What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

Often if you're chatting to someone they'll soon mention something about where they're originally from and then you can ask more.

For example, a couple of days ago I was chatting to an Uber driver who mentioned something about xyz was different in "my country", so I ask him which country that was (Eritrea, if you're interested) and we got talking about how long he'd lived in the UK and the different cities he'd lived in etc.

Or if the conversation doesn't flow you can ask 'have you always lived in Leeds/London/Paris/Vancouver?' then you might get a bit more about where they grew up, the places they've lived (it's always fascinating when people have lived in various countries) or where their parents/grandparents etc. came from.

Generally though, if you're friendly and interested and don't assume that just because someone looks a bit different to you or sounds a bit different they're 'other' or 'not British' then most people will be happy to tell you a bit about their life. If, however, they're reluctant to then don't push it. Some people are very private and may take some time for them to feel comfortable sharing details about their background.

I found the questions a little tedious before but always assumed good intentions and perhaps ignorance from the person asking.

After reading this thread, I have a much lower opinion of people asking these questions.

Me too, give me strength.

You've quoted me in a hurry it seems, without even reading my comment?

I've explicitly said I wouldn't be offended if you asked me this. Nor triggered.

I'd simply be bored and irritated, similar to Blur meeting the Charmless Man. Because it's not the sort of question that leads to smooth comfortable dialogue.

It puts work on the questioned person , who you've presumably just met, to sift a potted summary from a potentially complicated and certainly private backstory. It's hard work and it's one-sided, if you the questioner don't have to do similar social/emotional labour.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you don't actually want to irritate people you converse with. But maybe... you do. Maybe you're an awkward edgelord who likes to challenge people deliberately. So edgy

I never get asked this because I am white and have a neutral accent but actually I spent quite a bit of time outside the UK as a child and 'where are you from' would not be a straightforward one for me to answer. So for me the inherent difficulty in this question is that it is normally directed at people who seem visibly/audibly 'not from here' (but may well have lived here longer than me).
I guess a test of whether a question about this is appropriate might be whether you would also ask me the same question when making small talk. 'Have you always lived in Little Whinging' is something people have asked me for example...

I'm not sure whether I've worded that very well! It sounds a bit like I'm envious of other people being asked it which isn't what I meant at all...

I did not grow up in my country of residence and this is immediately evident from my appearance and my accent. I don’t find any of these questions offensive, I find them TEDIOUS because I’ve been asked them so many times before, and believe me, they’ve never led on to a conversation that I’ve ever found interesting on first meeting someone. You might be interested in my origins OP, but you will be the 762nd person to ask me about them (cue instant disinterest on my part). I can’t begin to imagine how tedious this would be for someone who actually did grow up in their country of residence. In these cases, “do you live locally?” or “have you always lived in Place?” would be the ideal questions.

I could summarise my view as follows: if you (general you) are trying to make casual/light/friendly conversation with someone, but the questions you are asking are hard work for them to answer, you are awkward. This is pretty much the definition of social awkwardness.

Most people don't like to be socially awkward and make mental notes of topics to avoid in casual conversation. It's nothing to do with woke. I'm not woke, I generally despise wokery. But I do avoid chat about, say, religion, politics etc in casual conversation, because I don't like awkward arguments.

"Where are you from", as a conversation opener with someone you hardly know, goes in the same awkward-topics-best-avoided box, unless the other party brings up their backstory themselves

I think those getting offended that people don’t want to answer their “perfectly reasonable” questions are the very definition of entitled. We are all different and lots of people may not want to divulge personal information to someone they have just met FFS. What is so hard to understand about that?They don’t owe you an explanation! That’s before you even get into the issues around othering people.

I wonder if a good analogy would be saying to someone "you look lovely and slim! Please could you tell me about your diet and exercise regime?".

There's nothing, in itself, offensive about this question (and it's something I talk about with friends), but if a complete stranger asks you, do you find it "just them being interested" or do you find it irritating (you don't want to reveal that much info about yourself), or possibly intrusive (maybe you have an eating disorder).?

I would also suggest this is not a question that people generally do ask in casual conversation to people they don't know well - why is that?

I’ve had people I don’t know well ask me how I stay so slim and find this very intrusive.
I'm celiac and also have food intolerances so really struggle to eat enough but don’t want to tell people my health problems.