Friend cut me off because of my dd.

[Friendsnomore91]

Been friends for four years, since our DDs were 3. Her dd is autistic and very sensitive, mine is very loud and excitable and as girls do they would bicker which resulted in her dd crying but were best friends.

about 6 months ago I noticed her distancing herself from me. Play dates became no more, she slowly stopped responding to my messages etc. I felt something was amiss but she would just say she was busy. I asked her again last week and she finally opened up and said that she felt the friendship between our DDs was not healthy. The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head. I’m beyond hurt, I know my dd can be ott at times but nothing out of the ordinary. She feels I don’t discipline my dd and she couldn’t put her daughter through it anymore. I asked her why she couldn’t talk to me about it, and she said something along the lines of anything she could have said would have come across as her attacking my dd, and that as I have been present for my DDs behaviour, I obviously knew there was a problem and chose to ignore it. Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back. I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.

what would you do in this situation?

Honestly, my kids have some boisterous friends but even I would be keeping my children away from yours if she'd pushed them and they'd hit their heads.
Maybe learn how to discipline your child.

For some reason when I was reading your Op, I thought your DD was 3, and even then I thought it was bad, but to see she's 7 and doing this, is really awful! My kids would never have pushed anyone over at any age, let alone at 7 years old. What is the punishment when she does this? Not popular on MN, but she 'd get a smacked bottom from me.

I see the other Mums point and I would feel exactly the same
Her DD is sensitive and authentic
At 7, your DD is becoming a bully which you turn a blind eye to
Your daughter needs discipline and boundaries.

I have been in a similar situation but I was the friend that backed away.
My Ds is in no way sensitive but her Ds would annoy mine with constant screaming, taking my DSs toys, pushing etc so I slowly backed away. I know I made the right decision when my Ds was punched in the face when we crossed paths by chance.
My "friends" lack of parenting directly affected my Ds so that was the end of the friendship. Parent your kid.

I did a similar thing in a similar situation - and when my son and his friend were around that age too. The other child's Mum was lovely, but was a very 'hands off' parent, even when her son was doing the most horrible things to mine - excluding him, putting him down in front of others, and just being obnoxious.

Eventually I had to say enough was enough and chose to be on my son's side. I told his Mum why, but she just didn't see it.

Funnily enough, I wasn't the only one, and his friends dried up as he got older and the other children could choose who they'd rather spend time with.

Agree with pp. your daughter is bullying her friend and you are blaming the victim as ‘too sensitive’ rather than recognizing your daughter’s anti-social behaviour.

Use this as a learning moment.

Not all kids that age fight and bicker. We’ve just had 2 kids over to play our DC (similar ages) for 4 hours and all 4 of them played beautifully.

We’ve had the opposite and distanced ourselves from a 6 yo kid in DS’s class that behaves appallingly. Aggressive, loud, disrespectful, tried to steal Hot Wheels cars when he was leaving. I was more shocked though by the dad’s behaviour at pick up. Incapable and passive. Never again. The child is a nightmare at birthday parties too. We were pleased when they mixed the class and he’s in the other class next term.

You’re no doubt hurt, upset and embarrassed, but hopefully learn from this and try to instil better behaviours in your DD.

The autism is irrelevant.

Your daughter can't go around behaving like that just because the other person doesn't fight back. It's called bullying. Best to learn this painfully now than as an adult - parent her.

The other parent has behaved extremely well and parented well.

OP, what did you do when your daughter pushed your friend's daughter over?

You seem to feel that this is somehow your friend's daughter's fault for not fighting and bickering back when your daughter fights and bickers. Why? Wouldn't it be better if your daughter learnt to resolve disagreements without being aggressive?

You say you wish she had just come to you when she felt there was an issue, but look at your reaction when she told you about it - you just don't seem to accept that there is one. If you want to repair this, think about the way your daughter is behaving and what you are going to do to improve it, go back to your friend and apologise and make it clear that your daughter now knows that any repetition of her aggression around friend is totally unacceptable and will bring serious consequences.

OP: "my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back"

This is your problem right here. You think that it's normal to "fight" and "bicker".

I think there is a really important lesson for you here @Friendsnomore91 and you need to take it on the chin.

You are normalising your daughter's behaviour and while you continue to do so you will continue to find that other children won't want to play with her either.

I'm raising boys but if they so much as lifted a finger to another child then there would be consequences. It's not normal and it's not acceptable to be mean and physical and then this type of behaviour is validated by your acceptance then nothing will change.

Use this harsh lesson to parent your child and show her that actions have consequences. I'd also explain to her why her long-term friend no longer wishes to see her.

Christ, if you don’t step in and start parenting your child at this stage, she’s going to be a complete nightmare as a teen and you haven’t got a hope of reining her in by then.

However, going by your initial post and lack of response, I suspect you will be blaming the school when it all gets out of hand and she’s facing criminal charges for assault.

As a mum to older kids, I’ve seen this happen far too often.

You've had lots of replies, so I'll be echoing some.

I think she's done the right thing, absolutely. I think you would have done the same eventually if the shoe were on the other foot.

My Mum had to cut off her best friend too when I was a teenager because of her daughter's personality and behaviour. I'm 40 now and both my Mum and I still miss "Anne" (Mum's BF), but her daughter, "Lisa" still lives with her and there can be no relationship with Anne without a relationship with Lisa and she was (and still is, from the rants she posts on instagram) a very messed up individual, pathological liar and deeply unpleasant, dangerous person to be around. Her Mum was (and most likely still is) a ray of sunshine and we loved her. To cut a long story short, I was being put at risk, my Mum's best friend was being put at risk and it was all just too complex to stay friends. And how do you say, "we love you, but can't stand your daughter and can't bear to spend a second longer in her presence." ? You can't! So that was the end, sadly, after a horrifying incident in which she admitted to doing something that would place me in direct harm.

Obviously it's not as extreme in this case with you, but she does feel her daughter is getting harmed, you aren't effectively intervening to keep her dd safe from your child so she's having to protect her the best she can.

I'd suggest offering to meet without the girls. Or working harder at discipline with your daughter...it seems you are being too passive. Ultimately the status quo is not working for your friend and her child and you have to respect that.

I did the same as your friend any normal parent would

Your friend was right to distance herself from you.

From your post, it seems as if you're pinning the blame on the bullied child-i.e., she's so sensitive, quiet and timid rather than on your daughter who is mean, aggressive and a bully.

This really isn't normal behaviour and it's not normal or good for a parent to ignore this behaviour and pass it off as normal. Left unchecked, your DD is going to grow up into a bully. And you can say all you want about how your DD's friend group are exactly the same-but the saying, "Birds of a feather, flock together," likely applies here. Your DD has simply found other bullies to surround herself with. Maybe you might want to look at that.

She cut you off without explanation because she knew how you would react to being told the truth about your precious angel's behaviour and your utter lack of parenting-and wanted to avoid it. The fact that you jumped to her implying that your child is evil-says it all and proves why she avoided telling you. She knew it would get her nowhere. You would just get defensive and you have done.

I just think you've got rose-tinted glasses on where it comes to your DD so when she misbehaves and acts in a way that most people see as bullying and aggressive-you see it as energetic and boisterous. You need to get real on that or this situation will crop up again and again.

Can't believe you don't discipline your kid. Time out. Apology to victim. Loss of toy or privilege. Every single time. My son is much younger and this would have serious consequences.

I did the same when my friends dd tried to push mine down their stairs (she failed)
This my witnesses by ds.
Where is op?
Maybe didn't get the answers she thought?

100% this.

Why would any parent subject their child to another child that hurts them? If you were trying to address it I would give you some time. Your ex friend is a good parent and was kind to you by being honest. The fact she had to spell it out speaks volumes.

Your parenting skills are frankly lacking. The problem is not your daughter. The problem is your entitled view of the world and how you then react to it.

That is the reason so many young adults have a difficulty coping with life and work.

I cut someone off as her kids used to push mine around and when they got upset about it she told mine they were babies and needed to toughen up. End of friendship.

OP sounds a bit basic.
Her child is already displaying antisocial behaviour and will likely end up with ASBOs.

It’s all just a bit low rent.

It's a landslide op if you don't get the child in order ASAP other people like the friend you've lost will suffer and deem her a misfit that's embarrassing

I ended a friendship when said friend treated her child like The New Messiah and never, ever, reprimanded his behaviour towards my DC (or any of his other shocking behaviours for that matter).

I put up with it for too long but enough was enough and to this day she can’t see that her child does any wrong - learn from this and teach your child how to behave around other children, otherwise this won’t be the first friendship that you both lose.

OP, is your daughter also ND and you think your friend should “be kind” as a fellow mum of a child with ASD?

Because if not, I really cannot fathom why you think she or her daughter would want to put up with your little horror assaulting her. This is NOT normal behaviour amongst 7-8 year olds - DS is that age and nobody in his class hits (including the children with ASD). You need to get a grip of this, or your DD will have no friends when she is older.

This has to be a reverse.

You sound awful. Your DD not much better.

Your dd is 7 now? She should know better than to push a friend over-who then hit her head? I’d want to protect my child too. What did you do about that incident?