Dh has just been fired - hand hold pls?

[Dhisfired]

Name changed for this. As the title says, dh has just been fired. It was a long time coming. He has been incredibly stressed at work and has not been coping. He’s been on unpaid leave for a while. Today they had the conversation and mutually agreed he should leave.

We can’t get by on my salary. Looks like dh won’t be able to work for weeks / months while he deals with this stress issue, which I’m worried could turn into serious long term mental health problems. It’s probably already there.

I am terrified. Want to support him but I can’t stop crying. Has anyone else been through similar? Where do we go from here?

Why doesn't he feel able? He can't opt out of parenthood especially now he's got all this time on his hands.

Oh that is tough. I have experience of IR35 - my DH had no employment rights either and trying to comply with IR35 rules led him into working under an umbrella company paying both employers' and employees' NI. It is so unfair and really penalises ordinary people. The stress got to him too in the end and he burnt out. Please do look into ESA before JSA - based on the information you have shared about his mental health struggles I think he is likely to be eligible, and if so I think it is paid for longer than JSA if needed while he recovers and gets back on his feet.

I know it must be so hard while you are under so much pressure, but try to take time for yourself to decompress. If you can get some head space you'll come up with the solutions yourself. Xx

OP, it's really, really important at this point that he doesn't take the summer off to get over things and spend his days watching TV and playing video games and living off the money put aside for your son.

I've seen this happen with a friend's son, in a similar situation to your OH, who agreed with his wife that he could have a couple of months me-time to recover after developing MH issues with a stressful job. Six months later he was living in one room, watching TV and gaming and day-trading online, running through their savings without her knowledge and increasingly living in his own delusional world. 18 months down the line she divorced him and he is now back living with my friends who are their wits' end because he shows no sign of wanting to return to real life.

I'm very concerned about what you've said about him blowing money on a new phone and tech stuff while on unpaid leave. In your shoes I'd want to know how much he owes on credit cards and unsecured loans and I'd want to be the one entirely in charge of finances.

Right. I am sorry for anyone who is experiencing bad stress due to work, I really really am. But you can't just stop, hide and let your DW have all the pressure and strain. He NEEDS to find a job - something different of course, and he NEEDS to step up. Life still needs paying for, a child still needs providing for and he shouldn't have his future impacted because a parent steps out. If you are working your arse into the ground and he isn't, he takes care of house/cooking/child, otherwise all that will happen is two people with stress and burnout.
I'm sorry, but there isn't space in most normal lives for being self indulgent. There just isn't. What is the source of his stress?

Haven't read the full thread so maybe this has already been suggested. Would he be able to do work that has no responsibility like shelf stacking or bar work where he can just do the work and come home without the work stress. Anything just so he is bringing some money in. Or maybe signing on with a temping agency, so he's working in different places.

Don't touch that money unless you are absolutely starving. He needs to find a job NOW.

I think it depends on the level of stress. Some people do have nervous breakdowns where they aren't able to function at all.

I hear you, OP. Just when the bottom's fallen out of your world and you're left holding everything together, you're also expected to sit and listen sympathetically for hours and to do all the childcare too because it's all too much for him. Living with someone with MH issues can be a nightmare. My dad suffered from chronic depression and we all suffered as a result.

How had your relationship been before all this kicked off? Is this the first time he's had MH issues? Has he, in the past, taken more responsibility or has he always expected you to cope?

My friend's DIL* stuck with her DH for two years, locked in a downward spiral, before divorcing. Once it was all over she said that she didn't feel she could end the marriage any earlier in case it looked as if she was walking out on a sick man — but she wished she had.

*mentioned above.

This. He may not feel able to work but he can start doing some childcare and work around the house. No point wallowing and feeling sorry for himself. How would it work if it was the other way around? I am sure you would still be getting on with stuff.

You're allowed your time to grieve and rant.
You are a family, a team.

I had to claim UC recently and my children's savings accounts which I am a Trustee for, were ignored when making the claim. Only £5k total mind you. But I have an account where I save my tax as I'm self employed, and that is to be ignored re my claim

how do you support your partner when you are drowning under the weight of all the responsibility? He wanted to talk all last night but I have a busy (and extremely necessary) job and I feel exhausted today. He doesn’t feel able to look after our child so I will of course. But I am so tired and so worried.

It's very difficult and you need help. So does DH. He needs to lean on his friends and family, not just on you. Get him a list of MH helplines he can call to offload or for advice. You also need to lean on friends and family for support. Protect yourself by limiting the offloading onto you. If he really really needs you one night and you're up all night because it's life and death so you've no choice, then call in sick to work the next day yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup. Check out your own employees support package to see if you can access a counsellor through work for yourself, if things get overwhelming for you.

Another thing is DH needs to engage in self help measures such as journalling, daily walks in the park etc. It's not ok for his sole outlet to be talking to people about it all. MH problems can be medium-long term in some people, so he needs to develop ways to cope with his emotions that doesn't involve dumping them on his nearest and dearest and obtaining reassurance every 5min. You can't do the job of therapist on top of everything else. He should use his professional therapy sessions to work out coping strategies, not just to talk about how he feels or work out what to do next. He then needs to commit to using those coping strategies in his daily life whenever he's feeling overwhelmed.

I find some people who are intrinsically needy to be not so keen on this aspect of things, they want someone else to fix it for them, to soothe their troubles soul and aren't willing to learn to soothe it themselves. That's the part to crack down on. Don't be taken for a mug. Nobody else can fix someone's MH problems and "save" them, only the person themselves. If he does turn out to be one of these and a bit of straight talking and some tough love doesn't make him buck his ideas up, then consider splitting. Some people are emotional drains and will always drag you down and that's got nothing to do with their MH, it's their personality.

All the childcare can't be on you. You need downtime and a chance to totally relax or you're going to burn out too. So enlist grandparents to help, swap sleepovers with school friends so you and the other family both get child-free time, pay for an extra nursery session if you have to on your day off. DH isn't so far gone from the sounds of it that he can't hold it together for a couple hours and mind DC while DC watches a film or while DC is asleep. Look at your personal/work schedule and carve out some me-time for yourself, it's a false economy not to.

If your main job is full on and stressful then you can't work two jobs at all/long term. So if he's not getting back to some form of work pronto, you'll need to look at your living circumstances and somehow make your outgoings match your income, which might mean drastic action like moving home. Working yourself to the bone until you've both got MH problems and neither can work, isn't the answer.

I've PM'd you.

I'm sure you could manage to put a couple of things on eBay - like a nearly new phone and headphones?

Surely your DH can manage to list items on eBay and vinted etc?

If the account is already half in your son's name maybe that's enough to indicate it's for him and you can put it in a Junior ISA and he can't get it until 18, would have been better than a bank account anyway. Do take advice though.

You cannot do it all op, if he's home he needs to step up otherwise you will become unwell.

If he's so unwell he can't manage the basics then he really needs to see his doctor urgently.

Good luck.

It isn't hers to touch if it was left to son!

You are in a panic yes and probably can’t see the wood for the trees. But you will be ok. My life has turned upside down in spectacular ways in the last 7-8 years, thing after thing. Heartache, financial stuff, more heartache, struggling, but one thing I will say is you will look back and be proud of yourself. For now do your panicking and crying, then put your head up high and take it one step at a time.

Reading your posts OP, I feel really worried that you're taking on the role of being the breadwinner, and still covering 100% of the household/mental load.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Rather than touching any of your son's money, I would gather your parents and his together and tell them the situation you are in because he's lost his job. I'm sure that they'd rather know and may offer a loan/help.

He could make a claim for Perdonal Independence Payment (PIP), meant to help with long term.conditions including stress and anxiety, you can do this online and he will have an assessment either in person or remotely, it's not means tested. Good luck, don't forget to take care of yourself as well as everyone else 💐

Hey OP, I've been there. Before my husband and I got married, he had a terrible creeping mental health crisis.

He was burnt out in a career he hated, but stuck because he was supporting his mum financially too. When he got suicidal, he got some therapy (back when NHS waiting lists were a little less horrific) and told his employer, who then (illegally) fired him. Cue a year of job hunting, rejection, one rescinded job offer because his past employer illegally disclosed his mental health issues.... we were dipping into savings for 6 months and then that was all gone. It was a horrid cycle of rejection and crushed self esteem. He took on a more domestic role in the mean time, and the house was spotless and dinner cooked. The one luxury he kept until the savings ran out was a cheap gym, so he could at least feel like he achieved something there.

I didn't know how to cope and would constantly send him jobs. I would break down and sob in my work toilets every time an interview didnt make it to an offer. We budgeted to the absolute digit. I felt like was carrying both of us, but we were slowly sinking. We had to move out of our gorgeous rented home into a small room with an en suite. I had no money, and even worse, it felt like the funny, confident, clever man I fell in love with was a shadow of his former self. I felt lonely.

Finally he got an entry level job in a career that he was desperate to break into... on half the money he had been previously. It was an ego hit, but he was elated to be working again. And we slowly started to float again.

And even though it was one of the hardest years, I am so glad we did it. He is thriving in a role he loves, making decent money. I have the person I love back, and he isn't constantly burnt out. But I will say..... he needed to fix it himself. He needed to take ownership as a man, and see us as a unit.

If he can't work full time, part time service work and taking on the brunt of childcare and household chores should get him up and about every day in a way that benefits the whole family whilst he job hunts. Your little one gets bonding time with Daddy. You get to offload some domestic load. It's not ideal, but it does doesn't have to break you both. Good luck!!

Please don't spend your son's money

Some jobs can be bad for your MH.

Also being stuck home, skint is also bad for your MH.

I presume DH knows about the £25,000 held in your DS and your name? I know there have been lots of suggestions of Junior ISA's, but would you consider that, for every £ from that £25,000 that has to go towards household expenses you put the same amount into junior Premium Bonds in your son's name only? And ensure DH agrees to that? Or something like for every £100 to household there's £25 to junior Premium Bonds? So the kid doesn't lose out completely and your DH doesn't think he's got 12 months grace from working.

I know there's some judgement here about the DH having a mental health crisis, but there's lots here bringing their own experiences to the thread. My now ExDH lost his job and spent days faffing with the local boys group rather than look for a job because I was bringing home £'s and job hunting was stressful; he had long lie-in's while I did the school run and race into work ....

If he's been on sick pay, he could now qualify for ESA and possibly be put in the support group, which would get you a higher rate and he wouldn't be required to sign on.
It might also be wise to sit down with his GP, as if his health problems are going to be long term, he may even qualify for PIP. I would also suggest you contact MIND. They are great and could help you with any financial worries and help with MH issues.