What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

Me too, and the ones who don’t care that it offends a lot of people and intend to carry on regardless. Ignorant, and if they carry on, racist.

Racist and particularly stupid.

I do too. I studied languages, lived abroad for a few years and travelled as long haul cabin crew for two decades, so I genuinely am interested. Most people seem quite happy to say, and obviously if anyone doesn’t answer I leave it. Most people are shocked and delighted that I’ve usually been to where they’re from and know their city.

Well thank fuck for that.

If you know the actual intention of the questioner’s question, why then deliberately go round in circles answering multiple questions that they didn’t want answering? This is being deliberately awkward and pointless.
My background means I’m sometimes not 100% sure which question is being asked, but I don’t knowingly answer all the wrong questions on purpose, what on earth is the point of that?
Some of you are being disingenuous, years of experience with this makes it patently obvious which questioner is trying to make meaningful communication and which has a racist or biased agenda

Really interesting post @Brainworm.

I would say that by removing myself from asking questions because, as I think you're saying, different groups take offence at different things/questions. I am naturally interested in others and I actually don't want to stop asking questions but I also don't want to have to be constantly watching what I say.

If more people do this then the natural consequence is that people will stick to 'people like them' in looks, social class etc unless they know the person is 'safe'.

I was interested in another thread where a poster was complaining about people asking about her injured hand. Again this is something I would naturally do out of concern and kindness however clearly I am rude/old fashioned!

Personally I think most people don't mean/want to offend however there is a big majority who want to see/take offence.

I find on the whole people are proud to tell you where they are from/or if born in UK they proudly offer up where their parents are from. I never say - yeah but where are you REALLY from? As I realise several generations could have been born in UK. One of our porters is of Somalian heritage but told me he was born in Holland and only lived there for 4 years before coming here. I find things like that fascinating. Well I would, wouldn't I, coming from boring Welling in Kent!!

I often chat to the two Philippino porters about life back home and the food. We chat about places to go there and I tell them about nice places to holiday in UK. No offence meant and none caused.

You genuinely think that the answer is to never speak to people again?

What a way to live.

You had a huff and got a reaction to your huff.

By the way, can I ask where your parents came from originally? What about your grandparents? Do all your family live in the UK? What language do you speak at home? Do you always eat curry, or do you sometimes eat English foods? Do you ever think that you might want to move back home? No, I mean where you come from originally

If people asking these questions coming from a place of curiosity/ interest whereby whatever answer given will not lead to thinking the person is 'lesser' or an 'outsider', these questions- on their own- are innocuous.

When I meet Welsh people, I often ask them if they speak Welsh, attend eisteddfods and follow any other traditions. I am confident that those I ask don't take offence. I expect the difference is that they haven't experienced a lifetime of racism.

Incidents that are race related that lead to feelings of being 'othered' (not just racist incidents), can lead to distress and overwhelm. I understand that people want to protect others from experiencing this by set rules about interactions. I can see how suggestions of developing resilience is perceived as victim blaming. However, making blanket statements relating to what constitutes racism and insensitivity is not reasonable.

We need to empower individuals to communicate more effectively. For example, when asking a question to provide a context as to your interests/ why you are asking and when someone brings up a topic you aren't interested in, to state this- providing some context as to why.

Added to this, I think the starting point for others being comfortable about difference. The assumption in all these posts is that a white person is comfortable with their whiteness (for obvious reasons if UK based) and so doesn't mind discussing issues linked to race. Some posts suggest that some people are not comfortable with being a racial minority (for obvious reasons). However, if we allow this visible and real difference to be an elephant in the room, this won't help.

I have also just had a chat with a guy whose name looked Hungarian and I said that the name looked Hungarian and it was!

The answer, as you well know, is to consider whether you just might be asking an unwelcome question. But I think we have established you don’t give a shiny racist fuck.

The thing is, if diverse groups are going to live together in harmony, you can't have individuals or sub groups thinking that they can unilaterally decide what is or isn't rude or intrusive. Diversity will bring different ideas about what is/isn't acceptable.

The thing is I absolutely CAN decide what I think is rude or intrusive. You can carry on behaving in a way I find annoying or rude, but it’s up to me what I think about that.

The thing is, if diverse groups are going to live together in harmony, you can't have individuals or sub groups thinking that they can unilaterally decide what is or isn't rude or intrusive. Diversity will bring different ideas about what is/isn't acceptable.

It's my choice to decide what I want to talk about so I don't have to answer rude and intrusive questions! If someone makes me feel uncomfortable, I've got every right to stop them.

It's too easy for this to be othering. I'd stick with more neutral questions like have you lived in this part of Sheffield long, are your parents nearby, have you got siblings, etc. Family stories are personal and complex, not everyone wants to share them or has the information you're interested in.

@Brainworm you are so so naive…..

It’s not just (racist or xenophobic) incidents that make you feel ‘other’.
Its also the constant reminder you’re not the same - you dont look the same, you dont eat the same etc…

And btw asking those question to someone who is welsh is not the same than asking those questions to someone who has non British heritage…..

I do, I’m very interested in others but I’m not asking a lot of questions straight away at the first meeting.

I think asking about accents can be offensive too. My mum had an unusual accent and people were very often rude about it, demanding to know where mum was from. Being interested in people/accents/language does not give you the right to rudely enquire where people are from.

Its also the constant reminder you’re not the same - you dont look the same, you dont eat the same etc…

The starting point is that we are all human. Beyond that there are infinite ways to group/categorise ourselves and each other.

The issues arising is the value and attributions given the differences.

People have different cultures, traditions and skin colour. I don't think any are better than the other, they are just different. If you come from this position, it's a straight forward fact that you are the same as some and different to others and there should be no issues in recognising that.

Issues arise when people give differing value and worth to differences and seek to exclude and marginalise on this basis. The issue is not being different but the attributions made about this.

Social learning theory provides a good explanation about why and how people seek to create 'in groups' and 'out groups'.

The point I am making is that seeking to ignore difference or expecting others to is never going to work and risks furthering the idea that difference is a problem and must never be spoken about.

t's my choice to decide what I want to talk about so I don't have to answer rude and intrusive questions! If someone makes me feel uncomfortable, I've got every right to stop them

I agree with most of what you are saying but think of it as........If you experience other people's questions as rude or intrusive you have every right to stop them and not answer.

However, it is not a fact that the questions are 'rude and intrusive' nor that the person was wrong to ask them. Cultures and the social norms within them vary a lot and what seems outrageous to you may be perfectly unacceptable to others.

You think I'm racist because I talk to people?

It can be difficult, I think "where did you grow up" or "where is your accent from" are the better options.
My friend is mixed race British white/asian and says she's never sure if someone asks where she's from do they mean where in the UK because she has a regional accent or what is her ethnicity. She usually replies "I'm from X but my Mum is from Y" but a lot of the time people are then embarrassed if they were just meaning where in the UK is she from. She doesn't really mind people asking though.

The point I am making is that seeking to ignore difference or expecting others to is never going to work and risks furthering the idea that difference is a problem and must never be spoken about.

oh I don’t think that differences should never be talked about! Actually I think talking about them, learning about those with curiosity is what helps you grow as an individual.

On the other side, highlighting those differences isn’t really helpful either. Because of the othering it creates.

So we’re back to a ‘it depends of the context’.

asking about what someone eats everyday as part of a conversation around food/what’s you’ve eaten last night? Absolutely fine.
Asking them where their accent is coming from, where they (really?) from within 30 seconds of meeting them, maybe not.

The issue I’m finding is that a lot of people feel they can ask very personal questions because the other person looks different. I have the same thing happening because I use a wheelchair for example. The ‘but why are you using a wheelchair?’ Type of question. Thats not different. They’re intrusive and very personal.

And the bottom line is, unless you’re getting closer and start knowing each other, no one has the right to access what is personal information.

@MtClair totally context related agree.

And if, from their perspective they are asking a perfectly friendly question, then they will still ask you.

Only you can decide how much offence to take.