Neighbour friendship 13year old with 4 & 2 year old?

[JusWunderin]

I don’t like it personally and I need to know if I’m just being silly.

My 4yo DD and 2yo DS regularly play out in the garden.

A 13yo boy keeps climbing up onto the fence and talking to the kids, my DD keeps telling me now how they’re best friends and they are not strangers.. I keep reminding her they ARE in fact strangers.

Hes asked multiple times to come play in our garden. But I’ve said no. I just don’t like the fact he’s 13, he’s in secondary school. My children aren’t even in school yet.

Weve had multiple letters on our estate about the children causing nuisance, damage ect and I know this boy hangs around with the bunch of kids on the estate that have been caught doing these things. he’s also stolen a football of ours.. DD threw it over to him after he asked her too and when DH asked for it back they said they don’t know what ball we’re talking about.. family haven’t been helpful either. We watched her throw the ball to him from inside, so we know they have it 😂

I feel horrible keep telling my DD no he can’t come over and she’s doesn’t understand the age difference. I just find it odd.

He’s got friends over to play right now and he’s just hanging out over fence asking to come over. I want him to go away tbh 😂

I don’t want to outright tell him to go away, or cause any bad feelings - but I also don’t want this to continue.

It’s not about splitting hairs over semantics. It’s about having a balanced view whilst protecting the vulnerable. It’s not an either / or situation.

As much as people get offended you cannot compare male and female children in a scenario like this. Children do abuse other children. Abusers are almost always male.

Just be firm with a stop hanging over the fence and go away. Plus get trellis up

Bit sad, innit?

I don't think he is necessarily an abuser, but his intentions seem to be dubious. Literally who has time to probe into his real intentions or reasons? I'd just get rid.

I'd say to the boy "I think the children are too little to be playing with boys your age, so you can't come over. Sorry about that!" I'd stay to DD "Next door boy is too grown up to play with younger children, so I've told him he can't come over." Any whys arising, I'd just keep repeating "he's too grown up to play and that's for mummy to decide". She doesn't have to understand the ins and outs.

I have a balanced view. ND or not, there is an imbalance of power between a 13 year old and pre-school children. That is a risk and it is the risk to the vulnerable that is important here. Not whether the 13 year old will be offended if told his behaviour is inappropriate.

All of the children I work with have been manipulated by an older person; sometimes it's the parents, older siblings or even a neighbour. It starts at a young age and sadly the cycle continues.

I stand by my original point which is that he should be told he is far too old to be playing with a four year old and a two year old. We don't mix these ages in our schools for a very good reason.

I'm sure I'm paranoid but poor Jamie Bulgar always springs to mind in situations like this, I'll never let my young kids trust older, 'stranger' kids.

Could you pop round and chat to the family? Probabaly a phase for the young lad and nothing more.

Perhaps he thinks he's helping? perhaps he feels drawn to the family ( in a non creepy way)

I remember going through a stage of a little girl running to meet me at her gate every day. Didn't make me a predator.

He’s already proven himself to be a thief. I think OP owes him no further “benefit of the doubt”.

I’d trust your gut, I doubt he is trying to abuse your children but it does sound like he possibly wants to steal their toys, which obviously isn’t good. I don’t see a huge issue with a 13 year old chatting with younger kids, I remember as a kid I had much younger neighbours who would talk to me over the fence and I’d always try and be polite and talk to them, or if we were playing out and they were there we’d play with them if they asked. But that seems different to what is happening here.

Nobody owes anybody anything. Its good to be vigilant and careful. It'll be raining soon for 6 months and he'll get fed up with it.

Of course he may not be a predator at all. But there is no way to know whether he represents a threat to the two little girls or not and the stakes are too high for it to be left to chance.

He could be the loveliest best intentioned boy in the world, who will be disappointed at not playing with OPs DC. But that's not a problem OP needs to fix. Her priority is her DC and she is within her rights to decide this situation may not be in their interests. Absolutely no need for her to jump through hoops, questioning her assumptions, checking out his character, giving him a chance. I'm sure the lad will find other ways to occupy himself when he learns he can't do what he wants here. OPs 4 year old will also come to accept this minor disappointment.

Definitely not a good idea. When my boys were 6 and 7 we had a children's home near us and they became friendly with a boy who was about 11. I used to take him with us if we went out and treated him the same as mine.
Turned out he molested them both. The police were involved but it couldn't be taken further because the evidence wasn't there but they were believed.

The home people came to see us and asked if we would be okay with an apology 🤔 I said absolutely not we want him moving and I understood why he was like that as obviously he was in this place because it wasn't safe for him in his own home. But there is no way I wanted me or my kids seeing him, this is in the days when kids played out all day.

Anyway sorry it just reminded me. I would just keep telling him no.

Yes he's a stranger.
We had a case recently at my child's school where a Yr 6 boy locked himself in a loo with a Yr 2 girl and obvs was not ok. Your instincts are right, he's too old and very much not "safe" by the sounds of him so far.

Do whatever you need to do to keep your children safe, keep a friendly but firm tone, tell him your kids too young to play with him and ask why he's not playing with kids his age, etc.

Your children are 4 and 2. Of course they don’t understand.

If you don’t have the balls to tell him to go away then take them inside every single time.

The police were involved but it couldn't be taken further because the evidence wasn't there

Surely there has to be some middle ground between abuse and a daft kid nicking a ball?

I’ve only read the first page or so of replies so sorry if I’m repeating something but it’s important enough to repeat.

This is a really important learning opportunity for your children. Most abusers are known to the child/family and trusted. So trotting out the idea he’s not safe because he’s a stranger is not sufficient. Moreover your child does not view him as a stranger.

This is a great opportunity to explain to her why you think he is not a ‘safe’ person

• he’s pushing himself into your private space. In this case by leaning over the garden fence but you can elaborate on this at an age appropriate level to expand the learning.
• he’s stolen something from you.
• he lied (by saying he hadn’t seen the ball but had actually asked for it). This means he isn’t trustworthy and therefore we should be wary around him.
• etc….

A 13 year old wanting to play with younger kids may or may not be innocent. A 13 year old gaslighting younger kids, and their parents, is very unlikely to be a ‘safe’ person.

Maybe he just likes little kids, maybe he'll grow up to work with children. Fine, but it's not up to you to facilitate that. Your job is to protect your kids. He's coming into your garden without permission, hanging around...it's not appropriate. Tell him to get off your fence, go play with kids his own age. If he doesn't, go talk to the parents. Don't leave your kids unsupervised in the back garden. There's two boys of similar age living next door to me and no way would I allow them to do this.

GET RID OF HIM

My mum didn’t think it was wierd…. Exactly the same situation.

She was wrong and regretted it so much.

You can tell your kids that although he's not a "stranger" as such, it is strange behaviour, and they should stay away from him. He's too old to play with a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Tell all the kids (including him) that, and that he mustn't hang over the fence/start conversations with your kids any more. If he continues go and knock on and speak to his parents. It's inappropriate.

Teenage girls can be used to gain access to younger children. I know of someone who used their 12 y/o daughter to try and access a younger child (similar ages to this post). Thankfully he was arrested before anything could happen.

@JusWunderin i'm with you. 13 year olds do not have anything in common with pre-primary school aged children and i'd be wary as well. Even if he is ND, he is too big and not developmentally on the same level as a 4 year old.

I'd just tell him that. You are too big to play with my kids - please stop coming over here.

He is probably harmless and lonely but you are allowed to have boundaries and he keeps treading on them so be direct.

Absolutely there is. But you don't know these things have happened until too late. I didn't know until the police knocked on my door. I don't know how they knew but I'm glad they did.