What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

‘How did you end up here?’ sounds as if you think they just got off the boat. Why not just continue to wait for them to volunteer information?

"Have you always lived in Place?" flips it on its head - you start from the position of assuming that they're local.

I'm a POC, British born and I find 'where did you grow up?' works in this situation. If someone asks me that I can tell them x city and my parents moved there from xyz... I don't mind people being curious about 'where I'm from' as I'm aware of the way I look but asking like this, I don't feel like I'm being 'othered' as I could have grown up anywhere really, same as anyone else.

Is that you Lady Hussey?

im curious about all sorts of things but that doesn’t mean I feel I have a right to know. @rickyrickygrimes why do you feel you should be privy to the information?

'Host' population says something about how you think about this. Are people guests?

BTW, I'd wait until someone volunteers in natural conversation or what @AnotherFuzzyJumper said.

I sometimes say "I'm trying to place your accent".

@TomeTome I just see it as friendly small talk. People ask me all the time because I don't have a local accent. It's merely a conversation opener.

“How did you end up here” is an awful question! Please never ask anyone that. I get you’re interested but I’d honestly wait for them to volunteer some info, then ask a follow on question. Basing it on how long they’ve lived in their current neighbourhood or house is safer

I’m white, but my accent doesn’t reflect the part of the UK where I live, its from where I was born and grew up. Occasionally someone will ask me where I’m from. I don’t mind at all, but it could feel very different for POC.

I've been told " tell me about your heritage " is a good way. I'm of mixed heritage myself and never mind someone asking in that way.

It depends on the context for me. People often ask “Where are you from” when seeing my surname or hear my accent. I usually say : I’m from “ insert country”. If I feel that you have right to know a bit more (my child’s teacher) I will add details. If I feel that you shouldn’t have asked at all ( lady next to me at the checkout) I will answer : X place ( which is a small town next to your big city, that’s where I live at the moment) then I’ll smile and move away.
Why do you think you have right to know details about other people’s lives by the way ?

I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite

Because they are likely not 'from' anywhere but born here!

I'm also interested in other people's lives and backstories, but don't go asking strangers where they're from.

Tbh I prefer if people ask outright, something like “where are your family from”. Many of us are from here, never lived in our parents/grandparents countries etc. how did you get here would get a response like “well when a mummy loves a daddy….” 🙄 or possibly “I took the 52 bus”. I don’t feel offended about people wanting to know my ethnicity/religion etc, I’m curious about other people too.

Thanks for hosting us OP (lighthearted, not having a pop at you).

I’d guess the answer to the question is fairly straightforward forward then for you? I’m not sure it’s beyond anyone’s imagination to see that might not be a universal truth.

I find assuming that they will find a curious question about themselves hostile quite offputting. There is nothing more natural than been curious about the person you are speaking to. Just ask, though I would not ask "how did you end up here?" That one sounds a bit weird to me. And I ended up here because I love this place, including the weather (well, most of the time, still not fully fond of the speed at which it can change at times)

'Where are you from' is perfectly fine.

We are all from somewhere.

I am white British but grew up in a European country and have an accent. I find those sort of questions nearly always offensive, they happen within 2-5 mins of meeting me and people say things like
”where is your accent from?”
”are you South African?” (Never been there)
”Asking because of your accent” (I know that’s why you are asking)

recently at a toddler class I was chatting to someone else, when an unknown mum shouted over “are you from xx country? Because of your accent”

also when I answer “I am from Cambridge”, where I have lived nearly all my adult life, people keep digging and ask “where are you really from”

I find this sort of questioning offensive and I will volunteer the Information if I feel like it or it comes up in the right moment.

I’m pretty curious about this but I know that people don’t like to be asked so I just guess in my own head and try to pick up clues from what they say.

But then accept the answer people give. My friend of Asian origin says “Leeds” and people keep asking “where are you really from” or “where is your family from” they are from Leeds!

For me it’s rude. I know I have an accent, I don’t need random people to comment on it or ask questions.

This, this is the best and only way to do it.

What makes you think I wouldn't accept an answer to a question I just asked?

But honestly not everyone likes to explain their heritage. I'm mixed race, estranged from my dad and I don't speak my mum's mother tongue. So my race is half X and half Y, but I'm naturalised British and only speak English. I really hated trying to explain all this as a young person and getting challenged about it.

When asked I just laugh and say "I didn't grow up here but I'm a Londoner now" which is code for, I don't want to talk about it. I do get pretty huffy when people ask where I'm from, just because I'm brown.

Thanks for asking this OP. I’m not local to where I live now and people will often remark on that by commenting on my accent and asking where I’m from, or they say “you’re not from County name are you?” Which I don’t mind but I can try to imagine how I would feel if I were not White and felt that the insinuation was not just that I’m not local, but somehow not supposed to be in the UK at all.

Part of the purpose of small talk is to help lead to better and deeper connections, it is a bridge from being an acquaintance to making friends. So questions which might help you learn more about a person or find points of mutual interest seem to be acceptable. But I completely understand the sense of othering that comes with the query about “where are you from”.

I was mortified to realise I’d done just that to a school mum I was chatting to years ago. we were both living in London, lots of people don’t come from London originally, myself included, and asking someone if they’ve always lived here seemed like an ok question. But I see now that it would have seemed loaded and othering even though I was just interested in whereabouts in the UK they had grown up / gone to uni etc.

finding a way through so that genuine interest can be taken as just that would be great!

I usually say I studied languages which is true and say I love hearing different accents and how people speak and I hope my tone and expressions make it obvious I'm genuinely interested not hostile.