What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

@mangochutneyjar why wouldn’t you ask someone who is white/British the same question? It’s not all about only asking if someone is not white?

Yes, but the UK is currently sizzling with tensions around immigration. You need to consider context and how people might feel about the possible subtexts of this question.
The UK isn't the only country in Europe that is currently having tensions with regard to immigration.

I always find it an odd question, I understand people are curious but it’s very personal.

I’m English (I have Middle Eastern and Spanish heritage) but I have an odd accent (it’s an autism thing) and supposedly I look like I’m from somewhere else so I have been asked where I’m from countless times, I remember being very confused in primary school when I was first asked!

I’ve even had people push back as me and not believe me when I’ve explained I was born here and my family are English! It’s horrible as it makes you feel like you are an outsider and you need to explain yourself, I would never dream of asking someone where they are from as I find it intrusive and quite aggressive sometimes.

I think asking where someone’s accent is from is less intrusive, my DH is not English and some people struggle to recognise his accent so he gets asked this, it opens up a different conversation as obviously they are curious where he is from but it’s not directly asking, he can explain oh I came to the UK from so and so country when I was this age etc. It just feels less like an accusation.

People that ask different questions of white people and non white people - racist.

People that ask the same questions of white people and non white people - also racist.

You couldn't make this shit up.

Thanks for this. When I'm speaking with someone who has a born and bred London or British accent I ask where their folks are from. It has always brought a positive response but I never know if they're really irritated inside.

Because people keep saying they want to place accents and want to know people's heritage. Why- do you question white people about their heritage or need to know where their ancestors are from?

Where are you originally from?

Where is your family from?

What is your heritage?

I couldn't care less about political correctness and find being direct is better at finding things out.

I absolutely get it if the question is hectoring “no but where are you really from” etc, but in a standard chat situation I think there is a lot of over the top being offended yet again. It feels like someone is always offended by something!

I prefer "have you always lived here?"

I don't know what to answer when people say where are you from
Do you mean where was I born, where I lived, where I live now....

I think asking where someone’s accent is from is less intrusive,

No it just makes you feel like what you're saying isn't important or interesting when you realise that the other person was just listening to your accent and trying to work out where you're from.

It reduces you to your nationality.

@rickyrickygrimes I think in an international school you are pretty safe with "where are you from" then- isn't this a default topic of conversation? It would be at my workplace (also more international people than British)

@rickyrickygrimes You can't see why 'host' country isn't the correct word for everyone you meet who you think might not be of White British heritage?

What if they're a second or third generation immigrant and were born in the UK?

What if they've lived here for 20 years?

What if they're a refugee and don't have another home?

They're not being 'hosted' - they're not 'guests' - they have the right to live here, it is their home, as much as it is anyone else who was born here.

'Host country' is perhaps the right term for someone who has moved here short term, or is here on a working/ student visa.. But you are talking about contexts in which you've just met someone and don't know that.

@mangochutneyjar because that is chat. Very often there is nothing that people like more than talking about themselves. Not everyone of course and in that case we don’t need to carry on chatting. but it’s just a way of finding common ground

It’s also none of your business. Why do you have to point out I have an accent? Guess what? I know 🙄 I do find it offensive, the people who ask usually met me 2 mins before or don’t know me (like randomly asked at a toddler group).

maybe you misunderstood but I am not a native Brit, I grew up in a different country and came here when I was 21.

It’s neither racist or not racist to consider if a question you are asking anyone might not be welcome, but even after hopefully reading some posts on this thread, you obviously won’t do this. You really couldn’t make this shit up.

At my very international workplace it is considered a micro aggression to ask where someone is really from or comment on their accent.

Asking where someone is “really from”
is a very different question and is much more aggressive.

Good god no. I will continue to be interested in the people I meet. I'll ask about where they are from, what jobs they do or did, what their plans are for the rest of the summer, indeed a whole host of completely normal questions for humans who choose to interact with other humans.

Otherwise what is the point of leaving the house?

As a white person I have never ever been asked ‘tell me about your heritage’. And as a white person I would never ask that of a POC.

They are all versions of ‘how did you as a POC come to be here in this country / town / organisation’

’where did you grow up / where did you go to uni’ are the only questions I can think of that get asked of all people with equal currency.

I’m not sure I buy the whole “I’m just genuinely curious” line because I’m white and I’ve literally never been asked where I’m from even though I have a strong northern accent and now live down south.

I’ve also never asked the question when making small talk with strangers, especially at places like toddler groups, we talk about the kids, the weather, work, potential schools, other toddler groups, our partners, what’s on tv … just normal stuff. Most people will offer the information when they are ready (or never if they just don’t want to) and I think it’s rude to assume people want to give out personal information like that under the guise of “small talk”.

I work with a lot of foreign students and colleagues.
I usually ask 'where's home' or similar. I love hearing about their lives back home and the differences in our profession from country to country. They seem to love talking about their home countries, I think a lot of them get homesick. Many of the students are white, from USA or Canada, many are south east Asian. I don't see why it's deemed racist to ask someone where they're from, especially as I say many are white skinned, I'm just genuinely interested.
I also have to occasionally ask clients where they are from if their English is poor because we have a lot of multilingual staff and its just easier if we have someone who speaks the same language.

I imagine quite a few people wish you wouldn’t. But I understand completely, you’ll just carry on not giving a shit if just maybe, some if your questions
may not be welcome. You’ve made it perfectly clear you are too stupid to even consider the possibility you might not be right, even when people of colour who are asked this question all the fucking time have said here, they would rather people didn’t.

What's your heritage?

My husband has been asked many times in many forms and we were very impressed with this one.

I'm black and cba with explaining my heritage to people I've just met. It's tedious. If we've been in the same space for a few hours at a function/gathering/in same group of friends then fine but if we're total strangers who have known each other for all of 5 mins? No.

@HaveYouSeenRain but "where are you really from" is a rude thing to say, as is commenting on someone's accent or appearance.

That is very different from asking where someone is from either as small talk, or as an organic part of conversation (because the are going to see grandparents in the holidays for example)