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Original poster

Dh has just been fired - hand hold pls?

238 replies

Dhisfired · 15/07/2024 19:13

Name changed for this. As the title says, dh has just been fired. It was a long time coming. He has been incredibly stressed at work and has not been coping. He’s been on unpaid leave for a while. Today they had the conversation and mutually agreed he should leave.

We can’t get by on my salary. Looks like dh won’t be able to work for weeks / months while he deals with this stress issue, which I’m worried could turn into serious long term mental health problems. It’s probably already there.

I am terrified. Want to support him but I can’t stop crying. Has anyone else been through similar? Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 15/07/2024 21:51

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGG · 15/07/2024 20:17

If the money is in your son’s name and YOUR name, meaning you also have access to the money, then no you wouldn’t be able to claim UC as you’re over the saving threshold. If the money is solely in your son’s name or it’s placed in an ISA account then you can

Can you do this now anyway? Or that money is getting spent.

your dh needs to het any job now. Too stressed to work isnt an option when there are bills to pay. The sooner he is back in work the better. The longer he stays off the harder it will be to go back.

what sort of work does he do?

the fact he was wasting savings is ridiculous.

Bunnycat101 · 15/07/2024 22:00

Re the son’s money what’s done is done. There must have been a reason you chose not to lock it away in his name (could have had a junior isa) and now you have the option to access it. As much as you wanted it for his future, that money could benefit him in the present and buy you some breathing space for your DH to get well enough to work. It is much better to tap in to it and secure your home.

It may be that the stress was very specific to that job and the circumstances of his employment. Having a break to recover seems sensible but then getting back to work in whatever capacity will help as the longer someone is out of work, the harder it is to get back. Even a part time minimum wage role will help finances enormously.

Tv23456 · 15/07/2024 22:04

You need to block his access to money and separate finances if necessary.
He doesn't get to blow money that he doesn't earn.
Sounds like he is leaving things to you to worry about and sort out.
He doesn't have the luxury of sitting on his arse not earning, spending, whilst you carry the entire load and your son.

CuriouslyMinded · 15/07/2024 22:11

Sending you love and strength OP. If your DH is already in therapy and taking medication then he is on a good path to finding equilibrium as he is seeking help. But he has a family to contribute to and a child to help support. If you can, listen to him and hear him out, but I speak from experience when I advise you to be firm about your own boundaries.
That £25k is for your son, not your husband. He needs to get a job, any job, and contribute to the non-negotiable expenses such as bills, mortgage etc. He might think this is beyond him, but it really is not and for his self-worth and self-esteem as much as for your family's immediate financial needs and the good of your marriage, he needs to have a plan to help keep you afloat.

IsitaHatOrACat · 15/07/2024 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Years ago people did have time off for stress. They and their families may have then ended up in the workhouse or them in a lunatic asylum, or at the bottom of a river if they didnt have people to support them.

My DF had to give up work for a while in the mid 1980s to recover from stress but it definitely wasnt talked about then
Mental health crises are not a new thing

Trees6 · 15/07/2024 22:20

I’d be pretty pissed off if I’d set £25k aside for my grandson and it was used to support my son-in-law who’d been sacked and had spaffed savings on fancy tech.

Your husband needs to find any old job for now. Even if it’s 30 hours per week on minimum wage. When he feels stronger, he can review his career options. But he must work to bring in some money meanwhile.

umar123 · 15/07/2024 22:21

What does Dh mean?

Mirabai · 15/07/2024 22:29

Kitkat1523 · 15/07/2024 20:56

Likely too late for all that now…he agreed to leave

Show quote history

He’s been fired so he could have a claim for constructive or unfair dismissal.

The company should have followed due process.

He should have taken legal advice to negotiate a package: it can be possible to agree a financial package + job reference with agreement not take them to tribunal.

But it’s not too late to take legal advice now to ensure that the company treated him fairly and legally.

tissueboxandcandles · 15/07/2024 22:34

I am so sorry this has happened OP. It isn't your fault but your parents were irresponsible to put that money in a joint account.
If anyone else reading this is a grandparent or if you have parents wanting to leave money to your child, fgs make sure they put it in a trust.

Edingril · 15/07/2024 22:37

I would get all the non food things you can now so in a while all you have to worry about is food tilll it is sorted

Miley1967 · 15/07/2024 22:43

tissueboxandcandles · 15/07/2024 22:34

I am so sorry this has happened OP. It isn't your fault but your parents were irresponsible to put that money in a joint account.
If anyone else reading this is a grandparent or if you have parents wanting to leave money to your child, fgs make sure they put it in a trust.

They probably just wanted to shift it asap so it's not taken into account for inheritance tax or to pay for care fees in the future.

WindsurfingDreams · 15/07/2024 22:44

IsitaHatOrACat · 15/07/2024 22:15

Years ago people did have time off for stress. They and their families may have then ended up in the workhouse or them in a lunatic asylum, or at the bottom of a river if they didnt have people to support them.

My DF had to give up work for a while in the mid 1980s to recover from stress but it definitely wasnt talked about then
Mental health crises are not a new thing

Show quote history

Agreed. And mental health isn't a joke. I fell apart after experiencing a serious crime. It wasn't "snowflakeitis".

I've reported that comment as it is deeply offensive.

Miley1967 · 15/07/2024 22:47

WindsurfingDreams · 15/07/2024 22:44

Agreed. And mental health isn't a joke. I fell apart after experiencing a serious crime. It wasn't "snowflakeitis".

I've reported that comment as it is deeply offensive.

Show quote history

Agree. Workplace stress is serious and debilitating. Op's husband will likely need some time to gather himself and decide his next move. I left a job a few years ago that was causing me immense stress and dh was totally supportive that it was ok to do this.

magicmushrooms · 15/07/2024 22:48

Take 24 hours break. Don’t speak about it and let him get over the past events. He won’t be feeling great about this right now either.

Then baby steps- get a budget in place, see what you are dealing with and take it from there. Work out what your options are.

tissueboxandcandles · 15/07/2024 22:53

Miley1967 · 15/07/2024 22:43

They probably just wanted to shift it asap so it's not taken into account for inheritance tax or to pay for care fees in the future.

Show quote history

A chat with an estate planner is always a good idea. There are options around this. I don't want to labour the point as the poor OP can't do anything about it now.

Scottishskifun · 15/07/2024 22:56

@Dhisfired do you rent or do you have a mortgage?

Most mortgage companies signed up to the charter which means you can take a mortgage holiday for 6 months and pay only the interest. It won't solve everything but might give some breathing space.

For what it's worth I've been through redundancies with my DH (not for the same reason) I gave him a few weeks then job hunting started even if lower positions etc

littleturquoisecaravan · 15/07/2024 22:58

I would look at setting up an account solely in your son's name and putting the money in there.

Do you have any paperwork or evidence that although the money may be being kept safe by you as the guardian, it was officially left to your son?

I would look at cutting back on anything you can

Tv packages
Subscriptions
Expensive food shop/ switch to supermarket
Brands etc
Window cleaner? Gardener? Cleaner?

Anything that can go, get rid for now. Try and claw back some money.

Turmerictolly · 15/07/2024 23:00

Hopefully the meds and therapy will be successful and he'll start to turn a corner in a few months. It'll be clearer than how much he can cope with. You need to look after yourself first and foremost. You may need to dip into your child's savings for a bit to stay afloat but hopefully you can build these back up again when dh has another job. Go back to basics for a bit, food on the table and roof over your head. Don't worry about everything else for now.

It's an old saying, but this too shall pass.

VJBR · 15/07/2024 23:00

LizzieBennett73 · 15/07/2024 20:02

This isn't just your mess to fix. He may be stressed but that doesn't mean he gets the luxury of dumping it all onto your plate to fix. Especially if he's being reckless with money which clearly he is.

I'd be going in there, turning the TV off and asking what happens now.

This. There are two of you in the marriage. It can’t be all up to you. Don’t touch your son’s money. If it’s in his name then you probably can’t anyway until he is 18. It shouldn’t affect claiming.

Zebracat · 15/07/2024 23:02

Well, this is weirdly specific, but someone very close was in this position and they went to horticultural college and became a gardener. It was the making of them.
First things first. Sit down together and go through your finances. Cut out entirely any luxuries, like Sky, magazines, paid for apps. Cut out entirely the budget for clothes, holidays, hobbies. Slash your food budget - no alcohol, fast food , sugar, snacks, meat, if you eat it twice a week. Become a ninja about fuel and water usage.if you have 2 cars, sell the better one. Agree a plan for getting him better. Insist he gets up at 7.30, sees the doctor, takes a walk in nature everyday and plays a full role in the household. This is really important , otherwise you will be working 2 jobs, doing everything in the house and gritting your teeth when he tells you he is still depressed and stays up all night watching porn and gaming.
i hope it works out ok.

Zebracat · 15/07/2024 23:04

Oh and claim any benefits immediately

FineFettler · 15/07/2024 23:07

Was the money for your son left in trust for him formally? If so you wouldn't be allowed to use it, which would help with a claim for benefits.

tissueboxandcandles · 15/07/2024 23:17

FineFettler · 15/07/2024 23:07

Was the money for your son left in trust for him formally? If so you wouldn't be allowed to use it, which would help with a claim for benefits.

OP has already said her parents put the money into a joint account in her name and her son's name.

Miley1967 · 15/07/2024 23:20

tissueboxandcandles · 15/07/2024 23:17

OP has already said her parents put the money into a joint account in her name and her son's name.

Show quote history

Important to know exactly what that means though in relation to benefits. Is it in the child's name with the mum named as the person to handle the account until the child turns 18 or does it mean it's in a joint account ( very unlikely as I can't imagine you can have a joint account with a child ) ?

Changinforaday · 15/07/2024 23:24

OP this happened to us. My DH lost his job and had a monumental breakdown. We were also living overseas without permanent residency and 2 toddlers. It was hard, but actually the thing that got him through was finding another job that he really wanted to do with people he liked. It took about 3 months.

It sounds like your husband needs to look after himself. Eat well, try to get some sleep. Go for walks etc. I think you can get through this. Please don't think it is the end of the world, just a stop along the way.

You've had some brilliant advice on this thread about benefits and where to get help.

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