Men staring at my 12.5 year old daughter

[AutismHelp1980]

My daughter is 12.5, she honestly looks 12.5, she’s about 5ft, petite and has started puberty. What I can’t get over she is just walking along with me; totally oblivious to the world but the number of grown men, I’m not talking young men I mean men in their 30s,40s even 50s giving her the once over is making my blood boil.

I know it’s not something I should point out but she’s still a shorts and tshirt, no make up etc child: and they still stare,

What do I do about this? I want to kill the dirty bastards and shout she’s 12 at them.

My DD is 11 and I’ve noticed the same thing, it disgusts me, because all of these men must have paedophile tendencies, how can they check out a child? It’s skin-crawling.

I've got 13 yo identical twins. The staring is awful. I don't think it's helped by the twin factor but there is definite gawping. They seem to be oblivious but they have attracted attention since they were babies.

I try and stare them down if I can.

It's grim. I remember being 13 and in my school uniform and getting wolf whistled. Now my daughter is approaching her pre teen years and I worry about what she will have to deal with.

Problem is, calling out could result in aggression from them. I don't think there's an easy answer.

I’m afraid you have to ignore it, getting into a spat won’t benefit anyone. And another perv will be along straight after, what you going to do, you can’t fight them all.

I had the same, worst I saw was a bloke who eyed my daughter up and then me. Looking both of us up and down. Then his eyes swivelled between us. I wanted to fucking kill him. I really did.

so many pervs walk amongst us. And I recall it happening to me about 14/15, but would have been oblivious before that age , but as a parent I wasn’t oblivious and it horrifies me.

Bore off, nonce sympathiser

"Give her the once over ...." - can you say what you mean by this?

I have 3 adult now DDs and there were times when I was in town with them and they did attract fleeting attention - from both men and women - they were pretty girls who lifted the spirits to see them young and fresh and enjoying life. I did not place any great importance on these glances.

I think that any attempt to publicly shame them would make a very embarrassing scene for your DD, who is no doubt oblivious of what you are observing. And it would achieve nothing. So ..... you can do nothing, except enjoy your trip out with your DD and not allow her to become aware of your feelings.

I once took my 3 DDs to Venice - they were then ages between 16 and 20, and when out with them in the street the attention of the men was totally overt. It was not acceptable; but my DDs learned how to deal with it.

I know - they should not have to deal with it in an ideal world; but this is something that in the future she will have to face and cope with with confidence.

I know how you feel - I just wanted to chop their balls off - but we cannot make a perfect world by challenging them and causing your DD embarrassment - she needs to be confident to go out into the world with her head held high.

Have you recently walked around a busy place with a girl of 12 upwards?

I can only assume not.

OP's experience is absolutely standard. And utterly fucking depressing.

Beware of the self defence classes! My 12 yr sister was given some at school. She was on the tube (heading about 3 stops on very outer Met line, not late) when a man touched her shoulder. As instructed, she stamped hard on his foot and whirled around to knee him in the groin.
It was her friend’s Dad, who worked for London Underground.

This. In spades. Dirty bastards. My own father is one of these men. I remember as child him commenting about how nicely the breasts of the young girl who lived next door were developing. She wasn’t even at high school. Needless to say I don’t have contact with him.

Where did she say that ? No she didn't

I do get what you and other posters are saying with this, but am wondering how much you can shield her. She'll be exposed to similar behaviour when you're not with her, and might be better equipped to deal with it if she's witnessed her mother making a big stink about it. Maybe try to think of a phrasing least likely to provoke a comeback from the vole creatures - pointing out her age might work and could be used by your daughter as well.

I remember this when my DDs were in their early teens, disgusting, and so many of these sleazy fellas were pushing young daughters of their own in buggies.

Used to get a hard stare from me but theres not much you can do unfortunately.
Some men are bloody awful

Its the reality for a lot of young girls. I was approached and grabbed by a white van man promising a lift home, a mechanic asking school friends where I was when I wasn't at the bus stop one day, many of my dads friends who would be ‘playful’ with me, it was the norm.

I do understand where you're coming from here but I still think he was in the wrong to touch your daughter's shoulder from behind.
If he wanted her attention, he could've come around her side to get in her eye-line or perhaps called her name if it wasn't too noisy.
I know he had no ill intentions but perhaps your daughter's reaction will make him think twice about touching women as go about their business in public in future.

Yes, who'd be a woman, a or even a girl/female. It's a fucking trial! I first started to get attention from men at about the age of 13-14 as I started to develop boobs and hips. I was a very slightly chubby teenager with mousy-ish hair and still got men in vans and cars pulling up to the pavement saying 'you all right, gorgeous? Do you want to get in? I'll take you for a drink if you want. I'll take you to the pub.'

They were at least 40 and clearly married. This wasn't like 18 to 25 year old men. This was middle aged and older men. And as I say, almost certainly married. It was absolutely sickening, and I was disgusted by it.

And then as time went on and I got a bit more attractive, lost some weight, and made myself look a little bit nicer. And some days probably every 10th man in the street, would make comments, sometimes compliments, sometimes nasty shit like 'hello, you fucking slag.'

I got one man following me home from the pub once (around 11pm,) when I was about 19 or 20. I walked alone as my friend had abandoned me and I couldn't get a taxi. He kept saying 'who the fuck do you think you are, you fucking slag! You need slamming down on the ground with your face in dog shit, and fucking from behind!' (And other words that I'm not going to post on here as they're too foul and violent.) I was terrified. I ran into a garden and banged on someone's door, and a young couple came to the door. I explained what was going on. The man shot off, and they called the police. I don't think they ever caught him. I was scared to go out alone after dark for several years.

It was literally only when I hit my mid 40s that I stopped getting any attention from men. And to be honest with you, it's a blessing. I'm about three stone overweight and I think I'm going to stay that way if it means that men don't look at me.

My daughter is around 30 now, and she is actually very attractive - blonde with blue eyes, and gorgeous - and she's going through exactly the same as I did and she absolutely hates it. I feel so bad for her. 😢 She dresses herself down as much as she can when she goes out for her normal day to day life, and she still gets men in their 40s and 50s hitting on her. From a distance she could actually pass for mid to late teens, and they still try it on. Men as old as 50-55.

YANBU to be absolutely furious about this @AutismHelp1980 but unfortunately your daughter is going to get this for the next 30 years ... But yeah these men ogling tweens are absolute perverts ... As a pp said, just stare at them and say 'REALLLLLY!' or 'are you fucking kidding me?!'

Why are some men just absolute scumbags? WHY? You would NEVER get women doing this with young lads!

I had this from twelve. I was undeveloped and a total child. I was called over to a van and flashed at. I still feel sick at this.

My mum had never discussed this possibility with me nor any other.

I think you are doing everything right by not drawing more attention to your daughter with confrontation.

However if she notices and mentions it have a reassuring conversation. There is something wrong with some men and it’s not her - it’s them.

There are pervy lowlifes out there and always has been.

Don't look for them but be keenly aware.

“Can I help you? You seem to be staring at my daughter as though you know her.”

When I was growing up it was positively encouraged for teens to look up to older men to date. I remember being on holiday with my folks and them encouraging me to let my hair down because I fancied the waiter, who was about 25.

Pleased to see modern parents are more mindful of the inappropriateness.

F*cking hell. No parent I knew ever encouraged their school age daughter to date 'older men' like 25+. Did you live through the middle ages or something?!

Oh OP, I feel your pain as I noticed this when my DD was of similar age. It’s bloody awful and unnerving and as a mum you’ll be hyper aware. I used to stand in front of her wherever possible to block their view but much beyond that is impossible. As she went through her teens and really began to notice we had discussions that it’s really not ok. What tends to happen now (& she’s 18) is that if we’re together I stare at every perv that is looking at her, I’ve been called out by wives for staring at their husbands but when I say ‘tell him to stop ogling my teenage daughter’ it usually stops.
It’s absolutely horrible and is unfortunately everywhere

It's not ok for younger men to be eying up a child like that either. But it's more obviously completely unacceptable when the man is old enough to be the child's father.

That's awful. As I say, who the fuck would be a woman or girl eh? The shit we have to put up with from SOME men is disgusting, And the older they are, they worse they get. NEVER see women doing this with young teen boys. Calling out of the car or van window, and jeering and commenting. Fucking pigs some men are.