Friend cut me off because of my dd.

[Friendsnomore91]

Been friends for four years, since our DDs were 3. Her dd is autistic and very sensitive, mine is very loud and excitable and as girls do they would bicker which resulted in her dd crying but were best friends.

about 6 months ago I noticed her distancing herself from me. Play dates became no more, she slowly stopped responding to my messages etc. I felt something was amiss but she would just say she was busy. I asked her again last week and she finally opened up and said that she felt the friendship between our DDs was not healthy. The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head. I’m beyond hurt, I know my dd can be ott at times but nothing out of the ordinary. She feels I don’t discipline my dd and she couldn’t put her daughter through it anymore. I asked her why she couldn’t talk to me about it, and she said something along the lines of anything she could have said would have come across as her attacking my dd, and that as I have been present for my DDs behaviour, I obviously knew there was a problem and chose to ignore it. Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back. I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.

what would you do in this situation?

OP is asking for advice on what to do. Many of these posts are not offering advice just telling her her daughter is a bully etc. It's not exactly helpful is it?

@Friendsnomore91 So your DD is becoming a bully or behaving inappropriately. What can you do? I would think firstly a firm chat with her about what is and isn't acceptable. Play needs to be tailored to who she plays with. Some kids enjoy rough play, some don't. She needs to learn when it is OK and when not. She will need to know what bad behaviour looks like and what consequences there are, and she will need to be heavily supervised for a while. You'll need to call her out when she goes wrong (she inevitably will at first) and there will be an agreed consequence for not responding to you immediately. Maybe is she grabs a toy she gives it back but if she does it again she will not get it for the rest of the day etc. Show her good behaviour, use reward charts, talk to her about how other children behave and why it's better. Catch her being good and praise her so it's not all negative. Some children need a very tough hand, others naturally follow social rules without much intervention, and it sounds like she is the former, so you as a parent need to adapt to her needs. This new approach will take time and need her father on board too.

In the interim I think contact the friend and see if you can meet for a coffee or drink without the girls. You don't need to grovel, just say you have concerns about DDs behaviour and you are working on it. If she is a decent person (and it sounds like she is) she will accept this.

Were you one of the mean girls at school and that's why you think this is 'normal'?

It's not.

Help your DD to sort out her behaviour before she loses more friends

I would apologise immediately, for myself and my DD.

You have completely ignored the hints your friend has given, when she has tried to protect her child by seeing less of yours. You have failed to address your DD's behaviour when she has been mean to the other girl. You claim your friend's DD cries because she is sensitive, she cries because your DD is a bully! If you don't want people to dislike your DD, help her to be more likable. Some of her friends may be boisterous like her and that's fine but if you want her to spend time with your friend's DD she will need to behave differently.

Your friend may give you both another chance if you can convince her that you are taking this seriously. Otherwise, maybe you can socialise without the children?

I have a 7 year old twin girls. They do not push, fight, or do mean things. They occasionally bicker of course, but we nip it in the bud. They have never pushed each other over or hit each other, past the age of about two.

Recently we did a sleepover for their birthday. We had eight 6/7 year olds staying at our house for about 20 hours. I didn’t see one incident of meanness, pushing, fighting. The worst behaviour was just a bit of over excitement and a lot of noise.

The behaviour you describe sounds very very far from normal.

It wouldn't happen because I wouldn't let my child push and bicker with a sensitive child who finds conflict/loudness stressful.

I wonder if your daughter takes after you and you're not very sensitive to other people's feelings/think they should just fight things out between them. Children sometimes need boundaries and discipline and roughhousing with a sensitive child is one occasion where that is necessary. How else will your daughter learn how to behave with people who are more sensitive than her?

One day a really assertive parent will tell your daughter off and I'm guessing you won't like that very much.

Your friend was actually right.

You would have seen it as an attack on your daughter.

I think your ex friend has done the right thing.

Just to add. As parents we are all prone to look upon our children with rose tinted spectacles. I’ve tried really hard to temper that maternal bias (and unconditional love) by being aware that it is my job to help shape my kids into functioning and loveable members of society so that when I am no longer here to support them, they will have an army of other people to love them and help them be their best selves. It doesn’t serve them to ignore bad behaviours or hope they will grow out of it. Sometimes we have to engage in a bit of tough parenting too.

I'm surprised at how casually you brush your daughter off as being 'mean'. I'd be really upset if I ever thought my DC was being mean and I wouldn't tolerate it at all.

‘I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil’

She hasn’t ‘made’ you feel anything, nor has she implied any such thing about your DD, you’ve done that yourself.

All she’s done is pointed out that your parenting styles are incompatible and you’ve failed on multiple occasions to intervene when your daughter’s behaviour has caused her child distress - even though you’ve literally been sitting there watching it happen. And that she felt unable to talk to you about it because of how you might react.

The fact you’re on here making statements like the one above suggests her instincts were spot on.

I misread your OP and was about to say that at 3, pushing can be normal but you still need respond to this with boundary expectations and talking to your child. But that a 3 year who is doing this constantly isn’t normal.

Then I reread your OP and realised they are 7!! This is not normal or acceptable at this age! I’m a teacher and we would be having parents in to talk about this if it were happening at school. I’m not surprised your friend has backed off.

I'm curious - what do you do when you see your daughter being mean, bickering and pushing over the other little girl? How do you respond?

My brother's little boy used to be the same with my daughter. He would pinch her, digging his fingers in, try to bite her through her clothes and hang around her neck. I would remove my daughter from the situation whilst my brother tried to reprimand him. My SIL's idea was to tell him to say sorry. She wouldn't tell him off for what he'd just done. The child was getting mixed signals from his parents and ultimately carried on with the behaviour. On one occasion, I told my brother I really wasn't happy with how his wife just let it happen. His response was to blame my child. We no longer speak.

It just so happened that one day a child bit my nephew at nursery, leaving teeth marks on his arm. His parents hit the roof! I'm sorry that my nephew was hurt, but it just went to show that when he was on the receiving end of unkind behaviour, they didn't like it yet we were just supposed to put up with it.

Blimey. Do you have contact with her now?

How awful that must have been for you.

Advice for OP - apologise to your friend for not intervening and telling your DD off. Tell them that you will watch your DD more closely from now on and punish her when she bullies the other girl.

You could also talk to your DD about not being mean to other girls and help her work on her behaviour/attitude, while you adjust yours at the same time, to realise that it is not OK to be mean to other kids.

Your daughter isn't evil, but while you condone her behaviour then she is never going to realise that its not nice to be mean.

This is surely a reverse.

Your friend has behaved totally appropriately.

I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.

She didn't say anything initially because she was trying to avoid saying anything negative about your DD. You can't have it both ways.

In this situation I would accept the friendship between the DC wasn't healthy. If you still want to be friends with this women then you should meet up without your DC.

Sure.

I fucking hate reverses. They just waste time.

This. Take the opportunity that this has presented, to have a real honest look at how your Daughter is behaving around her peers, and your reactions around that behaviour.

what would you do in this situation?

Take some fucking responsibility for a start.

If an adult pushed someone and they knocked their head on the pavement, they could end up with a murder or manslaughter charge.
She's right to put her kids safety first.
Your child needs to stop pushing people over!

Yeah she has definitely done the right thing for her daughter and probably should have done it sooner.
She’s also right that you know there is a problem with your daughter and chose to ignore it.

" Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back. I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off."

Thing is OP, your friend isn't wrong is she? She's told you what the issue is/was and you've come on here complaining about how it's her DD's fault for not fighting back, and expecting sympathy for being "made to feel" as if your DD is "evil". No acknowledgement at all from you that your DD's behaviour is a genuine problem.

The issue is that your DD has exhibited some fairly unpleasant behaviour and understandably your friend has decided to assert a boundary to protect her own DD. Maybe the other girls who "fight back" are fine with your DD's behaviour, but your friend's DD isn't. Also, the fact that she's autistic - you've not given that any consideration at all, and thought about the fact that your DD is being very unpleasant to another little girl who might not be equipped with sufficient social skills to defend herself. There's a word for children like that - bullies.

Rather than going on the defensive, you need to take a long and honest look at your DD's behaviour, and your parenting. It might be too late to rescue the friendship but your DD needs to learn, for her own good, that it's not acceptable to push others around and pick fights, even if others are capable of fighting back. One day she'll pick a fight with someone who's bigger/stronger/more aggressive than she is, and she might really regret it.

Why are you trying to excuse her behaviour? Why haven't you stepped in before now? You asked what you should do - and the answer is to nip this in the bud now, and teach your DD how to behave.

What would I do? I would stop minimising my child’s behaviour and take a long hard look at my parenting.

This is your wake up call. You daughter is not very nice to her friends. You need to do something about it and stop making excuses for her.

Your ex-friend has, quite correctly, advocated for her child. She’s politely and clearly stated the issues.

Children need guidance on how to behave. I suggest you step up and provide that guidance in a constructive and supportive way. If you’re not sure how to do that, try speaking to your daughter’s school about organisations which can help. Good luck, you have lots of time to turn her around and it may help you out as well.

1st post called it.

Reverse.

Hopefully you have the answers you are looking for OP.

I've cut right back on contact with friends because of their children's behaviour in the past and the parents lack of discipline too. It's just not worth the hassle. If you are there when your DD does these things and you choose to ignore or minimise it for an easy life, then what on earth is the point of expecting your friend to raise it with you? If you felt action was warranted to stop your DD being mean or heavy handed then you should already be dealing with it as it happens, not waiting to have it pointed out to you by someone else.

It's awkward and uncomfortable to have to confront someone for their child's poor behaviour, or their wishy washy response to it. People only do it as a last resort when they feel they have no choice, or if they've snapped after severe provocation. Then the friendship is soured anyway. It's easier to just back off gradually and let the playdates fizzle out, maybe just see you alone without the DC.