Men staring at my 12.5 year old daughter

[AutismHelp1980]

My daughter is 12.5, she honestly looks 12.5, she’s about 5ft, petite and has started puberty. What I can’t get over she is just walking along with me; totally oblivious to the world but the number of grown men, I’m not talking young men I mean men in their 30s,40s even 50s giving her the once over is making my blood boil.

I know it’s not something I should point out but she’s still a shorts and tshirt, no make up etc child: and they still stare,

What do I do about this? I want to kill the dirty bastards and shout she’s 12 at them.

I’m not talking about teenage boys. I know teenage boys do it.

But old men in public, leering at young kids with no shame. I’m sorry, I don’t see it where I am. If I see it, I can assure you id call it out.

Why lie? Because they want to disprove my point.

Just stop and stare at them, make them uncomfortable.

This was me. Started puberty at age 11. Cat calling and horrible remarks from groups of men. Seriously scared me and put me off men for life.

This is what they do. This is what our daughters endure, just as we had to. When I was 4-5 I was standing on an escalator, holding my mum's hand, when a guy put his hand up my skirt for a feel. I whipped round and he smiled at me. I was too embarrassed to say anything. My mum had no idea.

I have two teenage daughters and this started at age 11 for both of them. I don't know what you can do except discuss coping strategies with them.

It makes me so bloody angry.

That is horrific, I am so sorry this happened to you.

What a vile repugnant monster that creature is who did this to you!

Absolutely disgusting isn't it. Happened to me as a child (from the age of 10 at Youth Club) and is still happening. I remember being with 14 year old niece in Disney of all places and seeing men (not other teenage boys but proper adult men) craning for a look and double taking. Makes me feel a bit sick thinking about it.

I’m in my 60s and from the north of Scotland and remember such behaviour from men in my high school years. Everyone knew the names of the “cool older guys” who spent their lunchtimes driving up and down past the school every day.

When I was 16 and in my first office job, I would catch the bus to work from outside my house. A man (as in 15 years older than me) who lived a few doors down would openly leer and ogle me if he got on the same bus. I was uncomfortable but would say hello seeing as he was a neighbour who had know me since I was 3! He knew exactly how old I was. Once his friend (who was in his 50s and who was another neighbour) got on and sat by me and asked when I was going to let his mate take me out. I felt so awkward and disgusted but also really intimidated. I answered that I had a boyfriend (true). He still lives in the area and continues to be a letch despite having three children including two daughters. Grim.

I remember having a crush on a girl both of us 14..it was a no..she had a boyfriend with a car.
Looking back that's all sorts of wrong.im Ne.Scotland and recognise now the scenario you describe.

It’s not groups of men, I can be walking anywhere. The street, in the shops and I catch older men looking at my daughter. Looking her up and down. I sometimes look back and they are still looking back at her. It drives me insane and makes me so so bloody angry.

I was in charge of some young teenage girls abroad and a dirty perv started zooming in on his phone and taking photos of them in their bikinis

I publicly shamed him
Made the whole poolside aware that he was a nonce
Got the life guard to chuck him out
He's lucky I didn't punch him (I'm martial arts trained)

I don't think we should keep quiet
I see it as my duty to protect girls from these disgusting freaks
I've made both my own daughters very aware of creepy men and tips on how to deal with it)

I feel for you.

Once I was on a bus with my 3, my youngest DD about 14, I happened to catch a bloke watching her get up from behind, eyeing her up and down and smirking 🤬

It filled me with such white hot rage, I was shaking and therefore not very effective in the way I spoke to him but I tried to say "she's a child" while showing the utter contempt I was feeling - he just smirked more and laughed, somehow what I did made it even better for him. Holy fuck I could have ripped him limb from limb at that point.

Such terrible, impotent rage. Such utter disgust and despair at the war men behave.

If anyone looked like that at me when I was young I was utterly oblivious - I probably would have thought it was because I looked ugly or weird (which is how I felt). I was very emotionally and physically immature, and child like well into my teens (and now know that I was neurodiverse) so I can't say I experienced any of this myself, or understood it.

How infuriating and revolting. I experienced similar when I was your DD's age. Old men (in church of all places) scrutinising my body and commenting 'gorgeous, not an ounce of fat on you' and telling me to put my legs away (dressed in loose-fitting shorts on a summer's day) because I made them feel 'sinful'.

My DD is 6 but the size of a 3-year-old due to chronic kidney disease. Her slow growth is a constant source of worry for health reasons yet a part of me feels relieved that this might postpone unwanted attention as she gets older. Then I feel maddeningly conflicted that I'm essentially wishing stunted growth upon my child to protect her from the gaze of perverts.

because I made them feel 'sinful'.

First Rule of Misogyny.

When a woman is walking down the street, say a busy summer street in a city on a hot Friday night and a man shouts out 'Oi love, nice bum / hello gorgeous / wow you are beautiful' etc - simply carry on striding onwards and give a 'hi! thanks!' and get gone. Do not stop, they do not get to pick you up because they chose to. Do not shame them or call them names. Just gratify their comment - because this is the safest thing to do.

Why would you even respond though? I think that's terrible advice. I certainly wouldn't be saying 'thank you' or saying hi as this will be a green light to them and encourage them to do it more to other women/girls. Always just ignore or say f off

Another one who’s lived in central Scotland all my life, happened to me, my sister, all my female friends. Either you are a man so don’t see it or have been living in a Swiss cave.

Just one of many examples come to mind but walking through Stirling in the nineties as a teen with my sister who was 12. Two guys came up and put their arms around our shoulders saying ‘hey babes’ and the like. I shoved them off and said ‘she’s 12!’. To be fair they looked shocked and backed off but she certainly couldn’t have looked more than 16. To some men, women are there for their consumption, nothing more.

"Hmmm" me all you like. I hate to break it to you but you aren't the only person living in central Scotland, and shock horror, some of us might have different experiences to you.

I moved to Scotland aged 7 but not to the central belt until age 11. Left Scotland altogether age 22 but still have plenty of family there (all over, not just centrally).

If you think I'm a troll then report me - which is what MN ask you to do instead of troll hunting.

Just had this again today with my dd we were walking through the shopping centre and we passed a man stood outside a shop smoking aged about 35, he kept staring my dd up and down and followed her with his eyes as she passed staring at her behind, I blocked his view and shouted out a few things at him the dirty pervert
Not that me calling out what he is will make a difference to the next young girl passing..makes me so angry

Good on you 🖤

@Disturbia81 Aww thanks 🙏🏻

Started for me when I was around 11 and kind of screwed me up for a while because I had all this attention from middle aged men but none from boys my age.

I wish I had a good solution. My daughter is 6 and I'm dreading when this starts. I'm not good at keeping my anger about these things to myself.

Same. Lasted from age 11 until I was late 20s. Really screwed with my head about how men are. They can be truly fucking gross.

My daughter's the same age and I've noticed it too. She won't go in our local Premier any more on her own because the guy on the till said "you don't need to pay, you're too pretty" and she didn't know if he was being serious. He nearly sh** himself when I came round the corner and said "she's 12". It's been going on for years. I only ever got catcalled in my school uniform. Thank goodness DD gets the school bus from right outside where there's a camera and doesn't have to deal with "man and van" types shouting things at her. I think these days they're less likely to anyway as most kids carry a phone. We had it worse I reckon as there was no proof or consequences.

This happened to me all the time as a 12 year old. My mum remembers on holiday in Spain - I would have been 11 and we were walking to the beach. I had a dress on and slightly ahead of my parents. She said the amount of men who watched me walk past was horrific. My dad never noticed and she didn’t let on because he’d have ended up in prison.
Once in year 8 my friend and I were walking home from school - in uniform and a guy told us he’d like to ‘rattle us in his van’.
these are only two examples of A LOT of similar stories.
it wasn’t until I was much older I realised how inappropriate this was!

I know what you mean my daughter is 11 years old & grown ass so called men staring at my daughter makes my blood boil I have one creepy neighbour who always stares at her ive called him a dirty peado a few times he still wont stop looking at her dirty nonce he is 😡