Neighbour friendship 13year old with 4 & 2 year old?

[JusWunderin]

I don’t like it personally and I need to know if I’m just being silly.

My 4yo DD and 2yo DS regularly play out in the garden.

A 13yo boy keeps climbing up onto the fence and talking to the kids, my DD keeps telling me now how they’re best friends and they are not strangers.. I keep reminding her they ARE in fact strangers.

Hes asked multiple times to come play in our garden. But I’ve said no. I just don’t like the fact he’s 13, he’s in secondary school. My children aren’t even in school yet.

Weve had multiple letters on our estate about the children causing nuisance, damage ect and I know this boy hangs around with the bunch of kids on the estate that have been caught doing these things. he’s also stolen a football of ours.. DD threw it over to him after he asked her too and when DH asked for it back they said they don’t know what ball we’re talking about.. family haven’t been helpful either. We watched her throw the ball to him from inside, so we know they have it 😂

I feel horrible keep telling my DD no he can’t come over and she’s doesn’t understand the age difference. I just find it odd.

He’s got friends over to play right now and he’s just hanging out over fence asking to come over. I want him to go away tbh 😂

I don’t want to outright tell him to go away, or cause any bad feelings - but I also don’t want this to continue.

I would also be worried. There are many examples in the news of teenage boys abusing small children. Unlikely but as a parent I wouldn’t risk it as his interest sounds weird and obsessive. Tell him to go away in no uncertain terms. I’d also invest in a trellis to heighten the fence on that side of the garden.

If he’s your neighbour, go talk to his parents? It’s unusual behaviour. PP mentioned if it was a 13y/o girl would it be as concerning - yes and no. A teenage girl wouldn’t pose the same risk of abuse in my eyes but I still wouldn’t encourage it

My dd wants to be a teacher and aged 13 she loved playing with little children, finding them sweet and fascinating. There was absolutely no malicious intent or weirdness there.

you’re right to be wary and keep a very close eye, but not all boys are vicious

I think you're being a bit weird tbh, if it were a girl I'm sure you'd feel differently. Boys are allowed to like children too

BTW, I used to always play with the much older boys down the road. They absolutely doted on me. A grandmother (parents were always working) and three boys, I was like their little adopted sister. We moved but are still in touch with the family

I don't think there's anything wrong with letting kids this age play in their own garden but tbh whatever this neighbour's intentions are they surely shouldn't be getting enough unsupervised contact with your kids to do anything malicious when they're only 2 and 4. You should always have one eye on them even if you're inside doing jobs or whatever. You're just going to have to go with your gut but if you're in any doubt then be the parent, set boundaries and say no to anything that compromises your child's safety and watch them a bit closer. It's not that complicated. Stay in control and there's no danger here. Your children will develop plenty of friendships with kids their own age and will get over the dissappointment.

I would NOT be okay with this AT ALL.

You've been far more relaxed up to this point than I'd be and i would be saying that if it was any 13yr old including a girl although candidly the fact he is a boy does make more wary/uncomfortable. It's honestly unusual behaviour (ie not typical) for a 13 yr old however you cut it.

While it could be benign and he's got some kind of SN... it could be something more serious... And i would not take the risk of underreacting if it is the latter.
As others have said unfortunately children do abuse other children and i would heavily be erring on the side of caution. The world is a shitty place and you have to protect your kids.

My children would not be in the garden or anywhere, to be frank, unsuperivsed ever. Not matter how inconvenient. Their safety is too important.

If he appeared they'd be brought inside immediately and I'd potentially keep them inside / stop using the garden or take them to parks further afield.

I'd also be very clearly telling him to stop climbing my property or approaching my children and warning him if he didnt stop I'd contact the police. And I would do it too...
Id also be improving security via trellising and plants pyracantha and the like)

Separately I'd be doing some reading up on "tricky people" and teaching my dd to be more aware. It crap you have to do this with a 4 yr old but here we are.

Such a weird response. Of course it’s different. Males are more likely to be sexual abusers than females. That’s simply a fact. Clearly a 13 year old boy is less likely to be a risk than a grown man! But statistically he’s still likely to be more of a risk than a 13 year old girl.

This is a bit naive. Something like 98% of sexual abusers are male.

Obviously a boy showing interest is more worrying than a girl.

Your post demonstrates why the stranger danger message can be confusing for children. Who we know and how well we know them doesn't divide into stranger or not a stranger, and who I'd say is a stranger still ,isn't the same as who a child might see as a stranger( we chat to the window cleaner but we don't know them but the children probably wouldn't say they are a stranger) I don't think you can say a teenager and little ones like yours can be friends or have a friendship ,because this is about mutual interests and the same level of interest and investment in the relationship. You might have a friendly teen who is sociable and good company, takes an interest and likes to be occupied by the company of neighbours children or to help look after them. Your neighbour doesn't sound like this, he's rude, takes your things and seems disruptive to your life. Because of this I wouldn't encourage it. We don't know his motive, he might be bored, amused by little children, just want stuff from your house, not have very good social skills. I'd describe him as a neighbour to your child rather than a stranger and just say he's too old to come to play or share their toys with. Hopefully his interest will die down but I think you need to be careful about labelling him as something you have no evidence for.

Do people really think this boy is setting up these children for grooming, if so, I think you are all batshit. By all means keep an eye, as you should with anyone, but quite frankly people assuming this young boy who probably just wants to play is a paedo says more about them.

To be honest it sounds more like he is just trying to steal more of their toys than anything more serious. I too am confused why you don’t know your neighbours, have you never said hello and introduced yourself at the front gate?

It's batshit to deny that there's any risk though. One of the 5 year olds in my dd's class has displayed some pretty worrying deviant behaviour, enough so that I wouldn't take my eye off him around my dd. A 13 year old is more than capable. It's a sad reality but it's very naive and negligent to think otherwise tbh.

Not sure why people think it's so odd not to know your neighbours. Some people aren't sociable and some people aren't very nice to be around. Some neighbours know each other to say hello to, doesn't mean you really know them.

He’s probably quite thick skinned.
Just be more blunt and ask him to stop asking to come over and stop asking your dd to throw things. Also say you want your call back.

Nip this in the bud. No need to feel bad. Deeply weird.

I think it’s normal …. He still is a child. When I was younger I use to play with children of all ages.

However, I won’t let him hang out with my children especially if he stole their ball and lied too.

I think your daughter is right… in that he is not a stranger…but that you don’t know him or his family well enough to consider a friend.

I'd tell him where to go in no uncertain terms.

No 13 year old wants to hang out with small children unless he has the mind of a much younger child and this one doesn't.

He wants access to your home. Whether it be so you'll feed him or he'll steal from you or report back about what things you have in your home.

Ds is ND and has always liked playing with much younger children. Dd3 is almost 5 years younger than him so obviously there were often younger kids around. He is also very good with his neice and nephew. I am sure if anyone told him not to he wouldn't continue but I do think he finds it easier to interact with then. He certainly has no ulterior motives. This boy does sound very rude and insistent. I would have a word with his parents.

Red flag. Older children can be as dangerous as adults. You are wise to insist on 'stranger'.

I think you need to go out and introduce yourself properly so that you do know his name. That is respectful and neighbourly.
Then you can call him his name as you tell him that he's not young enough to be coming over to play with daughter... and ask him what he will do for his day.
Take DD inside until he leaves.

If you have a problem with the boy you can always knock on his parents' door and speak about their son, by name, and request that he doesn't climb on the fence asking to play with 4 year old as he is too much older than her.

They will understand that, and also that DD becomes whiney silly - thinking that that is a good idea.. and you want her to play happily alone in her yard.

Really weird. Next time he’s out there, tell him to leave your children alone.

Even if he’s ND and prefers young children to play with, that doesn’t mean you all have to allow it either.

Nip it in the bud now.

It's actually laughable...

My uncle said that exact line to my DM

when she said her children couldn't stay or have sleepovers anymore with my cousins because his wifes brother who frequently holidayed in vietnam and thailand had moved in with them.
My DM said he was grooming her db and wife and his annual holiday destinations were questionabpe at best.
she was told she was a pervert, her mind was in the gutter, and it said more about her she could think something so disgusting.

So 20 years on after his funeral it comes out that 2 of those 4 children were repeatedly raped in their home over a 5 year period by my aunts brother. He also abused 3 of my aunts sisters children.

And yes, it did say a lot about my mother it.
It said she had an ability to understand level of probability and level of risk are not the same thing.
It said she had good instincts which she followed and it said she knew she was responsible for protecting her children.

This teenager is probably harmless but he might not be. If he isnt the impact could be high....
OP does not know his intentions but they do not seem good and its pointless being sorry after the event.

Just put a proper fence up to keep your DC safe from anyone.

Most kids are not abused by strangers - it's more likely to be someone they know so stop teaching your kids that 'strangers' are dangerous - it's very old fashioned thinking - instead teach them about safe people in their circle.

Look at getting your DC the 'Little big chats' books by Jasneen Sanders. They give kids the tools to keep themselves safe too.

My four-year-old sister was molested by a twelve-year-old local boy, who'd come to play in our garden. In front of me. I was eight and didn't understand what he was doing. It's very sweet that some PPs are so trusting, but not very smart.