What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

I don't understand why people get so 'offended' about talking about where they are from. Be proud of your origins and background. People are only interested. Having people too afraid to ask questions of anyone of a different colour or with a different accent to their own is not the way to break down barriers.

Same for me.

I always ask what’s your heritage.

Host country / guest is a polite and common term internationally but much less so in Britain. I think it may sound less loaded in other languages too whether Arabic, Turkish, Spanish or French.

“Host country” is used in many places to describe someone who is there temporarily - eg anyone at an international school, military people posted overseas, migrant “expat” workers, and yes, refugees too (most refugees want to go home when the war ends - they didn’t choose to leave their country, they were forced to by bombs and bullets and their first choice and greatest
hope is to return to their homeland, if and when peace returns)

Of course the problem is when the person isn’t there temporarily. So “host” should only be used when you’re 100% certain it’s a temporary situation. And I suspect many British users don’t know people who are in the UK temporarily, plus coupled with the ugly and scary racism, Islamophobia and xenophobia the UK is currently grappling with, it’s not an appropriate term to use in Britain. But the OP isn’t in the UK, so it’s probably fine for her.

I like this and will use it, thank you.

I've asked someone what their heritage was before - but it's a question for someone you're getting to know and have struck up a bit of a friendship with. It's not a first five minutes question IMO - unless you're a university student chatting to the people on your corridor. One of the first questions everyone asked then was 'where are you from?' .

Well if they can't cope with perfectly normal human interactions maybe they will stay home.

The lady opposite me has lived in her house since the second world war, she was born here, never left and still doesn't have any water other than a well. She is from here. She talks about living here.

I'm on country number 4 in my life, and have moved over 33 times to numerous places. I am from various places. I talk about many places.

We are all from somewhere. It is normal behaviour to ask this question.

Having met a load of Irish people recently in a ‘small talk’ situation, the first set of questions was generally about what county/area they’re from. I think it’s just a natural thing you use to categorise people in your mind, like their sex, rough age, colour of hair.

There was someone there with an accent (european but I couldn’t place it) and I didn’t ask her where she was from but I was conscious I was suppressing the question to avoid offence. Not sure that’s ideal either but perhaps the best option given comments on this thread.

@AGodawfulsmallaffair honestly, you are really rude considering you don’t want to upset people by asking innocuously where someone is from. Evidently the upsetting people rule doesn’t apply on mumsnet.

If I know someone well then this sort of information tends to come out from them over time. If I don't know them well it seems rude to ask details about them.

I still cringe when I was visiting another city and spoke to someone who’d also gone away for the weekend and I asked where he was from and he gave me a bit of his background and parents etc, when really I just meant where do you live/where have you travelled from. “Where are you from” round here would mean which part of the town do you live. Whereas “where do you live” would suggest wanting an actual address. I’ve heard people say “where do you stay” meaning the same thing, but to me that sounds temporary like which hotel are you staying at.

This is good, personally if someone has a different accent I don't see the issue asking where they are from.

What offends you about it?

I suspect most “non local” people (like me) have a short version of an answer e.g “oh we moved here quite sometime ago for work” without specifying how long ago, what kind of work it is and other details. I expect you to spot the stage when people don’t want to go into details and respect it ( back off). Even if you tell them about yourself they might not be up to tell you about them (and it’s normal) My problem with your attitude that you don’t ask to make a small talk, you want to know “the story” which’s in my book is too much even in a environment you’ve described.
With POC I would probably ask about if they’re local to the area/ town and won’t press further. But I’m white myself so my approach might be a wrong one.

This thread goes to show that people's preferences differ. Some people object to being asked any questions about their past unless the asker is well known to them, others are happy to answer no matter how questions are asked, some don't mind so long as it's phrased a certain way.

I think that everyone (including those from marginalised groups) would feel better and get along better if they took each other at face value and gave each other benefit of the doubt. So, if something has piqued someone's interest (accent, name, skin colour, clothing) they should feel that it's ok to ask, in turn, they should be ready to be told that this isn't something the person wants to answer. Nether party needs to be offended. I think those who take offence do so because of the inferences they make about why the questioner or responder has acted this way.

I have a visible disability. I work with people with autism who often ask me very direct questions about it. Mostly, I answer directly. Sometimes, I am not up for that, and I say that it isn't something I want to talk about at that point in time. Many people consider these exchanges acceptable but would object if the questioner was neurotypical. Why is this? Why shouldn't anyone ask if interested?

We are led to believe that there is malign intent (often outside of conscious awareness) behind most people's interactions with marginalised groups. We are told that questioning this is racist/ablest or a sign of internalised racism/ablism.

Discrimination exists, and there are significant inequalities in society. intolerance also exists, but we won't get anywhere through behaving intolerantly towards each other as we go about our daily lives. Whist some are assuming various acts are micro aggressions, others are fuming about accusations being made about their motivations/ignorance. I fail to see how tensions between neighbours will help address inequality.

How about, if someone asks you something you don't want to answer or have concerns may be coming from a hostile place, just state that it isn't something you like to discuss. And, if you ask someone a question and they choose not to answer, how about accepting this without judging the responder. Neither parties know what underpins each other's actions but jumping to conclusions, that may or may not be correct, is bound to cause upset to yourself and others. .

If you mean I was rude to Alison, who absolutely refuses to even consider she could rethink what personal questions she asks people, oh well, I’ll get over it. But you can’t see why it’s not innocuous to be continually asked this if you’re not white, so you would think this. It doesn’t really matter what people think about the question - but it’s not exactly a secret a fair few people don’t like it, so to carry on asking it, that’s what is incredibly rude.

I think, for those asking why ‘where are you from?’ Might be offensive is because there is the subtext of ‘because you’re not from here, you’re different and strange and I’m deciding if I should trust you’. Even more so if you’re asked this by a virtual stranger within 5 minutes of meeting them.

once you are friendly with someone their background or ‘heritage’ will almost certainly come out in conversation, and that’s fine and you can talk about it then. But grilling someone who is obviously different in some way, because of skin colour or accent, is generally a bit obnoxious. People do not owe you an explanation or justification for their existence.

I find it so intrusive when people ask me. I can’t say that I think it’s rude but during my childhood as the only white face in a school of 400 and then 800 I always felt singled out and different.
I don’t want to be asked at all tbh. Just leave me alone!

If we get a new starter at work I sometimes ask "Are you also new to CityName ?".

Absolutely this^
At the beginning of our life in UK I felt exactly this that people are asking because they are trying to decide if I’m a some sort of danger for them because me being so different was so obvious.

It's not really how you're asking if, its that you're asking it. It's not really a conversation opener, and you would have to be beyond stupid to assume people won't be somewhat guarded about being asked that by a stranger.
Yes, people you have a established relationship with, colleague or perhaps a new acquaintance moving into friend territory where it's obvious you have a genuine interest in the person it's fine. But just asking random people because you're interested shows a huge amount of white privilege and frankly it wouldn't cross my mind to ask. I presume you can rattle off white British without a care intl the world when asked your ethnicity but for many people that's an unwelcome level of interest in something that is often sensitive information, it might be like asking someone about another protected characteristic such as sexuality or socioeconomic status. You just don't until you know someone well enough. There is a power dynamic playing out here and you need to have a look at why you're asking and why you feel entitled to know.

I've heard 'Where did you get that lovely accent?' which I thought was a great way of asking
(Not said to me because I don't have a lovely accent!)

I think this is quite rude

God lord you must be such an interesting person to meet. It's called conversation.

As a brown person who was born here and who in my 40 years has spent a grand total of 6 weeks in the country my parents moved from over 5 decades ago…I’d honestly prefer people would stop asking. My parents are nearly 80 and were 21 when they moved. They associate more with the UK than the country they grew up in, they’ve spent more time here and were conscientious about integrating. I honestly don’t have much to say about the country my parents are from…I barely know it.

”I’m trying to place your accent…” Great. So you think I have a strange accent then?

”How did you end up here?” The birth canal. And you?

”Tell me about your heritage?” I actually don’t know what this means. I’ve grown up like pretty much any other British kid. We celebrate all the UK festivals…plus Eid, but I’m not Muslim. Is that what you mean? I eat pasties and pies just as much as biryani and samosas…I like the theatre and castles and have never seen a Bollywood film. I mean…how seriously am I supposed to answer this?

Where are you from? Greater Manchester.

Where are you really from? Born in Lancashire. Lived most of my life in Greater Manchester.

I’m not being funny or rude. I’m just sick of being made to feel like an alien in the only country I’ve ever known. I’m a British Citizen, born in Britain, raised in Britain…what more can I actually say when what you really mean is “why is your skin darker than mine?”