Neighbour friendship 13year old with 4 & 2 year old?

[JusWunderin]

I don’t like it personally and I need to know if I’m just being silly.

My 4yo DD and 2yo DS regularly play out in the garden.

A 13yo boy keeps climbing up onto the fence and talking to the kids, my DD keeps telling me now how they’re best friends and they are not strangers.. I keep reminding her they ARE in fact strangers.

Hes asked multiple times to come play in our garden. But I’ve said no. I just don’t like the fact he’s 13, he’s in secondary school. My children aren’t even in school yet.

Weve had multiple letters on our estate about the children causing nuisance, damage ect and I know this boy hangs around with the bunch of kids on the estate that have been caught doing these things. he’s also stolen a football of ours.. DD threw it over to him after he asked her too and when DH asked for it back they said they don’t know what ball we’re talking about.. family haven’t been helpful either. We watched her throw the ball to him from inside, so we know they have it 😂

I feel horrible keep telling my DD no he can’t come over and she’s doesn’t understand the age difference. I just find it odd.

He’s got friends over to play right now and he’s just hanging out over fence asking to come over. I want him to go away tbh 😂

I don’t want to outright tell him to go away, or cause any bad feelings - but I also don’t want this to continue.

I would go round and speak to his parents.

Explain that he’s been asking for their stuff to be thrown over and that you’d rather he didn’t do that or hang over the fence.

Boys of 13 these days have full access to social media and are way more sexualised than ever. A year 8/9 boy is not interested in playing with toddlers.
I think you’re naivety is batshit tbh.

Can you put up a higher fence OP?

Christ on a bike I know. Couldn't be a 13 year old boy who likes kids?

Absolutely, he could be.
I suggest you offer up your toddlers as a test case, as most posters do not wish to experiment with their loved ones.
In my experience, a thirteen year old boy might be polite, or even kindly watchful but the only way he would play with toddlers is if you bribed him!

If he wanted to play ball with them, would he not have thrown it back and forth?

@gardenmusic

Yeah, I'll admit I've already eaten my words.

@Backtoblack1 Children&Families Social Worker of nearly 20 years here . Completely agree ! Unfortunately, the behaviours can start young and OP needs to protect her children!

You need to be out in the garden with them if people can lean over the fence and talk to your young kids. You might find the teen stops bothering them if you’re out there as well.

I think it is very odd, assuming he doesn't have SEN. What would he have in common with preschoolers?

As someone who at 9 was pushed to the floor by a 12 year old in the special Ed room, had my shoe taken and was told to get in a sexual position in order to get it back, ND doesn't mean without hormonal and sexual feelings.

It comes down to the point that nobody owes anyone else a relationship of any kind.

I think the trellis idea up thread would help set OP's mind at rest.

FFS, so OP should just risk her daughters safety and give the benefit of the doubt to this boy, because she’s less likely to be concerned about a girl?! Amazing. Firstly, news for you, boys and girls aren’t the same so we’re allowed to judge them differently. Secondly, it’s idiotic advice like yours that led to my mum allowing me to be sexually abused from the age of 3. But never mind hey, at least she didn’t upset a male. 🙄

He’s a thief.

Just tell him straight get down from there and leave my children alone.

A four-year-old is too young to protect herself, let alone her little brother.

I'd suggest not letting the children play in the garden without adult supervision.

I was reading recently about a teen girl who was assaulted on a train. The man came over, started a friendly conversation, she felt obligated to “be polite”, and he ended up sexually assaulting her on the nearly empty carriage.

This whole business of teaching girls to “be nice” to strangers when they insert themselves into our space needs to stop. I always tell my girls—you don’t owe any male any niceties.

His behaviour isn't acceptable here though is it? Having ND doesn't mean we can't tell young people when they are acting inappropriately. In fact, it needs to be said in very clear terms to him if he has SN!

You shouldn't want to 'normalise' a 13 year old wanting to play with toddlers. Their safety is paramount here, not his feelings.

I was sexually abused by a 14 year old boy when I was 5 years old. Please don't entertain this situation or let anyone convince you to.

I'd be blunt and tell him to get off the fence, he's not wanted in the garden and go and hang around with people his own age.

If he doesn’t get the message go and be even more blunt to his parents.

There’s a huge difference between a much older child enjoying spending time time with young family members or the children of family friends to a teenage boy hanging over a fence and getting little children to throw their toys over to him.

If he is ND that might make it understandable but it doesn’t make it ok

I’ve noticed this in my own case and cases of other people I know - the male is always charming and friendly. That’s how they get close enough to the victim they be “nice”

edited to add: I get a really sick feeling when I see males of any age being fake nice. You can tell if you look closely enough the fake kind to get close and take advantage. Also I agree with poster who said social media has opened up a new world where kids see so much online and makes in particular will want to experiment. I would never allow my kids to be unsupervised around males in particular. Even some very minority females give me the feeling of wanting to be wary too. If you tune in and look around you it’s easy to spot. Trust your instincts

I work with children/teenagers who have committed very serious crimes against other children. This includes murder. Most of them have ND. All of them have MH issues due to early trauma. As sympathetic and trauma informed as I am, they still need to know about boundaries and what is acceptable behaviour as all of them come from a background where this hasn't been modelled in their formative years. I agree there are many reasons why a 13 year old may act like this but that doesn't make them any less of a threat to younger, more vulnerable children in society. It's sad but some children are dangerous and that this behaviour is 'normal' to them.

I'm not splitting hairs over semantics or being chastised over it. You know what my point is.

Get a hose, everytime he comes over the fence spray him with it.

😂

@IVbumble

Most kids are not abused by strangers - it's more likely to be someone they know so stop teaching your kids that 'strangers' are dangerous - it's very old fashioned thinking - instead teach them about safe people in their circle.

That's because people they know have more access to the children.

It's old fashioned to protect your kids?

I hope you don't have children.

Exactly... You are replying to someone who is encouraging op drop the idea risk comes from strangers... You are agreeing with each other!