What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

Maybe people just need to be locked in their homes again for fear that someone might get asked a question they don't like?

If they have decided to engage with the outside world, then at some point a question they don't like might happen upon them. It won't be the end of the world.

People are getting less and less able to cope with normal conversations. It is worrying to me to be honest.

It's funny, I'm white with a very typical English accent and literally nobody has ever expressed an interest in 'where I come from' etc
I'm actually an immigrant who was born outside of Europe and moved around a great deal before the age of 10.
My friend, who was born in Sheffield is constantly asked 'where she's originally from' She isn't white and generally rolls her eyes and suggests they ask me instead.

I think in a normal conversation questions do come up but there’s a world of difference between (stupid example)

’Daisy coffee shop is closing, that shop doesn’t have much luck does it?’
’Oh, doesn’t it? We only moved here last year so I don’t know.’
’Did you … where did you live before?’
’Oh, we were in wales actually!’
’Really - is that where you grew up?’

and

‘where are you from?’
’wales’
’which part?’
’cardiff’
’why did you move here?’
’for work’
’what do you do?’

I have been on the receiving end of the latter and it does feel like you’re being absolutely grilled, I hate it.

Coffee morning for reception class parents for example (as part of a wider conversation obviously). Are people genuinely offended by being asked in that kind of context?
This would be exactly the situation I really dislike being asked where we are from. You are essentially outing this child/family to the whole class and making their whole tagline focused on them not being local.

remember - it might be the first time you have asked them, but it’s definitely not the first time they have been asked!

So true!

As for 'I'm trying to place your accent' - hate this one with a passion!

I’m from another country and it is very obvious by my looks and accent.
Usually people ask:

• are you from X (my country)? When they pick up on my accent - doesn’t bother me
• are you from A, B or C? (other countries that are very fifferent from mine but somehow ppl think I could be from there - doesn’t bother me
• how long have you been here? or when did you move here? - I don’t like this question when asked by ppl I barely know because it’s nosy and I can see they are just trying to find out what country I’m from)
• Where are you from? - I don’t mind this question but makes me feel like my English is not good enough but this is a ‘me’ problem. It is a normal question and in my view not racist at all depending on the tone

And the cleverest:
Someone once said a swear word and then said ‘oooops, pardon my French’
and then
‘oooops, sorry, are you French? I hope I didn’t offend you?’

Done in a humurous way, made me laugh and I revealed where I’m from to deny I’m French.

That’s a fair point to be fair. My son is nearly always the only non white person and gets the ‘ no, but where are you REALLY from’ a fair bit. He’s happy to talk about his heritage, it’s no secret, but not to a total stranger who can’t think of anything else to say to him.

So back to the 'microagression to look and also to not look at me' situation.

I met a lady last year who was from Mexico at a coffee morning here in France. I told her I was growing Tomatillos and she went into raptures. I then dug 2 out of my garden, told her I had some spare and took them to her so that she could grow them in her patio. She was over the moon. But hey, I guess I'm tone deaf so should have not bothered. Great way to live.

I'd never ask - it would feel rude. I know it could be intended as a friendly conversation opener but so much can be implied by asking about someone's origins, no matter what their skin colour, ethnicity or accent.

But then, as a native Liverpudlian, I know how it feels to be regularly asked about my accent and I suppose it does become a sensitive point. I left Liverpool 45 years ago (I was 14) but I still get asked about football and the Beatles 🙄and it still gets implied that all scousers are "scallies".

So, although I know the question was actually more about race, no, I wouldn't ask where someone comes from (unless they were a fellow scouser in exile).

If someone has an accent I struggle to see how it is a problem to ask directly where they are from - I'm an Aussie and after 30 years in the UK am still always asked this. I often get NZ, South Africa or even "a twang" but I don't expect people to be able to identify a faded soft Aussie accent. It's nice that people are interested.

If someone has a different skin colour but no accent then I would never ask where their family is from. I would be interested in where their heritage lies but would wait for them to volunteer it.

That's really rude and off putting.

I write off people who ask me where I'm from within 5 minutes of meeting me as nosy, rude and entitled.

If you're actually having a conversation with people and getting to know them, a nicer way to ask this is 'where did you grow up'.

The late Queen, when meeting members of the public at events used to ask "Have you come far?"
Good non offensive conversation opener.

That's the thing, isn't it? - They can't think of anything else to say to him. But then what would they say to him if he was white I wonder? They'd probably ask him about school/ college/ his job/ his interests - something about his actual decisions in life, rather than simply where he was born.

There's a whole world of questions - why do people get so hung up on 'where are you from?' when actually that's not something we have any choice over - it's much more interesting to talk to people about choices and decisions they have made in their lives, their careers, their interests, etc.

During the course of a conversation, eventually, people are likely to share their background anyway, if they want to.

Starting out with the question is just a bit crass and not a very sophisticated/ interesting way to make conversation.

This x 100 thanks @TomeTome

Oh good for you. Yes, you are tone deaf. Some people don’t mind being asked and some people do. So if you’re still happy asking a question which you now know, if you’ve read the thread, annoys a lot of people, even if you don’t realise it, I’d say that’s a micro aggression. Most people who don’t like the question will very probably answer politely anyway, don’t let that fool you into thinking they don’t care.

You are from somewhere too. Have a conversation, don't make it as quizz. For example - I was born in this city and moved here (different city) after college, or all my family is from here. When you ask questions without also talking about yourself it feels like you are questioning someone who you view as something that does not belong vs when you also talk about yourself it is friendly conversation.

I look foreign and that's how I feel about people asking me questions, and I often invite those who asks to talk by asking them questions as well. It's up to the other person to show me if they are just nosy or friendly and unless they also talk about themselves I discontinue the conversation but happy to chat if you are chatty

@Hippyhippybake partly because it’s tedious but also partly because it picks and it niggles until you barely want to speak at all because someone will make it obvious you’re not one of them.

Can't it just happen organically? So if it's someone you are likely to see again, at some point there will be an opener where it will be appropriate to ask. The conversation will naturally take you to that point.

Surely op, the fact you are struggling to find a 'polite' way to ask is telling you something?

Thank you, very well put, I agree with every point!

I agree, people all over the world ask this all the time. I have lived in France, Egypt, and Germany and have,like all of us, been on holiday to lots of places too. People always ask this. Honestly, i know it can be boring but it’s human nature, and often it’s just small talk to get on to the next bit of the conversation. “Where are you from?”. “England”, “Ah yes London”. Personally I like a chat like this. Now, I know that’s not the same for everyone but let’s just admit this is standard small talk in the majority of cases, like the Queen used to say “Have you come far?”

The people whining about how its fine and only a conversation starter and saying petulantly that if they couldnt ask it then they cant ever have chats with anyone- what the hell do you do when meeting someone white/british then?

Do you just stand there ignoring them? or, do you find other ways to start a conversation- if so, then why on earth cant you do that with someone whose ethnicity you "cant place"?

Ah that is a pity. I wonder if the context is different where I live though as I only know of 1-2 parents on my kids class who were born locally. The rest are mostly international. So I hope no one feels singled out.

Yes, but the UK is currently sizzling with tensions around immigration. You need to consider context and how people might feel about the possible subtexts of this question.

@MotherOfCrocodiles This is pretty much the context in which I am asking: international school and the community linked with it, not accosting random people at the bus stop and demanding to know where they are from 😂.

@pinacollateral

if ‘host’ country is the wrong term, what’s the correct one? I don’t live in my country of origin, I think of the country where I live now as my ‘host’. But that’s a personal perception based on my own situation. I’m white, living in a European country. No one ever asks where I’m from until they hear me speak and they hear my accent.