Dh has just been fired - hand hold pls?

[Dhisfired]

Name changed for this. As the title says, dh has just been fired. It was a long time coming. He has been incredibly stressed at work and has not been coping. He’s been on unpaid leave for a while. Today they had the conversation and mutually agreed he should leave.

We can’t get by on my salary. Looks like dh won’t be able to work for weeks / months while he deals with this stress issue, which I’m worried could turn into serious long term mental health problems. It’s probably already there.

I am terrified. Want to support him but I can’t stop crying. Has anyone else been through similar? Where do we go from here?

The UC decision maker is unlikely to consider those savings yours if you can show that the account was set up for the child - being in your joint name is strong evidence of that. They are worried about people putting money in their child’s name so they can claim UC, which is clearly not the case for you.

My brother found himself in same position after unpaid leave from a stressful situation at work. He took nearly a whole year off and spent all savings , while my sister-in-law continued working and tried to sell as much as possible. When funds ran out he found a job.

Be open and transparent with your Dh that you will support him to retrain or seek help however he may need, but that he can’t use your son’s money to fund him having a long break from working.

Speak to grandparents & transfer the money into trust for your son

I am pretty sure if a woman posted on here saying she was having a breakdown she would be encouraged to take the time off to recover and to dip into the savings if necessary. Breakdowns/burnout can be utterly debilitating and physically dangerous.

The ignorance on here is astounding. Just like if he had cancer or had broken his back, he may well simply not be able to work for a while, or even to function for a while. It won't be a choice he is making.

I agree the big spends last month were frustrating and they need to stop. But it's actually quite shocking to see how dismissive people are being about mental health . It clearly still has a huge stigma.

Please check your Universal Credit entitlement with someone who knows the current rules.

The capital held in a joint account with your child may not be taken into account.

When I worked for the DWP the default position for treatment of joint accounts was 50/50 UNLESS there was evidence to show otherwise. Presumably the person gifting the money would confirm they gave it to your son. I have checked UC legislation and that still seems to be the case.

Capital held by a child was always disregarded, but whilst I can see that this still applies to some other benefits I can’t find the specific legislation for UC regarding this. An organisation like CAB would have up to date information.

Can you also check if you can reduce any commitments, renegotiate internet, phone, fuel tariffs, etc.? I know you are probably busy but it might help to keep your mind occupied and help as it is something within your control in this situation. Good luck.

So sorry OP. I know how much of a worry you’re in just now. Try not to row - arguing with each other won’t help and you have to try and be a team and get through this together. If you’re feeling resentful at the moment or both of you don’t feel in the right headspace to think practically, then just give each other some
space to cool off and you can address things tomorrow or the day after.

A year ago, my DH and I found ourselves in a similar position. DH was under huge stress at work and subsequently found himself in the midst of some awful mental health challenges. It was the worst time of my life. He ended up quitting his job after his anxiety got so bad he was having panic attacks in the car park outside. One day he had a job, the next he didn’t. He earns more than me and I was heavily pregnant with DC2. Genuinely thought my world was ending.

DH went to the GP and got referred for counselling which he still attends, and signed up for temp work. First temp job led him to a permanent position. That position has further led to a promotion, as well as the best working schedule he’s ever held, which allows him a far better work/life balance. The stress is gone, his mental health is far better, and our home life is great.

I wouldn’t have thought we’d be in this position a year ago, but boy am I grateful we are.

It doesn’t have to be as bad as it currently feels. Things can get so much better. Hoping my experience brings a bit of light your way. You guys can get through this. Be there for each other, be a team, and do what needs to be done for your son, each other and yourselves.

Wishing you all the very best.

Are your parents still with you? I'd say ask them if they would be happy for you to use your son's money for keeping a roof over your heads, fed and clothed and bills paid for a while. When things are better you and your husband could start paying it back. This is an emergency. That money could be the cushion you need to control it

But don't let him any where near it. His common sense is out the window at the moment.

There's a lot of good advice here on economising, which would be very wise.

For now, your husband's ill. Just as much as if he had a broken leg or COVID. He lost his job because his illness was preventing him delivering.

So could you get some legal advice there? Some solicitors offer a half hour pro bono service (we did that when deciding if we should sue someone).

He needs to get better. He can't work at the moment until he gets over the shock and starts to rally. But as soon as he's better, a small interim job would be a good idea, keep his hand in, his cv current.

The row ... What was that about?

And you ... a lot of weight is on your shoulders. Is anyone caring for, supporting, looking after you?

Put the money in an account soley in your DS's name. It is his money, so don't touch it, otherwise believe me, it will be gone sooner than you know it.

Apply for universal credit.

Have you got mortgage protection insurance? If so, look at making a claim. If your dh has MH problems, look at new style ESA & PIP. Has his therapist ever suggested he has Autism or ADHD? Look for quizzes that can give you an indication that you may have it & speak to your GP, it would also be useful to get a sick note ready to claim new style ESA which is contribution based & savings don't affect it, PIP is also non means tested. How old is he? If he is over 57, he can look at drawing his workplace pension. I panicked like mad when I had to finish work about money, but I ended up being much better off than working.

I second this about doing something where he is self employed. It takes back control, so he can just be answerable to himself. Not easy by any means, but a lots of men are stressed in the workplace because of expectations and high workloads. My next door neighbour had a nervous breakdown due to work situation, and they eventually let him go. He was very creative, and had decorated their house, which he was really good at. Started his own business decorating and five years later has built up a good client base and is so much happier. Does he have a talent or skill in anything which he can pursue?

In your situation I would try not to focus on the long term at the moment. Focus on the next 2 months.

• What do you need to cover your bills and food - and by spending the bare minimum, with no extras, will your own salary cover this?
• What can your husband cope with work wise? Sit with him and look at local vacancies for jobs that are low stress.
• Then I would have a look at what you don’t need and sell what you think will sell on.
• Speak to someone who is qualified to give advice on maximising your income - I’m not sure what is available locally but some local authorities have welfare rights officers who will support with this for free.

NRFT but OP he needs to claim UC (or whatever it's called for people in his position)from the first day his employment ends. He'll be entitled to a period of contribution based benefits (I think it's a year) which as the name suggests isn't income based, it's based on him paying NI contributions for every one of the 52 weeks of the past financial year and this one. If there's a gap, like him living off savings until they've run out or him not getting his act together for a week or two, then he won't qualify because there will be a gap in the NI contributions between him stopping work and claiming. So the first thing he needs to do the day after stopping work is to start that claim.

@umar123
Dear Husband
Dear Children
Dear Son

Etc

OP you said "unpaid leave". Is he signed off sick by GP? Is he claiming SSP? If not, why not? It's the employer who claims SSP and it's paid via the employer on the payslip like other wages would be. Even if his notice is a few weeks if he hasn't been getting SSP he should see about starting getting it now, it's not much but every little helps.

Op if you pm me I can help. I’m an employment solicitor. He ought to have received certain payments. This is the case even if they said the conversation was without prejudice (or protected).

He ought not to be in a position where he just had nothing.

JSA for 6 months.
you will be fine op

She doesn't have £25k. Her son does.

She needs to exhaust every option, not just take money that isn't hers, knowing she has no means to pay it back.

Things you can do OP-
Cancel all unnecessary subscriptions.
Cook cheaper meals (less meat etc).
Walk/cycle whenever possible.
Sell anything that isn't essential, if you have more than one TV, sell the rest. Hobby equipment needs to go. Excess clothes and shoes on vinted.

If you haven't done these things then you really aren't even in the position where you should even consider your son's money.

If the savings are in your child's name and are before you claim, it shouldn't affect your UC claim.

Thank you for all of the advice. I am obviously going to cut costs and sell things before I consider spending the money for my son. I do feel like the practical steps are relatively clear and obvious, but the emotional and relational ones are not so clear.

how do you support your partner when you are drowning under the weight of all the responsibility? He wanted to talk all last night but I have a busy (and extremely necessary) job and I feel exhausted today. He doesn’t feel able to look after our child so I will of course. But I am so tired and so worried.

tbh the last thing I want to do right now is put loads of shit for sale on eBay. I don’t have the energy for a side hustle. I want to weep. And I want to help everyone. But I don’t know if I can. I don’t have time to call or see a friend because I’m working full time and doing everything at home and now I have to try to get a second job too.

Hope things are better this morning. There is a lot to think about.

Is your husband able to accept any responsibility for anything at present? Could he be trusted to have dinner on the table or is his functional level below that at the moment. Can he commit to not making things worse E.g. by buying shit.

Does he have any sort of plan/idea how to progress from here. Is he committed to getting better. Can his family help out in any way?

What does he say about it? There is a big difference between someone who is committed to getting better and someone who won’t discuss the impact now, or any timescale, and won’t support you to support the family by doing housework, and won’t discuss it by having a tantrum if you try to.

I think the boundary must be that he commits to helping you help the family, and he has to say what that will look like. If he won’t look for a new job/career and won’t stop spending, and won’t help at home, then you have to separate. Actually it might help him to know that you aren’t going to let him drown the whole family.

Thank you so much, but he was a contractor working under IR35 so he has no employment rights

Tine to toughen up. In sure he is able to take some load of you, housework, looking after son. Time to put your foot down.

Why did your DH agree a mutual termination? Was there a settlement involved? If dismissed, he would at least have had notice pay of one week for every completed year of service.

Have a chat with ACAS. It might be worth him claiming constructive dismissal.

Oh, just saw he’s a contractor.

@Dhisfired

I hope that you feel better soon, OP.

Has he completed the online application for JSA?

https://www.gov.uk/jobseekers-allowance

I think I’m in a massive panic and am catastrophising. I’m so grateful for everyone’s advice on here. I will read through the whole thread carefully after work tonight and get an action plan together.