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Original poster

Friend cut me off because of my dd.

203 replies

Friendsnomore91 · 21/07/2024 13:24

Been friends for four years, since our DDs were 3. Her dd is autistic and very sensitive, mine is very loud and excitable and as girls do they would bicker which resulted in her dd crying but were best friends.

about 6 months ago I noticed her distancing herself from me. Play dates became no more, she slowly stopped responding to my messages etc. I felt something was amiss but she would just say she was busy. I asked her again last week and she finally opened up and said that she felt the friendship between our DDs was not healthy. The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head. I’m beyond hurt, I know my dd can be ott at times but nothing out of the ordinary. She feels I don’t discipline my dd and she couldn’t put her daughter through it anymore. I asked her why she couldn’t talk to me about it, and she said something along the lines of anything she could have said would have come across as her attacking my dd, and that as I have been present for my DDs behaviour, I obviously knew there was a problem and chose to ignore it. Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back. I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.

what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 21/07/2024 14:16

Nobody should put up with their child being hurt by another child on a playdate when the behaviour isn't addressed by the other child's parent. You owe it to your child to address their behaviour or that will be the first of many playdates she will miss out on.

Yousaidwhatagain · 21/07/2024 14:16

This must be a reverse surely? No one can post this about their own child without any realisation how awful this child is and you should be ashamed posting about her in such a casual tone!!

BileBeansSara · 21/07/2024 14:17

Her response was normal and unless she said that your DD is evil, that's one hell of a stretch.

Your DD sounds like she is forcing other kids to defend themselves too. Can you not see that this is poor behaviour from her OP?

AlpiniPraline · 21/07/2024 14:17

I totally agree with her. Your dd must have been at least 6 when she pushed the other dd and she fell and hit her head. That's much too old to be doing that. You're trying to normalise her being mean too. My dds are 17 and 19 and there are loads of girls they've grown up with who aren't mean and never have been as their parents have brought them up to be kind to others. Same with boys.

Likesomemorecash · 21/07/2024 14:18

Your friend was accurate in her perception that if she told you why she was distancing herself, you could interpret it as an attack on your dd.

What I would do is respect my friend's boundaries and try to teach my 4 year old to play without pushing.

sugarplum33 · 21/07/2024 14:18

How was your daughter managing to fight and bicker with someone who wasn't fighting or bickering back? Sounds more like she was just picking on/bullying the other girl.

leeverarch · 21/07/2024 14:18

Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean

Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won't fight/bicker back.

Of course she won't. She can't - she is autistic. You cannot expect a child with autism to cope with playground bickering and meanness. I think you need to apologise, and you also need to have words with your dd about how to behave.

newleafontheplantjohn · 21/07/2024 14:18

What exactly do you think this mother has done wrong?

Your daughter fights and bickers with hers. Her daughter is quiet and does not fight and bicker back. Your daughter pushed her. You think this is normal and did nothing.

Does this sound fun for the other little girl?

Or course the mum pulled back from the friendship.

As for why didn't she raise it with you, well, as she says, you are there, you see the behaviour and don't think there's an issue with it. So what can she do?

Either way, she has now raised it with you.
And, as she suspected, you don't see a problem with how your daughter behaves.

So what resolution can there be? Other than what the mum has done, and draw back from the friendship.

I don't think there's anything to be done here. The mum has behaved appropriately.

CoffeeCatsAndVodka · 21/07/2024 14:19

Oh dear, it's not normal for a 7 year old girl to push her autistic best friend over and make her cry! I can't believe you think it is! Your attitude is why your friend has taken this stance. Please help your daughter to realise that what she is doing is not right. She is being a bully and will end up with no friends if you don't help her to deal with her feelings in a better way now.

StaunchMomma · 21/07/2024 14:19

Sorry but your DD knows her child well enough to know she won't fight back. She's being a bully.

What's normal as a parent is to step in every time you see your child being aggressive and giving them a telling off, not standing back and allowing it. By saying nothing you are giving DD the impression that it's OK to do that. It's not.

Girls that age may bicker, but they certainly don't push or fight. It's not 'normal' for a girl that age to be physically aggressive with others, especially if they know that child to be timid.

You owe your friend an apology and your DD a word about her behaviour, IMO.

coupdetonnerre · 21/07/2024 14:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

BowlOfNoodles · 21/07/2024 14:21

Op the mother watched her daughter being bullied how upsetting? Why on earth would she subject herself and her daughter to that ever again? To give you pleasure? Nah.

Viviennemary · 21/07/2024 14:22

This is not that uncommon a problem. Your friend is right to refuse play dates until your DD's behaviour improves. However, I don't see why the two of you shouldn't remain friends. But you need to work at improving your DD's behaviour. Keep in touch with your friend by phone and perhaps arrange to meet up without your DDs.

samanthablues · 21/07/2024 14:22

I would not jump to conclusions. I would try to talk with other mums whose children have interacted with your daughter and gather more intel, find out if this is a pattern. Have a talk with your child and ask her about her friendship with autistic girl see what you can find out. Gather all the info you need from different sources before deciding your daughter has a problem.

gleefulstar · 21/07/2024 14:22

Sorry to say OP but this is entirely on you.

Discipline your child or you'll soon find nobody at all wants to be friends with her. You're not doing her any favours.

It's your actual job to teach her how to behave.

Tel12 · 21/07/2024 14:23

What did you do when your DD pushed her over? Shoving someone who you know is not going to push back is bullying. I would take this very seriously if you want to avoid much worse in a few years time.

Dery · 21/07/2024 14:23

@Friendsnomore91

This with bells on:

Theothername · Today 14:14
But now she has told you and you’re responding exactly as she had predicted; you were present for the behaviour and see nothing wrong with it.

She hasn’t distanced herself because of your dd, but because of your parenting. And your dd has lost a friend because you’re not helping her to learn how to manage her high spirits in relationships. You’re doing her no favours.”

You are doing your DD no favours at all by normalising mean behaviour. It’s just lazy parenting. I ended a budding friendship with a fellow mother because of the very rough behaviour of her DC with my DC which was not dealt with. Your DD needs boundaries. She does not need you normalising her mean behaviour. She needs you guiding her away from it. You need to parent her.

And as @Tel12 says - this problem will get much worse if you don’t address it now.

Teateaandmoretea · 21/07/2024 14:24

Jeez this ‘girls are mean bollocks’. They are mean because they are encouraged to be by adults who think it makes them ‘players’ and part of the ‘in crowd’.

You need to sort it OP - in the end girls like your daughter get on the wrong side of some different ‘mean girls’ and they get bullied.

lazysummerdayz · 21/07/2024 14:24

I have a child the same age....she doesn't go around pushing other children ....you seem to have justified it to yourself that's it's just what kids that age do....no it's not. Your child sounds like a brattish bully and you are enabling her

BowlOfNoodles · 21/07/2024 14:24

Tel12 · 21/07/2024 14:23

What did you do when your DD pushed her over? Shoving someone who you know is not going to push back is bullying. I would take this very seriously if you want to avoid much worse in a few years time.

Great question what did she do about it? I think she said children will be children lol

EllenLRipley · 21/07/2024 14:26

My DD never fought or bickered! I told her she'd have no friends if she did.
What would I do? Massively apologise and tell her she's given me a wake up call and thank her then leave her alone!

LookItsMeAgain · 21/07/2024 14:26

Meowzabubz · 21/07/2024 13:27

You seem to be making a lot of excuses. Your daughter is 7/8, not 4. She should know better than to push other children hard enough that they fall and hit their head. She should have enough empathy not to be actively and consistantly mean.

Based on the information in your opening post @Friendsnomore91, I am going with @Meowzabubz here.

Your daughter is either 7 or 8 or even 8 going on 9 almost as you've been friends since your kids were 3 (but you don't indicate which end of being 3 your kid was at).
At that age, they should know not to push or shove another child that the other child loses their balance, falls over and hits their head. That's quite a push for all of that to happen.
You were around throughout the kids growing up so I'd be wondering why you didn't correct your daughter when you could see her being rough with this other kid. Actually why didn't you? If you could sense your friend withdrawing, why didn't you behave a bit more proactively towards your daughter's behaviour, even if it was only around this particular child?

Gowlett · 21/07/2024 14:27

Her DD is autistic. So, it’s not the same as with other kids.

coupdetonnerre · 21/07/2024 14:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CautiousLurker · 21/07/2024 14:27

Interesting that you start your post with ‘Her dd is autistic and very sensitive’ as though a) it’s relevant and b) it will obviously negate any poor behaviour from your DD. Being ASD doesn’t make you sensitive, per se, although it can explain issues in socialising with others. In this case the issue is your child. No 7yo should be shoving another child hard enough that they fall and hurt their head and, as I am admittedly inferring, for her to do so without immediate consequences and a profuse apology to the other child. I removed my children from playdates/restaurants if their behaviour was poor (admittedly only once per child, which seemed to be enough… despite both being ASD/ADHD).

I think you need to accept that this friendship is broken, but listen to what you are being told. This friend is walking away from a 3year friendship because of your DDs behaviour - and your failure to step up. We’ve all got friends with kids who have gone through ‘wild’ phases, (or have had our kids go through that phase too) but we stick by each other because they/we are embarrassed, apologetic, and we are able to mutually support in helping them manage and change those behaviours (and their parenting strategies). I’d look upon this as a gift, as you are being told there is a possible issue and now you can act to remedy it before it impacts other friendships - yours or your DDs.

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