Friend cut me off because of my dd.

[Friendsnomore91]

Been friends for four years, since our DDs were 3. Her dd is autistic and very sensitive, mine is very loud and excitable and as girls do they would bicker which resulted in her dd crying but were best friends.

about 6 months ago I noticed her distancing herself from me. Play dates became no more, she slowly stopped responding to my messages etc. I felt something was amiss but she would just say she was busy. I asked her again last week and she finally opened up and said that she felt the friendship between our DDs was not healthy. The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head. I’m beyond hurt, I know my dd can be ott at times but nothing out of the ordinary. She feels I don’t discipline my dd and she couldn’t put her daughter through it anymore. I asked her why she couldn’t talk to me about it, and she said something along the lines of anything she could have said would have come across as her attacking my dd, and that as I have been present for my DDs behaviour, I obviously knew there was a problem and chose to ignore it. Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back. I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.

what would you do in this situation?

This. I would also remove some contact from a friend who allowed their 7 year old to repeatedly dominate to the extent that she pushed another child over so hard that they banged their head. Your daughter is not evil but she needs your help to regulate herself. Blaming it on the other child’s autism/ timidity is horrible. Why should she have to fight back? 🙄

By that age she should know not to push or shove. It is not acceptable and as her parent you should be telling her this which you clearly are not doing.

I would listen to what your fried has said and learn some important lessons from it.

If this isn't a reverse ...

She's right. She's protecting her child.

What you should do is look at yourself and the way you're teaching your daughter.

My DCs don't bicker and fight with other children (just each other!) and when they tell me about another kid who has pushed them or started an argument I tell them that they don't have to play with that kid any more. I tell them that kid will find out the hard way how to behave. I've even distanced myself from family who raise feral kids because I never expect my kids to put up with physical and verbal abuse from peers. You're the problem.

I’m sorry but I don’t think it remotely normal for a 7/8 year old to be pushing and being mean. My 3 year old knows we don’t hit or push and if her 3 year old friends were pushing hitting or being mean to her causing her to become upset I wouldn’t really want her having play dates with them either. For god sake even my 1.5 year old is given a stern NO and removed immediately if he pushes. You need to have a look at your daughter’s behaviour.

I've had to be that friend, it's horrible.

Perfectly nice woman, we got on very well. She had little control over "rough and tumble" child who repeatedlty made my child cry or hide. I wish I could have seen more of her away from the children but it wasn't possible. Unfortunately I had to let the friendship fade. I still miss her company though.

Assuming this is a reverse, congratulations on making the choice to protect your child.

Im with your friend on this one. She is protecting her child from another who causes her harm. I’d actually feel critical of her if she just continued allowing these ‘play dates’ .

The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head. I’m beyond hurt, I know my dd can be ott at times but nothing out of the ordinary.

This is out of the ordinary for a 7/8 year old girl.

She feels I don’t discipline my dd and she couldn’t put her daughter through it anymore. I asked her why she couldn’t talk to me about it, and she said something along the lines of anything she could have said would have come across as her attacking my dd, and that as I have been present for my DDs behaviour, I obviously knew there was a problem and chose to ignore it.

She's clearly right, as here you are defending your daughter as 'nothing out of the ordinary' behaviour-wise. Not too mention...

Her dd is so sensitive,

The mantra of the bully defenders, 'you're being too sensitive', 'you're over-reacting', 'it was a joke', 'she didn't mean it'

Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back.

Why should she? Why can't she just choose friends who don't treat her like crap? That's what healthy people do.

Sounds like you've had plenty of opportunities to discipline and deal with your daughter's behaviour, OP, yet failed to take it seriously or do so. A bit 'OTT' isn't what this is; she's HURTING someone you think is her friend, and you seem to think that's ok. It's not. You need to get on top of this.

Obvious reverse

It sounds like your dd has some behaviour issues that are not being addressed. I'd focus on that first now

If seems that your friend was right when she said 'anything she could have said would have come across as her attacking my dd', because now that she had explained, that's exactly how you've taken it. What else could she have done. She tried to distance herself a bit and eventually told you because you pushed her to. In order to explain the issue, she had to say what she did.

It sounds like you did ignore your daughters behaviour when you should have dealt with it. I don't think it's normal behaviour for children to be mean, it is common in kids who aren't pulled up for it if they do act that way. You're excusing you're daughters behaviour bu dating her child is too sensitive and other girls are nasty too.

I feel really sorry for your friend,

I’ve been your friend. It’s a really awful situation to be in. My kids simply put their foot down and refused.to go to their house/ see them anymore. They were fed up of being hit and hurt.

I suspect your friend’s daughter has had similar conversations.

Nor me. You know your friend’s dd is quiet and sensitive yet you think it fine for your dd to push her around and be quite frankly overbearing?
I am completely on your friend’s side, I would be calling a halt to meeting up.
You appear to condone your DD’s bullying and injuring another child.

This was perfectly put together op this is the nail on the head 👏

7 is old enough to know not to push other children and she was correct in her assumptions that you wouldn't take it seriously so YABU.

Your daughter absolutely should not be pushing someone (so they fall over and bang head)!

I think your friend has dealt with a horrible
situation in the best possible way she could. I think you need to reply with an apology for not realizing sooner, and thanks for how carefully she’s obviously tried to navigate this. You may be able to salvage your friendship, and potentially the childrens down the line, if you really take on board what you’ve been told, and accept it with - if not grace- then at least an open mind.

also- your friend hasn’t suggested your daughter is evil. That’s you projecting. That’s your fear, I suspect. And no- of course she isn’t evil- she’s a little girl. But she also needs parenting differently to how you’ve done so far. Maybe find a parenting course to see if you can get some support?

I expect this thread will have to be removed for privacy reasons 😂

Losing friends is hard- I’m sorry you’re going through that.
I’ve been in the position of your friend and rather than losing the friendship entirely I now just see my friend without the kids in the evening for drinks and dinner.

Similarly, my children were physically intimidated by one of my friends DS’s and it wasn’t appropriate to expose them to it- also similarly there was inadequate parenting going on so we decided to not see them as a family again as a result. we steer clear of discussing behaviour and parenting as it’s something we’re clearly very misaligned on.

Kids only physically fight if they’re not stopped. Bickering from time to time, yes. My 16 yo dd has never physically fought with another child.

The only time I am aware of a physical altercation between 2 of dd’s friends was between 2 girls aged about 11 when one of them (A), also dd’s bestie at the time, repeatedly said horrible things about another girl (B) out of jealousy as my dd had recently befriended B. Another girl (C). who was the best friends with B shouted at her and in response A physically lashed out at C. That evening B created a large group video call of about 10 kids including C and called A to get her to explain why she disliked her when they’d never spoken. My dd tried to get them not to call and didn’t participate but listened in and videoed the whole call to show me the next day.

The whole episode terminated the friendship between dd and A. Instead of learning something from the episode, A’s mum blamed my dd for the whole episode and bad mouthed my dd and me around the village. As I say, dd tried to stop the call. And I later found out she could never have stopped the call as B’s mum was aware of the call and listening in.

Be careful what you wish for op. If your dd is not being taught to engender kindness and support for her friends, this could be your dd next. At some stage kids take situations into their own hands… or the parents. I spoke to B’s mum to ask her dd to back off from A (which is when I discovered she ok’d the call). B’s mum couldn’t see this was cyber bullying in the same way as you don’t seem to be able to see your dd’s behaviour for what it is.

Your friend is not unreasonable. I would do the same. It sounds like you accept your daughter’s bad behaviour. Why should she let her child suffer?

Start managing your daughter's behaviour then you will find you don't have these problems.

She doesn't think your daughter is evil, she thinks you are a wet parent. So what if her daughter is sensitive? It's your job as a parent to teach your child to respect others, including sensitive people. Teach your child not to push, shove and bicker with other kids otherwise she is not going to have an easy time growing up.

Your friend made a sensible decision. I've had 7/8 year olds and pushing others and being mean is not common.

Slightly reeling from the juxtaposition of an adult woman explaining her child can caused another child to fall and hit her head then in the next breath say she the adult “was so hurt”!