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Original poster

Friend cut me off because of my dd.

203 replies

Friendsnomore91 · 21/07/2024 13:24

Been friends for four years, since our DDs were 3. Her dd is autistic and very sensitive, mine is very loud and excitable and as girls do they would bicker which resulted in her dd crying but were best friends.

about 6 months ago I noticed her distancing herself from me. Play dates became no more, she slowly stopped responding to my messages etc. I felt something was amiss but she would just say she was busy. I asked her again last week and she finally opened up and said that she felt the friendship between our DDs was not healthy. The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head. I’m beyond hurt, I know my dd can be ott at times but nothing out of the ordinary. She feels I don’t discipline my dd and she couldn’t put her daughter through it anymore. I asked her why she couldn’t talk to me about it, and she said something along the lines of anything she could have said would have come across as her attacking my dd, and that as I have been present for my DDs behaviour, I obviously knew there was a problem and chose to ignore it. Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back. I can’t believe the way she has made me feel like my daughter is evil. I wish she had just come to me when she felt there was an issue instead of just cutting me off.

what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
skyeisthelimit · 21/07/2024 13:58

You witnessed the behaviour and didn't do anything, so what was the point in her trying to talk to you about it?

I don't blame her for wanting to protect her daughter from yours. you need to stop making excuses for your daughter and address her behaviour while you can.

lunar1 · 21/07/2024 13:58

I had a friend like this, I reduced and then stopped all contact. She would allow her son to hurt mine, break toys etc. She doesn't have to allow her child to be hurt for your sake.

Namechangeforthis88 · 21/07/2024 13:59

I'm still friends with parents whose children behave badly when I know the parents are doing their best to deal with it. I don't subject my child to the bad behaviour though. I have distanced myself from friends who are in denial about their children's unacceptable behaviour.

PurpleGoose · 21/07/2024 13:59

Speaking as someone who has a 7 year old daughter who's witnessed lots of playdates, no being mean and pushing isn't 'normal'.

My daughter plays with lots of different children and I'd say there's a wide variety of parenting styles, but there's never been these kind of behaviours you describe. Yes there are occasions where one might upset the other because they've expressed something a bit bluntly (as 7 year olds do) or they haven't been able to express their frustration about something and there's some bickering, but not intentional meanness or pushing like you describe. There's also some children she plays with who I'd say are 'precocious' and speak to their parents in a way I would challenge if mine spoke to me like that, but this behaviour doesn't filter into their play with each other.

If my daughter repeatedly experienced the behaviour you describe, in front of their parent and the parent viewed it as normal, then I would also be distancing myself and encouraging other friendships.

changedusernameforthis1 · 21/07/2024 14:02

I'm sorry, but I would apologise to my friend, admit I'm in the wrong and then start looking at how to teach my child to behave better.
I have 3DC and they can all be loud and boisterous but they all know that you don't behave like that to other people.
I'd firmly tell them that's not how we behave, and if they continued then they'd lose privileges - no tv time, no tablet time, and instead spend time with them on learning how to be a nice, kind person, with positive feedback when they do well.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/07/2024 14:03

She finally opened up and said that she felt the friendship between our DDs was not healthy. The final point being a play date where my dd pushed hers and she fell and hit her head

Frankly she sounds very sensible, and I agree with PPs that it's the parenting she probably has an issue with as much as anything else - especially if she's correct that you "ignore" the behaviour

I'd gently suggest getting a grip on this before DD starts running out of friends prepared to play with her, but expect the thread will disappear very soon because of "privacy reasons" or whatever

Ciri · 21/07/2024 14:03

Your dd is badly behaved and not nice to the other child. There are consequences to that. She needs to learn that and you need to teach her. That’s what being a parent is about.

Dolphinnoises · 21/07/2024 14:04

My DD is autistic and her very wise learning support teacher once described DD’s reactions as “the canary in the mine”. By which he meant, the stuff which DD couldn’t cope with was distressing / stressing the other kids too, they just didn’t show it as visibly. Your DD is on a one-way ticket to a lonely life unless you rethink the way you are dealing with this.

OriginalUsername2 · 21/07/2024 14:07

Her dd is so sensitive, my daughter can be mean but I’ve seen her around other girls the same age who behave the same and it isn’t a problem. Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back.

You make it sound like being rough is normal and being sensitive to being pushed over is not normal. I would also back away from you because people who don’t have physical boundaries and have no empathy are uncomfortable to be around.

NewName24 · 21/07/2024 14:07

You witnessed the behaviour and didn't do anything, so what was the point in her trying to talk to you about it?

Exactly

Mrsredlipstick · 21/07/2024 14:08

By ten my sister had broken my arm and at fifteen she broke my nose and little finger. She was a bully then and still is. My mother said it was just kids. She never disciplined her.
Don't leave it too late to stop this behaviour.
You owe your friend a big apology her daughter too.

diddl · 21/07/2024 14:08

Girls do fight and bicker, but friends dd is very quiet and reserved and won’t fight/bicker back.

You make it sound like your friend's daughter's fault!

Honesty-not everyone wants to be friends with girls who fight & bicker!

Perhaps the fighters/bickerers should be taught not to.

No wonder there are so many nasty mums at the school gate!

Daleksatemyshed · 21/07/2024 14:09

Of course she didn't tell you why she'd cut you off Op, because there's no nice way to tell you your DC behaves badly without you being offended (just as you are now). I know you're her DM so it's hard for you to look at your DD without your rose tinted glasses but unless you actually learn something from this this won't be the last friend you and your DC lose.

BowlOfNoodles · 21/07/2024 14:09

Her daughter is extra needs and can't cope with defending herself against your more confident flamboyant daughter she's put her daughter first and moved on.

STFUDonkey · 21/07/2024 14:10

Reverse.

dapsnotplimsolls · 21/07/2024 14:10

What would I do?

Be a better parent.

MouseMama · 21/07/2024 14:11

I think most parents try to seek out play dates that their children enjoy and which boost their confidence. Your friend’s reasons for cutting your DD out are perfectly valid. No reason you and the mum can’t be friends though.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 21/07/2024 14:11

Well she’s right isn’t she ?

You clearly don’t see a problem with your daughter’s behaviour so were never going to address it.

And now rather than address it you are seeking to minimise it and make it your friend and her daughters fault.

Lopine · 21/07/2024 14:12

Your daughter isn’t evil, she just needs proper boundaries from you.

Blendeddogs · 21/07/2024 14:13

DelurkingAJ · 21/07/2024 13:26

I really hope this is a reverse. My DSs aren’t sensitive but I would be backing away rapidly from a four year old who pushed a friend if their DM thought that was normal.

This

I once finished a friendship for similar reasons.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 21/07/2024 14:13

I've much younger kids and I've distanced myself from a friend/acquaintance quite a lot like you - her PFB would take things off my kids, hit, scream, while I (with three kids) was left to manage the situation. Having previously had a falling out with a friend over similar with older DD I'm just saying no to play dates and hope she gets the memo. If you see your kid behaving inappropriately, it's on you to intervene every single time. (And my kids aren't angels, one in particular is challenging - but if I need to physically be a foot behind her at all times, that's my responsibility.)

Balloonhearts · 21/07/2024 14:13

She's cut you off because you refuse to parent or discipline your dd and as a result, her daughter is being bullied. Your dd is turning into a nasty piece of work and you're doing her no favours not nipping it in the bud while she is young.

Headinthesand21 · 21/07/2024 14:13

Sorry, but I would be looking at my parenting.
Being ‘mean’ and pushing other children to the extent that they get hurt is not normal, once they are old enough to understand. If it’s recurrent behavior then you need to address it asap. It’s not OTT, it’s totally unacceptable.
I wouldn’t want my child to have playdates with a child who was hurting them.

Theothername · 21/07/2024 14:14

But now she has told you and you’re responding exactly as she had predicted; you were present for the behaviour and see nothing wrong with it.

She hasn’t distanced herself because of your dd, but because of your parenting. And your dd has lost a friend because you’re not helping her to learn how to manage her high spirits in relationships. You’re doing her no favours.

ZebraD · 21/07/2024 14:15

If she had come to you, then you would have gone on the defence and not acknowledged your daughter’s bad behaviour like this post confirms. Just because other children are also badly behaved doesn’t make it right!
I wouldn’t have my child playing with your daughter if she was being physical either- maybe sort your daughters behaviour out and teach her right from wrong before you start chelping about others being offended by it.