What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

Not necessarily. Maybe in the UK people are extra cautious, in most part of Europe, people ask such questions. Having said that, like OP I am also conscious about asking such question. Sometimes it is pretty obvious the person is from another country because of their accent. I would love to ask that question because I am interested in people, not because I think they just got off the boat. I am an Indian and people from other culture when visiting their countries for work( not British) have asked me this question but I still feel conscious how to ask back, thinking they might be from that country.

🙄. When you are being asked that question I bet they aren’t trying to imply that you aren’t British. How many times have you been asked “where are you really from”? Or the person asking continues to dig deeper and isn’t satisfied with your first answer?

Irrelevant of whether you’re a native Brit or not, if someone asks where your accent is from just tell them, it’s not a secret is it?

I didn’t grow up in the area I’ve lived for 20 years now and I often get asked about my accent, I just say ‘I grew up in X but I’ve lived here for 20 years’ it’s just conversation, I’ve never found it offensive.

When did being interested in people become rude? Seriously showing an interest in somebody and their background used to be considered polite. It feels everything is offensive these days with the worst possible intention immediately attached to every word anyone says. It's immensely tedious and sucks the joy out of human interactions.

It kind of depends. If they have an accent of any kind I’ll ask “what’s your accent?” But definitely not where are you from.
I simply wouldn’t ask anyone else where they are from, unless the conversation naturally flowed to that subject and then I’d probably ask about heritage.

For context, I live / work in a very international context. I frequently meet people who - like me - do not live in their country of origin. I am white, I’m living in France. It’s easy to ask other white people where they are from, by not so easy when meeting POC. I don’t want to offend anyone.

the How did you end up here.., I mostly use that with people I know have moved around a lot. Everyone who lives somewhere other than where they were born has a story about how they got there. But again, I don’t want to be impolite.

😂🤣😂

I just say “have you always lived in **” city where we are now. Then they can offer up other information if they want. We have a lot of people who move here when they have families so it isn’t an odd question at all.

Personally, I'd rather someone ask a question such as "what is your heritage?".
Growing up I got a lot of questions like "are you from X" "are your parents from Y?" "You like like my friend from Z"
It's nice for someone to take an interest. I was also interested to hear where people thought I may be from!
I'm fairly racially ambiguous 🙃

Just don't say 'no where are you really from/ actually from' if they say they are from somewhere in the uk. And are not typically English looking.

🙄 But if your accent is clearly from elsewhere and you continue to maintain ‘I’m from X’ then obviously it’s confusing- no matter whether you’re British or not, just say where your accent is from if you have one.

Someone pushing ‘where are you from, where are you really from’ to a person of colour in the UK is offensive, someone asking to place a specific accent, irrelevant of whether the colour of their skin is not.

This isn't about 'race'.

I do wonder if this obsession with nobody being allowed to know anything about anyone else, is fuelling the utter insanity around immigration and handing the likes of Nigel Farage a landslide in the next election.

There were two threads on here last year.

One saying 'Looking at me is a microagression'
Another saying 'Not looking at me is a microagression'.

Honestly, look at people. Talk to them.

The whole being petrified of talking to people is destroying the UK.

Just fucking have a fucking conversation and get to know people. Then you have grounds to decide on whether you like them or not.

I came back to the UK the other week and said Good Morning to a few and they looked at me as if I was an alien.

Why not just ask people more general questions - ask them where they worked before, what they studied, etc?

You don't have to jump to 'where are you from' when you just met someone. Is it really the most interesting thing about a person anyway?

Ask them questions that are more about choices and decisions they've made in their lives, their interests - and if they want to tell you about their background/ ethnicity, then they will.

This reminds me of a funny conversation I had at my (usually excellent) GP.

People who are mixed race know that you can have kids with different skin tones. I'm mixed and my dh is white, and we have British nationality (I'm naturalised). Our dc1 has fair skin and hair and so I tick the "white british" ethnicity box on forms for her. Then a few years later, my dc2 was born and he has colouring more like mine, more brown. So, without thinking too much about it, I ticked "prefer not to say" for his ethnicity when I registered him at the GP.

At my 6w appt, the doctor (I learned later he was a PA, incidentally he was white) said "did you mean to put prefer not to say for the ethnicity? You have his sister down as white british"
Me: "yes because she patently is, whereas ds looked mixed. Put mixed white and Asian if you have to change it, then".
Him: "you can't have full siblings different ethnicity! I'll put them both down as mixed shall I"
Me: but she does look white. And he looks mixed.
Him: your ethnicity isnt what you look like, it's your genes!
Me: [getting heated] But surely you know how chromosomes work? You don't get exactly 25% of each grandparent. It's a random ratio when meiosis happens [I was cranky and postpartum]. Dd got less of her Asian grandma's ethnicity genes than DS did.
Him: Ethnicity isn't purely about genes.
Me: so it's neither appearance nor genes? Keep it as Prefer not to say, please.

Honestly I'm still angry about it now months later. I made my ILs laugh with the anecdote though.

Are you bothered about where people are initially from or do you want to know where they live now? Unless someone volunteers the information or it comes up in conversation I have never been bothered to hear someone recount where they were born.

I think most people are simply curious. I used to work with the public and the best part of it for me was meeting so many different people from many walks of like, including those on holiday from different countries, those on holiday from different parts of Britain, those that were born and bred in my local city but have moved around and everything in between.

I feel boring as hell when I listen to some people’s stories and I am genuinely interested. I love hearing about how people ended up in their jobs too!

I like to know people's family backgrounds too, I'm interested because I'm mixed heritage.
I don't ask though, but volunteer my own and sometimes that works.
I look white, with black hair, dark eyes, freckles etc. I've been asked where I'm from occasionally and I don't mind. It's not a loaded question for me.

But my brother has much darker skin, and a look that can't be placed easily.
He has been asked before, in a confrontational way by a drunk and told them to mind their fucking business.
If someone politely expressed an interest, he would happily tell them Essex - and then maybe go from there!

Those saying it is offensive are assuming a certain situation I think (random person on bus etc)

I think in small talk situations where you are getting to know people it is very normal. Coffee morning for reception class parents for example (as part of a wider conversation obviously). Are people genuinely offended by being asked in that kind of context?

How to say it without accidentally getting sounding racist is an issue though. "Did you grow up in (this town)" seems like a safe one, but also daft when the answer is really obviously "no" (eg person has a foreign accent).

For white people with an EU or non local British accent I'd probably just go with "where are you from". For non white people i might be too scared to ask at all for lack of a way of asking that doesn't sound offensive

Some people don't like intrusive questions. Why is that so hard to understand?

I guess I could summarise this whole interaction as my 6 week old baby getting the "where are you really from" treatment. Ffs!

I think most people are simply curious

For sure, and thats fine to be curious but what people have to remember is, when you are meeting strangers all day long in your job for example, you get asked that question many, many times a day and it gets very wearing. I dont think most people ask it with bad intentions but it's like - think of something about you, a feature that marks you out as different to others, then imagine being asked about it 10 times in one day by strangers, every day. After a while you get a little fed up of it because people are constantly focusing on it.

It may be the first time that day you have asked someone about it but for them, its happening all the fcking time.

I think the point is that if you ask that question and they give you an answer, just accept it, especially if they don’t volunteer any more information. This is particularly true is you don’t actually know this person well or have just met them.

You don’t have a right to know all about someone else’s, background, just because you’re curious. They also have a right to privacy. They aren’t there to educate or entertain you.
Most importantly as a PP said, “remember - it might be the first time you have asked them, but it’s definitely not the first time they have been asked!” So the response you get, may not be the one you want or expect.

It's not about 'nobody being allowed to know anything about anyone else'.

It's about being sensitive to how exhausting it is for a person who is trying to have a normal life, to be constantly othered by being asked 'where are you really from, though?'

If you walked in their shoes for a month you might see just how often they are asked that question, and how draining it is to constantly be reminded that you are different - especially when that is the first and only thing that someone seems to want to know about you, before they even know where you work or what you are interested in or anything else that makes you an interesting person.

In the context of the current racism and immigration issues in the UK, it's understandable that people who might be first/ second/ third generation immigrants are feeling a bit sensitive to these things. A question like that sometimes has a subtext of judgement about whether or not they are really 'supposed' to be here, and they will feel that acutely, especially at the moment.

It's such an extreme and ridiculous reaction to say that you are 'not allowed to know anything about anyone' - that's just not true at all and is the equivalent of the 'political correctness gone mad' brigade. That is simply the other end of the spectrum to the very things you are complaining about, and causes the very same issues of division and miscommunication.

There's a bit of nuance here so just be a bit sensitive to how the person you are talking to might be feeling, and how many times they might have been asked the question you are about to ask, and whether you can ask something that's a bit more interesting maybe?

I'm wondering if people who dislike this are in fairly homogeneous communities? In my kids school 2/3 of the families are non British and hardly any were born locally. So I wouldn't feel I was picking on someone being different (I'm also not from here originally)

It might be normal to you, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be offensive to someone who isn’t white. I’m always interested in someone’s background, for all sorts of reasons, but I wait for it to come up in conversation. I don’t care if I’m asked, because I’m white, but my son isn’t. If you can’t see the difference after reading some of the other replies on here then you’re tone deaf, whatever colour skin you have.