Friend cut me off because of my dd.

[Friendsnomore91]

Been friends for four years, since our DDs were 3. Her dd is autistic and very sensitive, mine is very loud and excitable and as girls do they would bicker which resulted in her dd crying but were best friends.

about 6 months ago I noticed her distancing herself from me. Play dates became no more, she slowly stopped responding to my messages etc. I felt something was amiss but she would just say she was busy. I asked her again last week and she finally opened up and said that she felt the friendship between our DDs was not healthy. The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head. I’m beyond hurt, I know my dd can be ott at times but nothing out of the ordinary. She feels I don’t discipline my dd and she couldn’t put her daughter through it anymore. I asked her why she couldn’t talk to me about it, and she said something along the lines of anything she could have said would have come across as her attacking my dd, and that as I have been present for my DDs behaviour, I obviously knew there was a problem and chose to ignore it. Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back. I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.

what would you do in this situation?

Your little darling is a bully. I wouldn’t want to put my child in harm’s way either, and if that meant cutting you off as you don’t do anything to manage your own child’s behaviour, then so be it.

Your daughter is a bully.

You say this other child never bickers back, argues or fights, so it’s not as though your daughter is defending herself. She is just attacking this other child, completely unprovoked. This is bullying. Stop making excuses for her and deal with her horrible behaviour, or it will only get worse.

Pushing and shoving is normal behaviour for a 2-3 year old, not a 7 year old. I wouldn’t want my children to play with your daughter either.

When dd was 4 she shoved a child at soft play. I told her that if that ever happened again we'd go straight home. She did it again and was hauled out over my shoulder. It never happened again. You have to deal with this stuff. It's not ok to let your child hurt others.

See her without the children they are not friends there is no compatibility. Your friend is protecting her child from a forced friendship.

You also need to rein your dd in she isn't managing herself very well.

There is an imbalance of power between her daughter and your daughter, due to her SEND. Whilst it's NEVER ok for one child to repeatedly behave badly to others, it's even less appropriate where there is an imbalance of power.

Your lack of action has caused this. You have allowed it to happen several times. Your daughter has behaved like this on purpose. This is the definition of bullying. Therefore, you have allowed your daughter to bully hers.

I too would distance myself from you.

You are quick to excuse your daughter's behaviour as normal. It isn't. And it isn't ok.

Agree with PPs, this is you not disciplining your kid.

Yes, I would do that as well. Sorry.

The problem isn't that her child is sensitive the problem is your child is bold and by the sounds of it you don't do anything for about it ? Imagine if the roles were reversed and things were that bad and your child that upset that you had to cut a friend off because of it. I would never let a child behave the way yours does.

If your friend had posted her point of view here there would be a resounding amount of comments of distance yourself and keep your daughter away. Your friend is parenting - keeping her daughter safe. Did you do anything when your daughter pushed hers ? What are you doing about your daughter being mean?

I have a “sensitive “ daughter ( makes my blood boil you are trying to put blame on the other child) and I would also distance myself if someone else’s kid was pushing my child resulting in a head knock!!!

Your Dd should not be regularly having these behaviours at this age, certainly not to the point of pushing a child and them hitting their head, but if they do show these behaviours, you should absolutely be intervening and providing appropriate consequences and an explanation as to why it is not okay.

I would do exactly as your friend has done if this is repeated behaviour. She hasn’t ended the friendship because of you ur Dd, but because of your lack of parenting.

"and that as I have been present for my DDs behaviour, I obviously knew there was a problem and chose to ignore it."

Is she correct? Did you ignore it?

Is this a joke. Girls don’t ‘fight And bicker’ and they certainly don’t push other children over at 7 years old. Your daughter sounds a bully!

I'm not surprised the other friend has stepped away. I’d work on her behaviour with her or she’ll soon find all her friends drift away

It sounds like she made the right decision and you’re minimising yours and your daughters behaviour, you need to step up otherwise you’ll be dealing with a shitty behaved teenager where she will have no sense of accountability and you’ll still be blaming everyone else and it’ll be too late.

It's entirely her perogative to keep her child safe, emotionally and physically. It doesn't seem like they have anything to gain from maintaining this friendship.

I'm not really sure there's anything for you to do here except leave her be?

Has to be a reverse. If so, yes, the mother of the rough, can-be-mean child is being thoughtless. It’s a good idea to distance yourself.

"what would you do in this situation?"

I'd deal with my daughter's behaviour.
It's not ok.

I've been the other parent in that situation & my DD is NT. I won't let my DD be treated like that.

Pushing and being mean to a child who cries when it happens is bullying - you say quite a few times that the child is sensitive, as opposed to realising that your child is unkind to others and doesn't stop when realises that the child doesn't like certain behaviours. You sound like you're blaming the other child for their sensitivity rather than seeing reality - so yes - you've lost a friend from it, but most would cut off at that point

Saying all girls her age act mean is not an excuse. I don't know if the friendship can be recovered at this point but try and teach your daughter to be nice to others.

I don’t think it’s very fair to call her child “sensitive” because she was upset when your daughter pushed her and she hurt her head. Most people would be upset by that, regardless of age. You have said yourself that your daughter can be mean. I wouldn’t want my Son to be playing with a child that hurts or upsets him either.

You've put it very well.

I'm with your friend. Why haven't you intervened and managed your DD's behaviour?

I can see why she didn't talk to you about it. If you hadn't already spotted the issue, it shows poor judgment and I wouldn't allow my child to continue to be subjected to mean behaviour.

It seems to me that you've reacted exactly the way she expected you to react, so she's done the right thing not coming to you in the first place. You're making excuses for your daughter's behaviour and your lack of parenting.

Sounds like you do need to step up here op and deal with your dd's behaviour. If it's lost you and your daughter one friend it'll happen again.