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Original poster

Dh has just been fired - hand hold pls?

238 replies

Dhisfired · 15/07/2024 19:13

Name changed for this. As the title says, dh has just been fired. It was a long time coming. He has been incredibly stressed at work and has not been coping. He’s been on unpaid leave for a while. Today they had the conversation and mutually agreed he should leave.

We can’t get by on my salary. Looks like dh won’t be able to work for weeks / months while he deals with this stress issue, which I’m worried could turn into serious long term mental health problems. It’s probably already there.

I am terrified. Want to support him but I can’t stop crying. Has anyone else been through similar? Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhisfired · 15/07/2024 19:14

We have no savings (because of the unpaid leave). But we do have some money that grandparents have put aside for our son, which I don’t want to touch but which means we can’t claim any benefits I think.

OP posts:
BusyCM · 15/07/2024 19:16

Cut down on everything you possibly can and claim UC. If your son has savings then that won't affect you.

YouveGotAFastCar · 15/07/2024 19:17

How much money is set aside for your son? Was it legally left to him, or to you?

Lets start with benefits, practicalities will help regulate you so you’ve got space to support him.

Original poster
Dhisfired · 15/07/2024 19:19

The money was put into a joint account in my name and my son’s name. How do I claim UC? i worry that dh is not in a position to look for a job currently. I don’t want to put him under any more stress

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhisfired · 15/07/2024 19:20

Money for my son is a lot. About £25k. But if we spend it we will never be able to pay it back and it’s meant to be for his future

OP posts:
cheerypip · 15/07/2024 19:23

If he has mental health issues which mean he can't work, he may be eligible for new style ESA, which is not means tested but based on NI contributions. (I think the qualifying years for NI contributions would be 2021/22 and 2022/23 so it wouldn't necessarily matter if he has been on unpaid leave for a while). Would need GP sick notes as a starting point and they would then assess. (If it's 'just' stress he may not qualify, but reading between the lines of your post, it sounded like it may be more than that)

Sidebeforeself · 15/07/2024 19:25

You cant start with the mindset of “ I don’t want to touch “ money. I can see why it would be your last resort but you need to make some Plan A/Plan B etc because you don’t know how long this will last.

First thing is getting your DH medical help ( easier said I know but you need to start)
Secondly start applying for any benefits you can - thats the best way to find out what you are entitled to
Do you think your DH could face doing some work ? Even if its temp, p/t mundane…just so he doesn’t fall into worklessness which is so easy to do when stressed.
Work out your finances - cut back on things now before you absolutely have to, including contacting mortgage company. Any debts see if they can be renegotiated.
Will he get decent references? Are they being supportive or just want him to go?

Sorry OP this must be awful.

Sidebeforeself · 15/07/2024 19:26

look at benefits calculators and the gov.uk site . All applications are online now.

YouveGotAFastCar · 15/07/2024 19:28

Is it an inheritance? Was it left in name to your son; or to you both? Have you ever used the account it’s in?

Yeah, £25k if it’s deemed as yours will cancel out any possible claim for UC. It’d be reduced if you had £6k or more; but stops completely at £16k. Whether it was left to him will be crucial.

Has DH seen a doctor?

Growsomeballswoman · 15/07/2024 19:28

Is the money in your sons name. If it is you could try and claim uc

Original poster
Dhisfired · 15/07/2024 19:32

Dh is seeing a private therapist (been on an nhs waiting list for 2 years) is also taking medication via the gp.

i don’t think i can do anything practical tonight but thank you for all the tips. I am writing a list and will explore all the options when I am less scared. I feel very panicky right now.

OP posts:
FusilliGeri · 15/07/2024 19:35

Where did the money come from that is in your son's name? If it's money you have allocated to him from your own income, then no good him having £25000 in savings and the family drowning in debt.

One of my friends did that. Put part of their wages aside for their dc which they could not afford to do and slid deeper and deeper in to debt.

Miley1967 · 15/07/2024 19:36

Depending how much you earn you may not qualify for UC. It will depend on your earnings, how many kids you have, whether you pay rent etc. As another poster mentioned your dh should be able to claim New style ESA which is a contributions based benefit so not means tested so the savings wouldn't matter. If you can claim both then the ESA would be deducted in full from the UC.

Miley1967 · 15/07/2024 19:37

Dhisfired · 15/07/2024 19:14

We have no savings (because of the unpaid leave). But we do have some money that grandparents have put aside for our son, which I don’t want to touch but which means we can’t claim any benefits I think.

Might have been better for grandparents to keep that until they wanted to give it to him. However if in an account in his name it should be able to be disregarded when claiming UC.

Choochoo21 · 15/07/2024 19:38

If you can access the £25k then you have no choice but to use it.

I would make a plan where you only spend a certain amount eg £5k of it and as soon as DH is back working, make a repayment plan to pay it back.

I understand that stress is a big deal but I don’t understand why he can’t get find a job like stacking shelves at night, which isn’t stressful and will actually improve his MH more than just staying at home and not keeping busy.

CLEO42 · 15/07/2024 19:40

It might be too much to think about right now, but was it the job that caused the stress? How much of your husband’s current condition is due to the workplace? Has his company followed all policies relating to the management of stress & ill health?

Have a look on your insurance policies as you might have employment legal assistance and you could get some legal advice on whether there is a case against the company. or you could contact ACAS who may be able to advise.

I’m sorry OP, your situation sucks. FWIW you should use the money put aside for your son to keep afloat in the short term. Good luck x

Sidebeforeself · 15/07/2024 19:50

Your sons future is dependent on him being able to be fed, clothed and homed now, so if you are still short after exhausting some of the suggestions here you will have to use it.

NB I think - I may be wrong - if its simply a joint account the money will be classed as yours too and will cancel out any UC entitlement if over 16K

Original poster
Dhisfired · 15/07/2024 19:57

Ok. Let’s assume we can’t claim UC and we use all of my son’s money. That is going to last about 1 year.

How do I deal with the emotions right now? I want to support dh but I’m also really sad and angry that things got to this point, and that he was still spending money on stupid things like a new phone and air pods last month. I’m angry that our son’s future, which I hoped was secure, is now in jeopardy. I wanted something better for our child.

I know it’s not his fault but he’s in the other room right now watching tv and I can’t bring myself to comfort him or listen to him like he deserves, because I’m so worried. What will this do to our marraige?

OP posts:
LizzieBennett73 · 15/07/2024 20:02

This isn't just your mess to fix. He may be stressed but that doesn't mean he gets the luxury of dumping it all onto your plate to fix. Especially if he's being reckless with money which clearly he is.

I'd be going in there, turning the TV off and asking what happens now.

Blobblobblob · 15/07/2024 20:03

He needs to be crystal clear in his head that any valuable items he has - fancy tech included - need to be sold.

Stacking shelves, driving uber, cleaning, bar work - anything.

He needs to bring in money somehow, quickly.

Pissing your son's money up the wall for the sake of pride would be a real shame, and the reality of the benefits system is that this really is the only alternative.

TheSquareMile · 15/07/2024 20:07

You can do this.

Things will turn a corner.

Could you sit with him this evening and fill in the online application for JSA?

https://www.gov.uk/jobseekers-allowance/apply-new-style-jsa

Greentapemeasure · 15/07/2024 20:08

First things first, your husband should be eligible for Jobseekers Allowance and he should make a claim immediately because if I remember correctly they won’t back-date it. If you’re not sure about what benefits to claim just put in a claim for them anyway and see what comes back.

Secondly make a spreadsheet of all your outgoings and see which you can cut or switch for something cheaper. Can you take a payment holiday on your mortgage?

Thirdly your husband needs to update his CV and agree a reference with his previous employer. If he needs to work then he needs to work, he can make an appointment with his GP about his stress but it’s not going to get any better if he sits around doing nothing and getting in to debt, so can he get a temporary job to keep him ticking over while he decides what to do long term?

smallchange · 15/07/2024 20:14

We went through similar a few years ago.

In some ways I think it was easier for me in that it all happened fairly gradually.

First dh was periodically off sick a day here and there and wasn't paid for these, and I worried about money.

Then he was off longer term and only got stat sick pay, and I worried about money.

Then his sick pay ran out - more worry.

Then he was sacked but got (at the time) contributory jobseekers, so ironically we were better off than we'd been in a while.

Then that ran out and I had to get a second job and dh was a SAHD for a few years and then retrained.

At the beginning of the process I would have said there was no way we could have afforded him to retrain even though he was bloody miserable so I guess that was a lesson on what is actually manageable - life is so much better now in every way.

I had a LOT of feelings, and like you didn't always have space to deal with dh's emotions as well. I got through it by being ruthlessly practical, which I guess gave him the space not to worry about those things so much, but I did feel a lot of resentment at times which I kept to myself.

I would spend the money op, but your dh needs to show some willing too in considering any financial contributions he can make, whether that be selling things he doesn't need, budgeting, even doing tiny things like paid for surveys or considering gig economy jobs for a bit.

It will get better though - this shocking bit when it's all new is often the worst.

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGG · 15/07/2024 20:17

If the money is in your son’s name and YOUR name, meaning you also have access to the money, then no you wouldn’t be able to claim UC as you’re over the saving threshold. If the money is solely in your son’s name or it’s placed in an ISA account then you can