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Original poster

Friend cut me off because of my dd.

203 replies

Friendsnomore91 · 21/07/2024 13:24

Been friends for four years, since our DDs were 3. Her dd is autistic and very sensitive, mine is very loud and excitable and as girls do they would bicker which resulted in her dd crying but were best friends.

about 6 months ago I noticed her distancing herself from me. Play dates became no more, she slowly stopped responding to my messages etc. I felt something was amiss but she would just say she was busy. I asked her again last week and she finally opened up and said that she felt the friendship between our DDs was not healthy. The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head. I’m beyond hurt, I know my dd can be ott at times but nothing out of the ordinary. She feels I don’t discipline my dd and she couldn’t put her daughter through it anymore. I asked her why she couldn’t talk to me about it, and she said something along the lines of anything she could have said would have come across as her attacking my dd, and that as I have been present for my DDs behaviour, I obviously knew there was a problem and chose to ignore it. Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back. I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.

what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 21/07/2024 13:26

I really hope this is a reverse. My DSs aren’t sensitive but I would be backing away rapidly from a four year old who pushed a friend if their DM thought that was normal.

Meowzabubz · 21/07/2024 13:27

You seem to be making a lot of excuses. Your daughter is 7/8, not 4. She should know better than to push other children hard enough that they fall and hit their head. She should have enough empathy not to be actively and consistantly mean.

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 21/07/2024 13:28

What would I do?

well I would listen to what she was telling me.

your daughter doesn’t sound very nice and I wouldn’t arrange playtimes either. It’s not normal for kids to fall out all the time, it’s usually children who are just left to get on with it and aren’t taught social skills that are the mean ones.

are you one of those parents that say “it’s kids being kids?”

GreatSave · 21/07/2024 13:29

my daughter can be mean

And what is your response when this happens? The answer might tell you why your friend has backed away.

NetflixAndKill · 21/07/2024 13:29

Yeah my kid wouldn’t be playing with yours either. You need to parent and because you haven’t, you’ve lost a friend.

Quitelikeit · 21/07/2024 13:30

Your daughter being repeatedly mean or physical is not normal.

I’ve had a similar situation and my kid just kept asking me not to invite him round and kept telling me to say no to all invites round there.

You can busy yourself being offended or you can talk to your child about their behaviour.

You say other children are like your daughter but honestly they will also get frozen out if they act this way.

Hoppinggreen · 21/07/2024 13:30

I think you should take off the rose tinted spectacles about your daughters behaviour.
You could see how she treated this other girl so it should come as no suprise that her Mum is unhappy about it.
Apologise and hope you can save your friendship and try to teach your daughter to treat her friends better

thistimelastweek · 21/07/2024 13:30

I can see your friend's point of view.
I would expect a parent to get involved if their child was pushing and shoving (especially by the age of 7).
The fact that you witnessed the behaviour and did nothing seems odd.

neilyoungismyhero · 21/07/2024 13:31

To be honest it sounds like she has done the sensible thing with regard to her daughter. Rightly or not she feels you don't control or discipline your child in a proper manner leading to her less hyper child suffering the consequences.
You say your child's behaviour is similar to her peer group but you have said she can be OTT, loud and argumentative and mean..not sure I'd want my child around her too much either if I'm honest.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 21/07/2024 13:31

Sorry I don't want to pile on but I agree she's done the right thing. Her dd is not enjoying the friendship so she's withdrawn from it. You don't like the reason but that doesn't make her wrong.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/07/2024 13:32

She did the right thing backing away, because there is honestly no good way to say "Your child is the problem here". She was probably hoping to dodge you until your daughter gets through her shoving stage, in the hope the friendship could be picked up again then.

Now she has had to tell you, and you are very much framing it as "Well other children don't have a problem with my child's behaviour. It is just your too-quiet over-sensitive child that doesn't love it". That is why she didn't want to have the conversation - she knew exactly how you would react.

Oyuo · 21/07/2024 13:32

I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.
that’s why she didn’t tell you because you’ve jumped to “evil”

your daughter shouldn’t be pushing her over, it doesn’t sound like you did much about it and when she explained to you, rather than thinking I will try and parent better you’ve jumped to complaining about her making you feel like your daughter is evil. Like a pp I assume this is a reverse

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 21/07/2024 13:32

nothing out of the ordinary

Your daughter is by your own admission "mean" and pushed hers over so she hit her head.

You need to think again that this is "ordinary"

coastingcoffee · 21/07/2024 13:32

From experience I have distanced my DD from girls like yours unfortunately. The 'mean girl' persona should not be normalised. My DD is a nice girl who just wants to play and have no drama. I would rather that than her be friends with girls who bicker, fight and push- childhoods are meant to be fun!

IggyAce · 21/07/2024 13:33

I think you need to seriously look at your daughters behaviour and address it at age 7 pushing another child hard enough they fall and hit their head is serious and needed consequences. Minimising her behaviour is doing her no favours and she is in real danger of becoming a mean girl/bully as she gets older.
I really don’t blame your friend for taking steps to protect her daughter the girls have outgrown each other, move on. If you want the friendship to continue you would have to meet her one on one.

GreatDarkWing · 21/07/2024 13:37

Your daughter sounds awful!

Seatofthepantsstuff · 21/07/2024 13:38

Op sorry you are upset but if you are not listening and fully accepting what your friend said now; why would it have made a difference if she had told you earlier?

WeNeedBees · 21/07/2024 13:38

Firstly your friend hasn’t cut you off because of your DD, she had cut you off because of YOUR lack of parenting. You allow your daughter to behave appallingly and do nothing about it.

Secondly no wonder she didn’t tell you when you jump straight to the defensive amateur dramatics - my daughter is evil - rather than think gosh, yea she has a point time to sort DD out.

Ereyraa · 21/07/2024 13:39

I’ve cut off an ex-friend for the same reason.

Parent your child.

LegendInMyOwnLunchtime · 21/07/2024 13:40

To take this at face value… rather than it surely being an reverse?

Age 6 or 7, your Dd pushed hers, made her hit her head?

As you are currently writing off your DD’s behaviour as normal your ex friend was right in thinking talking to you was a waste of time.

I have a Dc with a physical disability and smartly ditched the friend who defended her thug Ds as ‘boisterous, whose Dad thought a great game was to brace his stomach muscles for his 7 yo Ds to punch, and both parents laughed as the boy routinely rolled up his book bag to each other kids. My ex friend was hurt and offended and later said the remaining group of parents were ‘cliquey’ and my Dc was ‘bullying’ hers due to not wanting to play.

I felt sorry for the boy. He was being set up to fail.

Ss is your Dd.

rainbowstardrops · 21/07/2024 13:40

Really? I think you need to properly parent your child. I wouldn't want anything to do with you or your child either.

Singleandproud · 21/07/2024 13:40

Just because the other little girls bicker and fight back doesn't make that the norm. Her daughter's autism is actually nothing to do with this particular issue, it's not ok for your child to be pushing or bickering with anyone.

The other mum was right to distance herself and you have reacted how she expected. Its tough being the parent of a child with a disability and it's easier to remove yourself from unnecessary drama. If you want to continue being friends then you need to address your child's behaviour at the point it happens or only see each other without the children. And yes, if your girls are to be friends you (your daughter and you), need to learn a little about autism and adjust your behaviours accordingly, so playing quieter, non physical games to be more inclusive. If neither of you are up for that then it's time to move on as the friendship is over.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 21/07/2024 13:42

If you are genuinely upset, please listen to all the brilliant advice so far in this thread and don't come back posting defensively about your DD (as some people can when they don't like what they're hearing).

It's not normal for all kids to 'bicker', especially not with others whom they consider friends, and certainly not when that means injuries are inflicted.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 21/07/2024 13:42

I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.

Your second sentence is why she didn’t approach you. You’ve over reacted jumping to the evil conclusion. Many would have been more upset with the bad mum aspect of the conversation.

As for what to do- leave your friend alone and reflect on your daughter’s behaviour and your reaction to when she misbehaves. Your dd is obviously not a robot who will always behave well but it’s hard to judge if your friend has a point or not.

You say that the other girl doesn’t bicker or fight back so your dd bickering or saying things is going to look even worse than if the other girl was bickering and fighting back.(I hope that fight back means argue rather than physical because your dd should have outgrown physical) Do you think that the girls even like each other or are they forced to spend time together because the adults are friends? I understand why the other mum has decided to protect her dd from yours. It’s not really a friendship if one child is crying lots and the other takes advantage of the quiet girl and is loud and argumentative. (I obviously don’t know your dd but this is the impression that your post gives)

NewName24 · 21/07/2024 13:42

I agree with everyone else.
I would look at my dd's behaviour and the way I wasn't parenting her.

At 2 yrs old, yes, children often do push and hit - they are learning, but your dd must be 7 now ? Yet you are dismissing the fact she pushed this other child so hard she fell and hurt herself.