AIBU husband w*nking

[FarmerJojo81]

What are people's views on this? I know my husband does it and he says he needs to orgasm daily so if we don't have sex for a few days then I understand he gets frustrated. I turn a blind eye but know it goes on discretely - fine. For context we have had issues with our sex live since DC was born but have been trying to get back on track and this week have been having regular sex. Today I walked into the bedroom and he was having a wank whilst watching something on his phone. I was annoyed as it was morning and I was in the kitchen getting child's breakfast. I came looking for husband to see where he was. Child could have easily walked in. I was livid.

He is now annoyed with me as I "shamed" him and overreacted. I have apologised for storming out but not for being angry and said I don't take responsibility for his actions. He's saying it's all about how I make him feel and connected to our sex life problems.

I was just giving the other side of the coin that’s all. The majority of posters on here are presuming the worst but actually we don’t know. Do we? Or maybe you do. I just think there’s too much wild speculation.

I can't say I've gone through and counted tbh. But I've definitely read a good few comments that make it clear there are more than a few people in here who view masterbation as some sort of unpleasant thing.

More to the point, the OP says ...

if we don't have sex for a few days then I understand he gets frustrated. I turn a blind eye but know it goes on

What's with the turning blind eye? And knowing it goes on like some dirty secret. Baffling.

Anything overdone gets a bit boring. What about all the other pleasure out there too?

What position? That it should be mutual pleasuring when intercourse is not wanted, and that it should have nothing to do with watching porn. If you do not have a partner, of course, that's different. If you are masturbating on your own there is something wrong with your relationship - been there, bought the T-shirt.

That obviously works for you. From my pov masturbation was a reaction to a (not very) DH who only thought of himself during sex and left me high and dry. So I'd go to bed early, out of his way, and masturbate to actually have an orgasm. He would come to bed and complain I had turned off the light, which meant I objected to him reading till the small hours because he was so intelligent he could not stop thinking so could not sleep.
Divorce eventually. New relationship best sex I'd ever had, included mutual masturbation. No need for solitary pleasuring (with or without porn - and I can imagine porn ok, I don't need porn on a phone) because sex was fulfilling.
The thought of solitary masturbation in this relationship would feel as unfaithful as suggesting that my (late) DH could not paint (he could) or write (he could).
Now do you see my point? There is something wrong with a relationship that includes solitary masturbation using porn.
NB Cannot be doing with sharing a bath!

What position? That it should be mutual pleasuring when intercourse is not wanted, and that it should have nothing to do with watching porn. If you do not have a partner, of course, that's different. If you are masturbating on your own there is something wrong with your relationship - been there, bought the T-shirt."

That's your view on masterbation. And you are absolutely entitled to that view for your own relationship and setting your own boundaries.

But that's not true for everyone. I think a lot of people will enjoy masterbation on their own even when in a relationship and most certainly wouldn't view it as infidelity or that there was a problem with the relationship.

I would go further:- if my partner had a problem with me masterbating, then that would be the end of the relationship. Its controlling what I do with my own body. And a big red flag for me.

You’re absolutely right. I had my “I’m right and the world’s wrong” hat on when I wrote that post. I suppose porn wasn’t as instantaneous and accessible and mass produced/circulated as it is now. It’s so ordinary and everyday in our culture and, in my own opinion, I think, in its current iteration, porn’s limitless and instant availability is socially destructive. But that’s my belief. I had such a terrible and traumatic experience of porn viewing in my marriage/home, an abusive one that is so far removed from what the OP has experienced. So I do need to be a bit more measured in my arguments. I’m trying to work on this. I’m sorry to have come across as mean and arrogant on this thread. I can stand by my principles and disagree nicely. I know how to do this! I think. 😆

@Grammarnut

If you are masturbating on your own there is something wrong with your relationship - been there, bought the T-shirt.
Ok well I'm glad you clarified. Not what I think but I'm not going to get into a big discussion other than to say I feel your view is sad.

I would challenge you to find a single source that states moderate levels of solo masterbation is unhealthy

www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a20730536/health-benefits-of-masturbation/

www.boots.com/wellness-advice/womens-wellness/why-is-self-pleasure-important

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/social-instincts/202406/2-reasons-why-solo-sex-is-an-underrated-form-of-self-care?amp

Thanks for sharing your perspective, I can see where you're coming from but hopefully you can also see from mine that masturbation isn't only confined to unhappy/sexually unfulfilled relationships.

Have to agree that joint baths always sound better in theory than in practice!

If you are masturbating on your own there is something wrong with your relationship - been there, bought the T-shirt.

What a complete load of rubbish, masturbation is a nice activity, a quick way to relax and destress. I think of it like having a bubble bath or playing some good music not an indicator of my relationship.

The discussions on Mumsnet can be quite strange, to say the least.

Some users make statements that are among the most absurd I've ever heard. It's truly baffling to consider what goes through their minds, as many seem completely out of touch with reality.

@Grammarnut

He can do this with you. He definitely should not ever insult you by masturbating by himself.

So, you're suggesting that anyone who engages in self-pleasure in their own private space is insulting their partner? Seriously?

But I feel that masturbating on your own to phone-porn is a form of infidelity to one's partner.

There is something wrong with a relationship that includes solitary masturbation using porn.

No offense, but this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

This is just your personal opinion and relevant to you alone, not to a wider audience.

People often engage in self-pleasure, typically using pornography, which is its primary purpose.

Anyone who naively believes their partner doesn't watch porn when they do this is deluded. Your partners (specifically husbands) all masturbate, and they all watch porn when they do.

Your sons will do exactly the same.

All men masturbate, and they all watch porn, whether you like it or not.

bless

This is a site for adults. You can say “wanking”!

Your original post tends to suggest you don’t like him doing it anyway. For example reference to turning a blind eye etc.

As a woman who enjoys a little “me time” more or less every day, regardless of whether l have 1:1 sex or not, l can see why your husband does this. But the key issue has got to be well away from the children. If you walk in on him, that’s fine, over the years, l’ve had people walk in on me. But the children are the big issue.

@LoveLifeBeHappy
Did you really need ChatGPT to explain the benefits of wanking and the downsides of porn?

Yes.

If he's in his bedroom and the door is closed? Surely that's enough?

@LoveLifeBeHappy - Possibly. Closed doors mean different things to different households.

I think many here are missing the point. It is both hugely disrespectful for the OP's DH to be doing this - wanking to phone-porn - and also an act of infidelity. Fidelity is not only refraining from jumping into bed (or back car seat or whatever) with someone not your DP, it means behaving towards your DP in a respectful and loving way. Wanking in the bedroom to porn is not being either loving or respectful and is no less unfaithful to the promises of marriage than sleeping with someone else. Superficially, it seems ok, a bit of 'me-time', but it's an insidious act of removal from the marriage going on, rather than nurturing the marriage. Sex bonds you to the other person you share it with. The 'me-time' going on is distancing yourself from that bonding and also saying that sex is not about love or relationship to the other person, or fidelity to that person irrespective of love (because not all marriage are based on love, but they are based on fidelity), but is a transaction between you which has no other meaning than that you both wanked together - something you might as well do on your own for all the emotion it carries for you.
If I were the OP I'd be thinking about divorce.

Never before has so much insight been given to a humble wank.

wanking to phone-porn - and also an act of infidelity

I personally don't believe there's anything wrong with watching porn, nor do I consider it a form of infidelity. If people truly think that way, then by that logic, nearly every husband in the world would be guilty of infidelity.

Wanking in the bedroom to porn is not being either loving or respectful and is no less unfaithful to the promises of marriage than sleeping with someone else.

Most people will fortunately disagree with you on this. However, if those are your rules, how does your partner feel about it, considering he most likely watches porn and masturbates?

How will you feel about your teenage son doing that if he has a girlfriend?

it's an insidious act of removal from the marriage

I find this perspective ridiculous.

If I were the OP I'd be thinking about divorce.

Hopefully, the OP doesn't share your sense of humour.