWunderin I'd officially make a complaint to the police and social services - it's logged then, just in case.

Tell your daughter, he's not a BF he's a naughty boy who lives next door who's been in trouble with the policeman. Tell her to tell you when he's there.

Lastly (my husband's idea) get some anti-climb paint for the top of the fence - may at least prevent him a tiny bit.

It’s a sad fact that not all neighbours are going to be people that you will get on with or share anything in common with
you’re brought into contact with them by the pure accident of them living in the house next to yours - also just because you say hello as you pass in the morning doesn’t mean you know them

Well if you look at the statistics - is it 30% of girls being sexually abused by the age of 15? - they did survive but untold damage was done. We're only just learning the extent of it. No one knows if this child is a predator or not, but it's fine to set firm boundaries with him and be aware of the dangers. If he is harmless, he'll never ever know he was being monitored. If he is a threat, he'll see these children have a protective ring around them and back off. Two little girls being safe is far more important than any hurt feelings.