Men staring at my 12.5 year old daughter

[AutismHelp1980]

My daughter is 12.5, she honestly looks 12.5, she’s about 5ft, petite and has started puberty. What I can’t get over she is just walking along with me; totally oblivious to the world but the number of grown men, I’m not talking young men I mean men in their 30s,40s even 50s giving her the once over is making my blood boil.

I know it’s not something I should point out but she’s still a shorts and tshirt, no make up etc child: and they still stare,

What do I do about this? I want to kill the dirty bastards and shout she’s 12 at them.

Publicly shame them. It's the only way.

How do I publically shame them? They might say they weren’t looking? I don’t want them swearing at me in front of my kids.

Don't publicly shame them. That will likely upset your daughter and make her paranoid.

I know it's hard, but all you can really do is ignore them.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do, but keep your eyes on her. When you notice she has started to notice this attention just be there for her. It's so fucked up and disgusting and I want to kill them right there with you but you can't control them, you can only be a mother to your daughter

Raised eyebrows and a drawn out “Really?” works for most of these tossers!

Oh this is awful. I worry about my nieces having to deal with this when older. I wish I had some good advice but it’s such a minefield. I understand not wanting to antagonise random creepy men. And also not wanting to do anything that would embarrass DD or cause her distress.

No advice, just sympathy. I don’t know what the answer is.

I still remember being 11 on holiday in Spain and a man in his 50s licking his lips at me and telling me I’d be a ‘gorgeous wife’. My mum just turned us away from him. I only understood the comment years later. It’s a really despairing situation.

Stare them out.

I don't think there's much you can do to be honest.

I would probably give them a filthy look when they catch your eye.

You don't want to make a big deal out of it in front of your Daughter. Unfortunately she will probably have to put up with it for a long time.

I try to stare but they are staring at her, it’s so bloody frustrating it really makes so incredibly angry. I also have a 9 year old DD so I’ll be handling these dirty pervs for the both of them soon. I mean why? Why do they do this?

I noticed this from when my eldest was 12 also. Men spoke to her differently all of a sudden when we were in shops or cafes and it was sometimes a bit creepy. She was about 4'10" until she was in Y8 (now 5'4" aged 18) and looked ten.

I really don’t want to make a big deal out of it in front of my DD.

@ToBeOrNotToBee I do agree with this but its a difficult balance.
I used to get stared at a lot when I was an early adolescent. My mum used to very publicly shame the men who did it every single time. This was a good thing.

But sometimes men would get aggressive. Sometimes they would insult me and her. This wasn't so good.

Her public shaming also drew attention to my body and the attention it was attracting and would continue to attract. This was good in one way because it showed me what the world is like for women who have the audacity to have a body. But in another way it made me self-conscious and I lost a bit of my carefree confidence.

@Limth 12 year old is very carefree it helps she has a 9 year old sister so they’re young together.

I used to hate this when I was younger. I developed curves and I felt so self conscious. Was also very natural looking. Maybe you should just say it.

Just firm and calm.Do you mind not staring at my daughter. She's 12. If it was in a situation where you were stuck like a train.

Otherwise ignore if in public and unlikely they will approach. I think some safety training is important.

We had self defence classes around this age. Something about what to do if a man puts his hand on your knee (bend his finger back I remember being taught). It was helpful although went a bit above my head. Saying that, I have always had a my body my choice mentality so maybe it did stick.

Maybe a conversation with her about cat calls because it will happen sadly when you aren't there.

I wouldn’t cause a scene in front of your DD. Just give them an evil, judgey stare to let them know you’re disgusted with them.

Unfortunately we cannot police creepy old men looking at children.

@ileftmypotatointheovenallnight she’s only first year in Senior school and has a ‘young’ crowd of friends they’re not into fashion or social media. I feel like introducing her to this world is sad but I guess it’s got to be done, especially now as she nips to the shop for us, meets her friends for a coffee etc.

Men are gross.
I recently walked through town at about 9.30pm with my 14 yr old. We'd been to the theatre and were heading for the bus. Big groups of men intimidatingly lusting after her as I pulled her closer to me, stared at the pavement and scurried us towards the bus stop with my hand in my pocket on my phone in case I needed it. Comments. Whoops. Grins and gestures. Enjoying that they were making me uncomfortable. Fucking disgusting animals.

Gosh @CookingApron im so sorry to hear this , there has to be something that can be done.

For my younger DD it was even worse as she is so tall and slender but with a bust. At 15 she's not as fazed but I know it made her feel really uncomfortable at 12. I remember being cat called on my way to and from school in my uniform.

And you know what? Most of them were probably "lovely boys" who would be livid if anyone treated their mum or their sister like that. Some will be nasty bastards, but most will just be too thick to make the connection, because why would they have to?

God, I love my teenage son, and I hope I've done a good job with him. I love my husband too, but he's not faultless. Men live within the patriarchy and this is what it allows.

Happened for the first time that I noticed recently. A man old enough to be my own father staring my daughter up and down. I just stared right back at him. I don’t think she noticed, thankfully. Kind of wish I’d stood in front of her and done it.

I may have used the phrase " she's 12 you dirty perve" a few times when this happened to dd. She's always been tall, older looking and well developed.
We had a grown up conversation about how it's not her it's them. She perfected a withering look.
I've found that phrase works better with a group of men when you raise an eyebrow and ask " do any of you have daughters?"
Dd is 17 now, 6ft 1 and a black belt in karate. Still gets the odd look but she's perfected the look and isn't afraid to tell the blokes what she thinks.

Same with my child, the men are also old 35 and over.
I have noticed older women and girls over 18 staring at her as well, giving her filthy looks about her style. I think some people see her as older even though she doesn't try and isn't 18 year old like. Some people are treating my 12 year old as if she is older and of course when it's looks from men it's a hundred times more threatening than women but it saddens me how she is getting objectified and judged so blatantly and it will only get worse. It's so hard having girls!