Friend cut me off because of my dd.

[Friendsnomore91]

Been friends for four years, since our DDs were 3. Her dd is autistic and very sensitive, mine is very loud and excitable and as girls do they would bicker which resulted in her dd crying but were best friends.

about 6 months ago I noticed her distancing herself from me. Play dates became no more, she slowly stopped responding to my messages etc. I felt something was amiss but she would just say she was busy. I asked her again last week and she finally opened up and said that she felt the friendship between our DDs was not healthy. The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head. I’m beyond hurt, I know my dd can be ott at times but nothing out of the ordinary. She feels I don’t discipline my dd and she couldn’t put her daughter through it anymore. I asked her why she couldn’t talk to me about it, and she said something along the lines of anything she could have said would have come across as her attacking my dd, and that as I have been present for my DDs behaviour, I obviously knew there was a problem and chose to ignore it. Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back. I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.

what would you do in this situation?

DD5 would be marched straight out of a playdate if she pushed any other child deliberately. She doesn’t, because she knows pushing is wrong. I can’t imagine her having forgotten this by age 7/8. Even DD(almost)3 knows not to push.

I teach 8 year olds. I think you need to be looking at your daughter’s behaviour and having words with her.

I suspect this is a reverse, however... If I were you I'd apologise to my friend and have long hard think about why I think it's acceptable to be raising a child who is mean, bickers and pushes other children. And no, "other girls do it" isn't a good enough reason, that's just lazy parenting of the same ilk as "boys will be boys". You should be striving to raise your child to be the best person she can be, not one of a crowd of mean girls.

It's not normal. I have a daughter, I'd tell her to avoid yours like the plague if they were the same age.

It's not too late to start correcting this behaviour now. Or do you want to raise a bully?

If your daughters other friends are also behaving badly, maybe she needs some different, better behaved playmates

Actually, if your 7yo is pushing another child so hard they are falling and banging their head,, you really need to look at your DDs behaviour, and how you react to it. This is beyond being mean, it's actually quite violent.

So your DD knows the other girls is quieter and won't fight back. You allow your DD to bully the other girl intentionally pushing someone over so they hit their head is mean. Friends don't do that to each other. Stop being such a drip and discipline your daughter. As a mum of 2 on the spectrum. I don't blame the other mum for keeping her DD away from yours and you.

You sound like a permissive parent that allows your daughter to behave horribly. I wouldn’t be hanging out with you either.

I'm sorry op but my dd is 7 and loud and excitable. She also knows that it's wrong to push someone.

I have distanced myself from a couple of permissive mother / little shit of
a DC combinations.

Girls do fight and bicker @Friendsnomore91

No they don’t. Not if they have been taught otherwise. No child should be pushing over others by age 7 they should
have been told that was unacceptable years before.

You need to sort out your child’s behaviour now before it gets worse.

YABU for the reverse, we’re not stupid, you can just post normally.

"The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head"

They're 7. What happened exactly? What did you say? Did she apologise?

Seven year olds bicker etc, I agree, but it's a friendship thing when everyone is on the same plate but it shouldn't be encouraged and if you know the person your child is trying to pick arguments with is autistic and quiet, then you're standing by whilst your daughter bullies your friends child.

My dd was (is) a highly sensitive child with ASD, who struggled to cope with normal play situations, let alone being pushed and hurt. I'd have done exactly the same as your friend - probably sooner actually - to protect my dd. I think you need to:

1. Respect her decision, don't try to persuade her to change her mind
2. Deal with your dd's behaviour, otherwise this is just going to get worse
3. If you really value her friendship, you could try, in time, suggesting you meet up without your dd's - although be prepared for her to not want to

The other child is autistic for heaven sake. Apart from that, your child should not be behaving so badly on a regular basis and you should be stepping up. I'm surprised your friend lasted this long. What part of any of this don't you understand?

The thing is OP, even if you are right and your 'loud and excitable' DD who can be 'mean' is not the problem here and her DD needs to be more resilient and less sensitive, so what? How is that going to help the little girl now? I'm sure she will learn some resilience eventually, but she doesn't want to be knocked over and pushed around in the meantime, does she?

She frequently comes off worst in these interactions with your DD and the playdates don't seem to be an enjoyable experience for her or her mum so your friend has decided to pull the plug on it. If you can't bring yourself to accept that your DD is at fault, then at least accept that they just aren't well suited as playmates and move on.

What would I do? Parent my child differently to stop them being a bully.

I really am NOT one to jump to neurodiversity and hate the way that any behavioural issues can be blamed on that, but based on what you have written I wonder whether your daughter might be ND too? What is her development like generally? Have there been any problems at home or at school? It isn’t normal to behave the way that she does at the age of 7 so it sounds as if something more is going on.

I’ve got children with SEN and I’m aware due to my kids needs I treat them with different softer gloves than other people may feel appropriate (and this is even before I knew about their SEN) as I had learnt what worked, what de escalated - and what would blow the situation up altogether.

But, when my child affected another child - it was important that however I chose to handle it I made very clear to 1. My child 2. The affected child’s adult and 3. The other child that my sons behaviour wasn’t acceptable and that I was very sorry for what happened.

it is ALWAYS my responsibility when a child is known to cause harm - to keep my child safe from harm to himself, and others safe from harm by him.

i might get judged about not going home/taking him away too soon. Using cheerful language to distract and move away. Redirecting etc. and someone might judge how I handle it - but there was absolutely no doubting the fact that I handled it and apologised/made him apologise.

you are minimising a lot of behaviour which I understand may be necessary on a day where you have to get stuff done and avoid melt down - but minimise it not to other people, not to yourself, not to people your kid hurts.

Actually I don't even think that autism should be relevant here. Plenty of children who are autistic are actually the ones doing the pushing and the biting and the behaving poorly in social situations and we are always expected to make allowances because they are autistic. But clearly there are also non-autistic children who are the marauding little thugs, just as there are well behaved, slightly sensitive children who may or may not be autistic, but just don't respond well to rough play and being bossed around loudly.

This isn't really about autistic v. NT kids. It's about managing poor behaviour in any child and not just ignoring or indulging it for an easy life.

Your friend made the right decision.

you are raising a monster of a child. Other children should not need to fight back. That you don’t recognize that there are significant problems in the dynamic is the reason your friend had to walk away.

I've been in a very similar situation with my own DD. The other mum was very keen to force a friendship as her DD struggled to make friends, but she was well aware her children were badly behaved bullies and did little about it.

I removed my DD from this situation as I wasn't prepared to have my child in tears or pushed/hit every time we met so I can see why this has happened. This mum won't be the only one who avoids you unless you start parenting her. None of this is your DDs fault, but she will inevitably be the one that suffers without being taught appropriate social skills.

It appears that the OP has gone once she realized that no-one else shared her viewpoint that somehow the quieter child is to blame for being 'too sensitive' to bullying and physical violence and that the OP is not disciplining her DD effectively.

I don't have strong views on parenting 'styles', but I believe that whatever style you choose to use must result in the childs behaviour being appropriate.

Physical violence and being nasty to others at that age is clearly not appropriate, therefore the parent is failing to raise their child appropriately IMO.

But I doubt the OP will ever recognize the error of her ways, but will continue to blame others for her child's aggressive and dominating 'personality'.

I was in your friend’s daughter position and other girls were like your daughter. I was told that the problem was me being overly sensitive. The actual problem was the other girls were awful and regularly turned on each other. Luckily i kept myself out of it.

Me too.

Have you addressed dds behaviour with her? Do you talk to her about ‘being mean’ & how it makes others feel & what did you say when she pushed the other girl?
These aren’t things to take lightly. Of course, kids sometimes fall out & have disagreements, that’s part of social learning but it shouldn’t be a regular thing and a 7 year old shouldn’t be pushing/shoving. She caused the other girl to hit her head, that’s really not ok.

I feel like you are minimising/excusing it by saying the other girl is too sensitive.

I too would back away (like your friend) if I was in that situation & I’d have no problem doing it to protect my kid.

Your daughter pushed hers so hard that her daughter hit her head and YOU'RE "beyond hurt"?! Her daughter is the victim here, not you. What consequences did your daughter face for doing this?

So the op hadn’t been back. Which means that this is either a reverse and the op will plop back in to tell us the truth or the op doesn’t like being told that her child is a bully.