Dh has just been fired - hand hold pls?

[Dhisfired]

Name changed for this. As the title says, dh has just been fired. It was a long time coming. He has been incredibly stressed at work and has not been coping. He’s been on unpaid leave for a while. Today they had the conversation and mutually agreed he should leave.

We can’t get by on my salary. Looks like dh won’t be able to work for weeks / months while he deals with this stress issue, which I’m worried could turn into serious long term mental health problems. It’s probably already there.

I am terrified. Want to support him but I can’t stop crying. Has anyone else been through similar? Where do we go from here?

People are saying he needs a job, but he may be too ill to work right now. He needs to seek medical help, a fit note from the GP, perhaps MH support etc. You need advice about benefits, he may not be entitled to any money and you need to know where you stand. (My ex husband and I went through similar, he couldn’t work as a result of a severe MH crisis - I was just expected to support him and he didn’t qualify for a penny.) So the two of you need to do some realistic talking about, at least the short term, future. If he is very fragile, this is going to be very hard on you op, I’m so sorry. You will both come through this btw - people do recover and get back to work. And if you have money - for your son, ok but it’s money - use it. Far better to support the family, so your son benefits of course, and not having savings would likely help any claims you can make.

You sound completely unsympathetic about his MH, yes you're worried but to be angry and having a row when he's clearly in a bad way is unfair.
You can access £25k, it's not as if you're heading to disaster, support him and his wellbeing.

If you are adamant you wont touch it you could put it in a JISA.

Id also review all subscriptions and cancel everything that is not a "need"

Gyms, spotify, disney+, netflix etc are not needs.
Even if your dh "needs" exercise for his mental health. running is free, body weight exercises are free and a set of dumbells on fb market place are £30 or so.

If your dh cant stop spending on fancy shit and doesnt agree to sell or return the stuff he has bought I'd honestly be look to separate.

A drowning man takes everyone with them.
If he cant be part of the solution, he is part of the problem.
In fact right now he is the problem.

You have a child... if he wants to drown thats fine but he cannot take you down with him. Your child needs you.

This is not a helpful message at all.

OP- this is all very new and upsetting. You can still go for a walk in the rain to calm down if its space that you need.

I've skimmed the thread so apologies if someone has already said this, but you can open a junior ISA for your son and put £9k a year in it. He won't be able to access it until he's 18 though, so that might be an issue if you do need to use the money.

I've no idea if that will affect your ability to claim UC or not (I don't know if they look at moving money or whatever) but might be an option if you do want to safeguard at least a portion of the money for his future

If anything this will help with the mh op.

And she doesn’t sound at all unsympathetic. She said she is trying to support him but finding it hard. She never said she really thinks he deserves it, or she couldn’t give a damn about him or anything to justify that bizarre comment @Kelly51

I'm amazed at how many people think it's acceptable for OP to take her son's money.

There is a lot of advice here, but my starting point is - don't rush. Give yourself and your DH a week to get over the shock and process your emotions. Look at what the options are and make some lists of possibilities.

then the next steps will depend a bit on your DH's health. if he cannot work at all, he needs to invest time in recovering. if he can work a bit, then a part-time low-stress job would bring in some money and give him structure to each day.

take things a week at a time and see where it takes you.

also, see if you can find a way to rant outwards (i.e. to a friend / other relative) not to DH so that you don't increase his stress and make him back away from any solutions.

Why should the taxpayer subsidise people who have access to £25k?

It's not held in trust for him though, it's just nominally "his". And ensuring he is fed and has a roof over his head seem like higher priorities than uni fees or whatever in a decade or two.

We recently went through similar too in Jan. We are through the other end of the tunnel. Dh has a stressless job and I am going to retrain next Sept for a bigger joint income

The benefit year starts in January so for someone applying now it is 2022-23 and 2021-22. It will not change again until Jan 2025.

When I assess charitable grants I never mind seeing a sensible priced TV subscription. It's a very low cost treat compared to cinema etc and if someone is ill or isolated or depressed it can bring them comfort or distraction.

I agree with cutting most costs but a life absolutely pared to the bone can trash your mental health pretty swiftly

DH should get job stacking shelves or similar while deciding on the next step professionally.

It's dangerous to get into a routine of watching TV at home and sticking his head in the sand.

This is horrible for you both

All the above advice is good

Sell what you can on vinted and Facebook market place

If you have two cars get rid of one

What about starting his own business? Car valeting/ window cleaning/ general cleaning

Get sim only phones

You can get an Iceland card for food shopping

Use food banks

Get a second hand bike if you haven't got one and cycle places is possible instead of using petrol

No heating on get a jumper if needs be

Short showers

Bulk cook

Only wash clothes when you have too

Use towels more than once

Get a lamp and never turn the main lights on

Look around for cheaper insurance, internet, bill providers etc

It's not going to save you lots but it will help

Agree, it’s literally theft. I wonder whether the GPs would be willing/able to give more, even as a loan, to tide over OP and family.

Also some banks give you money for switching bank accounts

Easy for me to say but it’s actually a good thing that he has left if he has not been coping at work. Sometimes bad work like that can be soul destroying and really bad for people. Try and reframe the situation if you can; at least you have that £25k to help you out at this time. Let DH have a few days of relief and let him try and come to a conclusion about how he will go forward. generally NHS mental health services are not great for all the reasons we know.

The first thing that you can do is speak to the bank and see if you can have a mortgage holiday or similar. This would take the pressure off for a few months.

Try not to panic; things will get better and there is a concerted effort to help people in this situation. I’m so sad you are going through this, it sounds like it’s been hard for you over the last few months. Hopefully things will look up now that DH is out of that situation .

Will he let you take his bank cards and credit cards - sometimes when depressed people spend for that dopamine boost.

If you have a mortgage contact provider and ask to go interest only

How can it be theft when it’s in a joint account! And nobody is suggesting she blows it all on a holiday . But if there’s no other means of income and she’s not entitled to benefits what else is she supposed to do?!

Well if the savings preclude op claiming benefits what else do you expect her to do?

If they had wanted the money to be in their grandsons name only they could have set it up that way

Hi OP, please remember that the Samaritans are available 24/7. I have found them very helpful in moments of despair 116 123. You can cry as much as you want with them if it helps. Sending you strength and hope

I know it doesn’t feel it but it could turn out to be a good thing in the long run if he can find something more suited to him perhaps. It obviously wasn’t sustainable. He’ll be eligible for some benefits, get looking into that and thinking about how you can get through this. Mortgage payment holidays etc.