Neighbour friendship 13year old with 4 & 2 year old?

[JusWunderin]

I don’t like it personally and I need to know if I’m just being silly.

My 4yo DD and 2yo DS regularly play out in the garden.

A 13yo boy keeps climbing up onto the fence and talking to the kids, my DD keeps telling me now how they’re best friends and they are not strangers.. I keep reminding her they ARE in fact strangers.

Hes asked multiple times to come play in our garden. But I’ve said no. I just don’t like the fact he’s 13, he’s in secondary school. My children aren’t even in school yet.

Weve had multiple letters on our estate about the children causing nuisance, damage ect and I know this boy hangs around with the bunch of kids on the estate that have been caught doing these things. he’s also stolen a football of ours.. DD threw it over to him after he asked her too and when DH asked for it back they said they don’t know what ball we’re talking about.. family haven’t been helpful either. We watched her throw the ball to him from inside, so we know they have it 😂

I feel horrible keep telling my DD no he can’t come over and she’s doesn’t understand the age difference. I just find it odd.

He’s got friends over to play right now and he’s just hanging out over fence asking to come over. I want him to go away tbh 😂

I don’t want to outright tell him to go away, or cause any bad feelings - but I also don’t want this to continue.

Not sure I'd jump to the paedophilia accusations quite as quickly as some people, but the football and the toys are concerning for me. It sounds like he's probably trying to manipulate her to get stuff.

The Jamie Bulger alarm is going off in my head reading this.

I would not be happy about it. I come from a big family, we used to spend summers together as kids, cousins and second cousins all playing together unsupervised - all ages, together. One of my female cousins got sexually abused by a male cousin, she was 5 he was 14. She only told me when we were adults, she thought they were "playing" at the time but understood later and felt awful all her life about it. The worst thing is, this boy was great with little kids, we all adored him. ((

I think I’d talk to him about how young they are. Strike up a conversation about his own friendships and the age difference. Tell him outright he can’t come and play as he is much older. He will be back at school soon anyway. I think it is more likely he is nd than grooming them tbh.

I'm not saying this boy is planning something like that, but its not unheard of for male teenagers to "experiment" when the opportunity presents itself.

At this stage, I think this boy is either bored or has plans to get to your DCs toys (ball, asking your DD to throw cars). Sounds like his family are not exactly caring/ descent, since they did not return the ball and did not introduce themselves. I would ask his name, ask what school he goes to. And then if he asks if he can come over, say No, you dont allow playdates.

My response isn’t to OP, it’s to the secondary education poster labelling behaviour as normal / abnormal acceptable / unacceptable and if you read my other post I’m in total agreement about OP having responsibility for her own children.

It's not appropriate behaviour. I'd be extra vigilant and also install a camera. Whether the boy is neurodiverse, or not, is irrelevant. At the very least he is taking advantage of your child in order to steal, and his parents aren't engaged. It's your job to ensure your children's safety.

Can you put some pigeon spikes on top of your fence 😂 or a very large trellis with a thorny climber

He's stolen a ball and he wants your children to throw him other toys that you may not get back. Sounds like he thinks he's found a way to get extra toys. Do you have a photograph of the kids with your ball? If so say this is the ball we want back. If it's your fence put up trellis, you cant do that unless it's your fence. Tell your children they must not throw toys over the fence because they may not come back again.

Ffs. Call the police? That's ridiculous.

You need to follow your gut feeling with this. As some very sensible previous posters have said, make sure your children know not to throw toys to him when asked. Ignoring him might be the way forward if you can get your dc’s to do that.
I would also suggest being very careful in your dealings with him, especially if he’s hanging round with other kids who may be causing damage etc.
You just never know what someone else is thinking, and you don’t know his reasons for trying to make friends with your kids, so better to play safe than be sorry.

I know too many childhood friends that were touched/assaulted by older kids.

Not a chance would I allow him to hang around and it's bizarre he wants to.

He may be lonely, but the risk is too high imo.

Christ on a bike I know. Couldn't be a 13 year old boy who likes kids?

Likewise a background of twenty years in forensic mental health and a further 15 years of mental health more generally.

OP can do more to get a sense of the situation which I’ve suggested above. I’m absolutely not saying she shouldn’t have this in her mind and respond in whatever way is needed.

What I’m saying in my response to you is that there are many other reasons why a thirteen year old might behave like this, so it’s not as straight forward as normal / abnormal, appropriate / in appropriate. With a background like yours, I imagine you’re already aware of the statistics around over representation of people with unmet SEN in secure and mental health services. Often unmet because people have made judgements such as normal / abnormal etc without actually understanding the person.

Again, there may be risk here and OP needs to get a handle on this, just as all of us would so I’m not understating or ignoring the possibility. What I’m saying is that it’s one possibility and no one should leap to conclusions.

No I wouldn't allow it. It's worst case but child on child sexual abuse is a thing and you are right to be suspicious of this boy.

He stole a ball and tries to get the children to chuck over their other toys. He is clealry a little shit, he’s trying to get small kids to throw toys over that he has no intention of returning. He’s stealing from small kids.

I’ve known teenage boys to be kind to small kids but this is different, it feels very off. Most would indulge them for a few minutes and then move on. They wouldn’t take their stuff or insist on trying to spend time with them.

Also just because someone wants to play with my kid it doesn’t mean I have to allow it.

Some of the responses here are shocking.

OP I would not be comfortable with this under any circumstances.

Absolutely trust your gut on this.
Do all you can to stop interaction between him and your children. Be FIRM!

Totally

Razor wire is the answer. Not pretty but the best deterrent 😡

That's very naive. He's already showing a disregard for boundaries and you have no idea what he is accessing online. A lot of sexual abuse is between people who are know to each other in some way, and is child on child. He needs to know that his behaviour is not welcome, he needs to understand boundaries, and the OP needs to be firmer with him with by putting up the equivalent of a 'this house is protected' sign on her lawn ie showing him he needs to keep a respectful and appropriate distance from her children. They don't need to be in contact with each other apart from a friendly hello.

I wouldn’t let him hang around - like others said, the risk is too high.
The son of my dad’s main drinking buddy tricked me into a position where he was able to get on top then attempt to get my clothes off, when we were both 9 - I managed to stop him, but then he just forced me to kiss him.
All the time, his younger brother was watching, asking “if he could have a go.” While I think the younger brother was too young to fully understand what was happening, I never forgave the asshole boy who did it and still feel angry about it at times.

Incidentally, he was also a thief, usually it would be fridge magnets and he’d deny taking anything.

No matter his intentions, it doesn’t sound a good idea. I’d put something like trellis on the fence to stop him climbing over and block his view of your DC. If you come across him outside and he mentions your DC, just say something like, “DC only like playing with children their own ages”.

I’d also take the opportunity to explain to your elder DD that sometimes people seem nice but a few people pretend to be nice to trick you and they aren’t nice really. You could then use this boy not giving back their ball as an example of this, along with him trying to get them to throw their toys over the fence. This is a good lesson to learn anyway so that they’re not manipulated and bullied at school.

It’s possible this boy is just bored and causing trouble. I imagine he finds it amusing to try to manipulate your children into doing silly things. This could easily become dangerous though, eg getting them to eat pebbles or encouraging them to do other dangerous things. TBH, most older children like this aren’t usually potential sex abusers, but children who take pleasure in manipulating, tricking and hurting other children younger than them. I can think of a number of examples of this from my own childhood.

Okay you've won me round on that last paragraph.

This - actually speak to him and ask his name and explain you don't want him hanging around your kids as they're too little and they think he took their ball. Then explain it to his parents and ask them to ask him to stay away. He may just want your kids' toys/be bored but you don't need this headache.

A 13 yo having fun with younger kids in a family context or when he knows them very well is one thing, but you don't want to have to keep policing this situation and your children should be able to play peacefully in their own garden without this complication.