What is the best way to ask ‘where are you from?’

[rickyrickygrimes]

Just that really. I’m interested in people, their stories, their histories. but when I meet new people I’m aware that asking them ‘where are you from?’ , especially if they are of a different ethnicity to the ‘host’ population, could be taken as hostile / impolite. Mostly I wait for them to volunteer the information. Sometimes I ask ‘are you from (big city where I live)?’ Or even ‘how did you end up here?’ (I work with a lot of people of different nationalities from all over) which softens the question a bit.

is there a polite way to ask about where people come from?

I don't find it rude if anyone asks me that question. I'm very open about why I chose to leave London to live in God's own county (Yorkshire).

It’s not really a conversation opener if the person you are talking to hasn’t volunteered to fill your time with their personal history though is it? It’s either a question and answer or them having to share when they didn’t necessarily want to. While it may be interesting to you to dabble about in their history it isn’t news for them so all they will “get out of it” is your reaction to it. Added to that it may not be information they want out there and may become stereotyping. For example if the question “where do you come from” gets the answer “Israel” at the moment or “Chernobyl” or more locally “Rotherham”, not only are you likely to get a flurry of further questions that may upset but you also get known as the woman from wherever.

I have multiple countries in my background and I have grown weary of questions like this. It’s a reminder that I stand out, my accent often draws unwanted small talk, and complete strangers will say insulting things to me about my countries.

I know that not everyone is like this and I wasn’t always annoyed by the questions. A lifetime of insults and othering while I’m trying to go about my day has changed my outlook.

Yes but you are a native Brit, I am not. I have a UK passport, lived here 20 years, have British DH and DC, pay taxes and work but it’s not enough- some people still have to point out the accent and make me different. Sorry but it’s tiring and I can’t stand it.

worst is people trying to guess my background/accent, my life and background is not some fun guessing game. And mostly it’s people I just met/don’t know at all.

I have a foreign surname and find it fascinating that my husband's ancestors came to England from another country. I love knowing about people's roots but know this interest can be mis-read as hostility.

It's a tricky one!

This makes logical sense but my white husband never gets asked it, even though he has a northern accent in London. He's very "patriotic" about his Northern town and would be delighted to talk about it but never gets asked.

I'm brown, speaking Queen's English but I get asked it a lot.

So, people aren't logical when they ask the question.

I think it's fine to ask 'where are you from?', but then rude to follow up with 'no, but where are you really from if you don't like the answer. I'm mixed black and white, born in the UK with a solid southern generic accent. I always answer with the town I was born in. If I get the really follow up, I used to babble through the whole history, but now I ask -'oh you're asking me why I'm not white?'.

I agree- "have you always lived in xyz" is the best approach.

Please dont ask about accents or how did you end up here etc, it's just completely unnecessary and could be interpreted as rude. There are plenty of ways to open up conversations without grilling people about their country or origin or assuming they arent from the town to start with when they may well have been born there

Wait until you’re friends and then it will undoubtedly come up in conversation? 🙂 not sure why you’d need or want to know where a stranger is from.

Just ask if they live locally, that usually sparks a conversation.

worst is people trying to guess my background/accent, my life and background is not some fun guessing game. And mostly it’s people I just met/don’t know at all

Exactly. My husband is Iranian and he gets people doing "guess his country of origin"- they always guess Greece or Turkey or Italy. Then he has to clarify its Iran and then people start stuttering/spluttering trying to think of some familiar/positive thing they can name that is Iranian. It's just so awkward/cringey all round.

Get to know people and be genuinely interested in them, that info will come out in time from them and then you can chat about it.

I have been asked this exact question many times. I tell people, “I’m X,” and they say, “Really? You don’t look it, where is that accent from?” It’s because I’m first generation and I am born and bred in this country but how I look maybe strikes something in people who ask, that I am different-looking. It may be my sensitivity but I was brought up not to be proud of where my parents are from. To keep it hidden and not admit it ever while growing up. I understand that is my problem to deal with, but the questioning, non-acceptance and continued guessing (people try to guess where I am from if my first answer is not good enough for them). It is a bit much and sometimes I feel privately upset. This is my identity. It’s very personal.

My ethnicity is different to my nationality.

Maybe better to keep it more neutral like you say, “Have you always lived in town?”

I agree. There's so much that's more interesting about a person, imo.

For example if you meet them new at work, where did they used to work? What got them into teaching/nursing/whatever? What were they up to on the weekend? What's their academic background (if applicable)?

I think people's choices (of activity, career, etc) are more interesting than their background, which was out of their control.

I mean, I'd have preferred not to be mixed race with an absent dad whose nationality I grew up with, with no links to his culture. It wasn't my choice, and I'd rather not talk about it.

But I did choose to do xyz unusual degree and then become a teacher and I don't mind chatting about that.

My very mild mannered bi-racial son gets really pissed off with people asking where he’s from. He doesn’t ask white people the same question, so just stop.
His answer is always the same - Watford.

But surely if you know yourself your accent is from the European city where you grew up you just say that?

I’m white British but with a noticeable accent not from the area I live and I get asked similar, I just say ‘I grew up in X’ - if you didn’t grow up in Cambridge then that’s what they mean, it’s not offensive to notice someone’s accent isn’t local.

If I continued to say, ‘I’m from Manchester’ when I clearly have a North East accent people would rightly be confused, it’s no different if your accent is from elsewhere.

I’m white British but due to being a force’s child I have a ‘nowhere’ accent. I now live in Yorkshire and get asked semi-frequently where I’m from (as I clearly wasn’t born local). Sometimes I get a bit fed up of explaining! I also have a non-English surname as DH isn’t from the UK, so I think people get doubly confused!

i don’t ask people where they are from. At best it’s being nosy and at worse it implies you think that they don’t belong, or aren’t really ‘like you’ and thus have to explain themselves. I think if a person is not white, or has a clearly not traditional British name, they must get very very fed up of explaining all the time. It’s not on them to justify themselves as to why they are here and where they come from.

remember - it might be the first time you have asked them, but it’s definitely not the first time they have been asked!

Tell me about your heritage and I’m trying to place your accent are potentially really intrusive.

I hate this one, it's almost worse than 'where are you from?' as it draws attention to the thing that marks you out as 'different'. Basically it's 'you're not from round here are you, outsider?'

I moved as a teenager and my accent was often highlighted used against me by some of the other kids and occasionally by a teacher.

OP don't ask, it's not your business and you risk offending them. Maybe talk about where you're from, and perhaps they'll share their own information.

I really really like this. My bi-racial son always answers with the town he was born in but I shall be passing on your second reply. He really confuses people because he speaks really nicely and as soon as he opens his mouth I can see the confusion.

I agree with this. It can be really tedious and intrusive to be constantly asked about your background.

From NI & recently been asked, well, interrogated more like, as to ‘how I ended up here’

swear to god I thought I was about to be asked to recite the alphabet next which hasn’t happened since school 😂

question after question to narrow down to the very street where I lived 😳

it made me incredibly uncomfortable and as I am currently being stalked, I have been left with a great deal of residual anxiety from it too

I felt ambushed and I was so intimidated my body and brain froze before I could get away or find a phrase that would make her stop

OP perhaps start with an honest ‘I’m really nosy and like to hear about people’s lives’

that leaves room for a laugh and conversation from those who can and want to chat about themselves

or an opening for an equally honest ‘I’m really private so no thanks’

maybe with an added ‘but feel free to tell me about your life’ if they are also nosy 😂

people can have lots of reasons not to want to talk about their lives prior to ending up face to face with you and perhaps respecting that is a more important thing to learn than the perfect way to question them

To provide a counter view - I am very obviously mixed race and would absolutely hate being probed about my “heritage”.

OP, if someone volunteers the information great. If not, don’t go digging. You don’t have to know everything.

'How did you end up here?' is horrible! That's even worse than 'Where are you from?' I can't believe you would ask someone how they 'ended up' here, it makes it sound like you think everyone is a refugee.

Your idea about being the 'host' population is also strange, seems like you make an assumption that someone is your 'guest' just because they appear to be of a different ethnicity to you?

If you really want to understand better, I'd recommend doing a bit of reading - "Why I'm No Longer Talking To White People About Race" is a good starting point.

To answer your question, from a personal perspective I generally don't ask anything around people's ethnicity or heritage - I just wait for them to volunteer the information. I might ask them where they currently live (which part of the city they're in, etc), which can lead to them talking more about their background, if they want to, but I never press for that.

It's simply not something I need to know unless they want to share it (and often people do share anyway after talking to them for a little while).

People ask people this all the time.

All over the world.

I got asked it yesterday. I'm going to a meet up this afternoon and will be asked it several more times. I'll ask it. Then when we state where we are from someone else will chip in 'Ooh do you know [insert place]' and the conversation will grow.

That's what normal people who go out and talk to other normal people, that are not from your town/village do.

In one instance I sat next to a lady whose garden I could see out of my front window. So we became friends. That's what happens when you have a completely normal, unstilted conversation with people.

It is completely normal.

As a medic I often ask colleagues " where did you train?" or "did you train London too?". TBH I am as likely to ask that of white colleagues as anyone else. I do sometimes ask junior drs if they have a second language to help them understand speech development.