Neighbour friendship 13year old with 4 & 2 year old?

[JusWunderin]

I don’t like it personally and I need to know if I’m just being silly.

My 4yo DD and 2yo DS regularly play out in the garden.

A 13yo boy keeps climbing up onto the fence and talking to the kids, my DD keeps telling me now how they’re best friends and they are not strangers.. I keep reminding her they ARE in fact strangers.

Hes asked multiple times to come play in our garden. But I’ve said no. I just don’t like the fact he’s 13, he’s in secondary school. My children aren’t even in school yet.

Weve had multiple letters on our estate about the children causing nuisance, damage ect and I know this boy hangs around with the bunch of kids on the estate that have been caught doing these things. he’s also stolen a football of ours.. DD threw it over to him after he asked her too and when DH asked for it back they said they don’t know what ball we’re talking about.. family haven’t been helpful either. We watched her throw the ball to him from inside, so we know they have it 😂

I feel horrible keep telling my DD no he can’t come over and she’s doesn’t understand the age difference. I just find it odd.

He’s got friends over to play right now and he’s just hanging out over fence asking to come over. I want him to go away tbh 😂

I don’t want to outright tell him to go away, or cause any bad feelings - but I also don’t want this to continue.

Trust your gut. He's probably out to steal toys at this stage but who knows what else.
I would speak to him firmly and say DC are too young to play with someone his age and leave them alone. Supervise them in the garden.

Basically what almost everyone else said - he might be harmless , but going on what you’ve said about him I doubt it . You know he’s a thief and at 13 he knows that the ball did not belong to him yet stole it from a much younger, smaller child. This is wrong and I’m sure he knows it. Build a higher fence if you can , put up a trellis with prickly climber. Ensure your own garden is a private place. Tell him to go away . I’m sure he wants to come over to case the place or worse.

Go with your gut on this one, unless the 13 yr old has got SN, then they need to find children of their own age to play with. You don’t have to be rude to him, but say oh I think you’re a little too old to play with my two. Whilst you can not be sure if this could be innocent or a grooming situation, it’s your job to protect your babies. The 13 year old is not family or close friends child, so there is no need for him to be around your children. @Sweetteaplease I think it’s fine when a group of children of different ages all play together in a coldasac/close but he is actively seeking to engage with these young children in their back garden, they aren’t out front mingling with lots of children. Definitely a red flag( if not SN)

I agree with this. Go and speak to his parents.

My 13yo DS would not be remotely interested in playing with any young kids. He would ignore them completely if they were neighbours let alone making any attempts to talk over a fence.

Stop this immediately, it's not normal.

I’d feel really uncomfortable with this - trust your instinct. If you don’t feel it’s right to interact with him, continue to do what you’re doing. I wouldn’t be mean; he could have SN and just genuinely love spending time with young children BUT that doesn’t mean it needs to be your children xxx

I would stop telling your DD he's a stranger. How confusing. He's a familiar face and you actually know quite a lot about him, though not his name.

Start telling her you know him well enough to not trust him because: you are aware he's caused problems for other neighbours when playing out with friends; he's lied to you that he doesn't have the ball when he does and he's stolen the ball because he won't give it back.

You know he is not worthy of trust. There is no doubt on that.

Remind her she gave him the ball. And he denies he's got it... Liar. No trust!

I came onto the thread expecting to say a friendly kid on holidays at a loose end with no friends around might pass the time by amusing some little ones and enjoy doing that (my son would, he's really good with little kids).
But you're not talking about a nice friendly kid with nothing else to do. You're talking about a pain the rear at best who has no reason to be taking an interest in your kids who are just getting on with their day fine without him.

Personally I'd have called him out and told him you know he's got the ball cos you saw your DD throw it over and you want it back. I'd say that every time he showed his face over the fence.

I have a 13 year old DS, and while he is very good with younger children he would never want to spend his time with them. I would keep saying no.

Get some of that burglar paint (not sure if proper babe) and put it on the top of the fence so his hands get black and sticky when he shows his face over the fence. 😁

This.

Actually I think they would give her good advice like they did me. A boy at my son’s school was sending my son racial hate for me through the PlayStation - I spoke to the police for 10mins and they were very helpful. They explained if I gave my name since at 11 he was legally responsible they would be obligated to visit him. I didn’t want that. They suggested I tell the headmaster the police recommended the headmaster speak to the boy and his parents - he did and because it came as police advice rather than just me it was taken very seriously.

Pedophiles were teens once - their sexual interest in children does not just switch on as adults - they just have more power to act on their desires as adults. This boy is hanging around his own age group so it’s not he has no friends and therefore has a friendly interest in young children. He manipulated her into giving him the ball and then lying about it. There is a sinister undercurrent going on and she needs to protect her children

If be arming my kids with proportionate wariness.

Name what he's done.

Persuaded her to share a toy and then lied he's got it so he's kept it - deliberately. Tell her, friends don't do that, and that is likely what will happen to any other toy she passes over.

He is a stranger and keep him a stranger! Do not let him interact with your children.

Speaking as a secondary teacher here. This is not normal or acceptable. Firmly tell him to go away as he is far too old to be hanging around with your children. Be firm, trust your instinct on this one. ND or not, it is not in your children's best interests for this much older boy to be hanging around them. Trust your gut!

If your kids are 4 and 2, how much time are they actually spending on their own in the garden which enables all this chat etc without you being there?

I’d be inclined to make a point of talking to him, finding out more, putting boundaries in place etc. This models positive behaviour and boundaries for your kids and for him. It allows you to get a sense of whether he has additional needs and a better sense of what’s going on with him.

Did you learn about diversity in your teacher training?

It might not be typical of most 13 year olds but that doesn’t make it abnormal or unacceptable because there are lots of reasons it might be happening.

OP needs to step up / in as needed but I’d respectfully ask that you consider whether you could be a little less rigid in what’s ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’ because that will look different for most people / situations. It can be incredibly damaging for people to be given these messages as kids and lead to mental health challenges as adults.

For those suggesting that there is nothing to be concerned or vigilant about, the National Strategic Assessment 2024 by National Crime Agency is terrifying on this subject and I think the section on child abuse risks should be read by all parents. https://www.nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/threats/nsa-child-sexual-abuse-2024

But for the purposes of this thread though, I'll pull out one quote:
"52% of police-reported child sexual abuse reports relate to children aged 10 to 17 years-old offending against other children"

His age doesn't mean anything, if it is setting off your spidey senses, keep him away from the kids and watch him like a hawk.

Yes thank you. I also learned much more working with teenagers for over 25 years and now in a secure setting where some have actually harmed younger children and animals. Some do have ND.

Safeguarding training teaches us to 'think the unthinkable'. The boy poses a risk to these children IMO, having already shown some underhand and manipulative behaviour. The OP is right to be worried. If something feels off, it usually is.

The lack of awareness of a few posters is very worrying. This is exactly how abuse starts! Having been a victim of this very scenario myself I can tell you this. Why take the risk. I’m so glad most people on here have the intelligence to see this - my own mother who was a very trusting fool didn’t. She thought it was so sweet. I rather be overly cautious than regret it as I can tell you as the child this happened to it still affects me. I’m nearing 40 and still get nightmares. If my mum had been more careful my life would not have been damaged.

don’t want to use abusive language here as my post will be deleted but the ***(insert any swear word I thinking!) who said “would you think the same if it was a girl” don’t be so stupid - you know fully well boys are more capable if this than girls - the girls never hurt me as a child but 2 neighbour BOYS did. Yes I am wary of girls and boys but girls do not pose same danger

Well the stealing the ball and the subsequent reaction from the parents is a huge red flag isn’t it?

What’s the family set up? I’m assuming either lots of children so he isn’t being properly catered for attention wise or he’s looking for attention due to no siblings to play with. No I don’t think it’s normal for a thirteen year old ball to be hanging over a fence constantly interacting with it preschool aged children.

How you manage it is a whole other issue. You are going to have to be out there with tlhem I think and do everything you can to limit engagement. My other thought is when you can’t fully supervise could you partition the garden off in some way so the kids don’t have the full run and you can hear anything that gets said?

My main worries at this age would be the teenager directing the younger child to do things or get things. When they get older I’d be worried they could get the child to go somewhere with them or their friends. You are going to have to manage this strongly or move!

Why not talk to him & get a measure of him that way? You keep saying he's a stranger, he clearly doesn't want to be this or doesn't see himself as this. I'd talk to him just be friendly. You'll be able to tell if he has additional needs & maybe not feel as threatened.

I wouldn’t, it’s too harsh.
But I would speak to him directly and be friendly.
“Hiya neighbour, what’s your name? I know you just want to play, but my kids are still only little ones I’m afraid so no can do I’ afraid. Plus you’d get bored quickly, you’re one of the big kids now. Which number do you live at? Go on, you run along now, let the little ones play before they need to take a nap”.

Then I’d probably visit the house, say hi, explain what I said to the kid, to turn parents. If they’re decent they’ll get it and tell him to stop. If they’re dicks and tell you he can do what he likes, I’d say fine but he’s too old to be hanging around my young kids and he stole their ball, so I respectfully ask you not to allow your kid to harass the little ones like that.

Bollocks to that.

He's a liar and a thief. SN is irrelevant. You don't need to know any more - just keep him at a firm arms length and kybosh any illusions he has about getting friendly - who cares what his motives are, your kids don't need frenemies anyway.

Please educate yourself. Both generalised violence and sexual violence are gender based issues. Police received reports of 14,800 rapes and sexual assaults against children aged 10 to 17 where the suspect was classed as a child, the overwhelming majority being boys. Ian Critchley, the NPCC lead for child protection, said: “This is predominantly a gender-based crime of boys committing offences against girls.

so yes, you probably would feel differently if it was a girl, and there are valid reasons why you’d feel differently…

OP doesn't need to be a flag bearer for diversity in this situation, and if the 13-year-old finds this damaging, that's just too bad. OP has responsibility towards her own children.