AIBU husband w*nking

[FarmerJojo81]

What are people's views on this? I know my husband does it and he says he needs to orgasm daily so if we don't have sex for a few days then I understand he gets frustrated. I turn a blind eye but know it goes on discretely - fine. For context we have had issues with our sex live since DC was born but have been trying to get back on track and this week have been having regular sex. Today I walked into the bedroom and he was having a wank whilst watching something on his phone. I was annoyed as it was morning and I was in the kitchen getting child's breakfast. I came looking for husband to see where he was. Child could have easily walked in. I was livid.

He is now annoyed with me as I "shamed" him and overreacted. I have apologised for storming out but not for being angry and said I don't take responsibility for his actions. He's saying it's all about how I make him feel and connected to our sex life problems.

My DH died six months ago. He did not masturbate to porn during our marriage (28 years) and for the last 12 we were inseparable, working together. Though he did not share my views on pornography (he did not see it as harmful in the way that radical feminists do; had been a Youth Worker so had come across some unpleasant stuff; he considered porn juvenile and/or unforgivable crude, and using it to be juvenile too) he would have considered wanking to it as infidelity. He considered lack of support in all aspects of marriage to be unfaithful e.g. public criticism, which should be reserved for personal conversations. He NEVER criticised me in public - I wish that I could say the same of myself.
The standards I suggest may not be most people's but they do promote honesty and fidelity in marriage, whilst the alternatives look a bit sleazy.

I think many here are missing the point. It is both hugely disrespectful for the OP's DH to be doing this - wanking to phone-porn - and also an act of infidelity.

I see your point and unreservedly wholeheartedly strongly disagree. It’s so condescending to imply we would all agree with you if only we were clever enough to understand your point. We get it and we think it is rubbish.

Wanking in the bedroom to porn is not being either loving or respectful and is no less unfaithful to the promises of marriage than sleeping with someone else.

This is comedy gold, not even super religious folk think that wanking to porn is just as adulterous as fucking someone.

The rest about those who wank see sex as emotionless and transactional is nothing but complete drivel.

@Grammarnut
Sorry for the loss of your DH and how you must be missing him.

‘The standards I suggest may not be most people's but they do promote honesty and fidelity in marriage, whilst the alternatives look a bit sleazy’
🙄 Utter drivel.

Only drivel if you think infidelity and dishonesty are normal.
I am shocked - as a long-time feminist - at the women here who think pornography is ok and it's ok to use it in their marriage/relationships/'me time'. Pornography harms both those who participate in its making, who may be sex-slaves or otherwise coerced, and whose 'consent' to degrading acts does not make them less degraded - you are no less harmed by degrading acts because you are paid for them. Pornography uses women's bodies as things and repositories, for profit for a world-wide industry that has neither morals nor ethics.
Pornography is also harmful to the user, normalising fetishes, BDSM, harmful practices such as anal intercourse (dangerous esp for women whose anal tissue is more delicate, and resulting in anal fissures and also faecal incontinence), and dangerous practices such as strangling, which may result in death (it is no longer possible in the UK to use consent as a defence in case of death from this practice). To this is added the misinformation about sex given particularly to young boys/men about what a woman should be, what women like and how women should look (leading to the re-emergence of body shaving among young women so that they look 'porcelain smooth' - which can cause skin problems from blocked follicles, particularly around the genitals etc). Pornography has also played into the rejection of womanhood esp. by autistic girls (and esp those who are same sex attracted) who are appalled at what 'being a woman' appears to mean and try to identify out of it. Sex stereotypes are enhanced by pornographic images. Finally, pornography is one of the main drivers of the trans agenda and gender ideology, reinforcing stereotypes of what a woman is, and reinforcing the trope that 'woman' is a costume that anyone can wear - including men.
And people think this 'product' is all ok. It's really not and a DH who is masturbating to porn is a grave threat to a marriage and the sex life of him and his DP.
Some on this thread might be enlightened on these points by reading the feminist boards here on MN.

Every day. Thank you.

@Grammarnut I'm sorry for your loss

Separately, no one knows what anyone else is masterbating to or how often

You do if you are constantly in the same house, doing the same things. If you are truly intimate you know.

It’s all opinionated. I suspect I’m as much of a feminist as you, female in my 40s and masturbate regularly, but l have no problem with partners wanking (I would be a hypocrite if l did), body hair removal through individual choice (l do it!). Body hair removal was practiced in ancient Roman bathhouses, it’s nothing new. Likewise l am not bothered about someone watching a film of consenting adults having sex. The big American studios pay women actors more than men. Plus some porn is genuinely home made.

Women are sexual beings, brought up to believe “naice” girls don’t and those who do are punished; unmarried mothers’ homes, Magdalene Laundries etc.

We should embrace our sexuality and spend more time challenging the name calling by those wanting to imprison us with the “naice girl” image.

DH and I both work from home and spend an inordinate amount of time together (which we enjoy), both manage to masturbate independently without the other knowing about it!

I think he tends to do it early morning (in another room) when I'm still asleep, I tend to do it when he's exercising downstairs/in the shower. We also have regular sex.

It's not about being 'truly intimate'. Plenty of functional marriages involve individual masturbation, it's not deviant or a signifier of a failing/non-intimate relationship to do so.

A sex-positive feminist. But sex positivity is the root of calling prostitution 'sex work' and saying that acting in pornography is 'empowering to women'. Neither is true. Pornography and prostitution are both exploitative of women mostly for the benefit of men. It is also the root of saying that all sexual activity is good, when that is not the case (see problems with strangling, BDSM, anal intercourse, various fetishes we are not allowed to name on MN, etc).
I would say I was flummoxed by people who masturbate when they have a partner, but then I remember my ex-DH, who, several years into our marriage, ceased to satisfy me, so off I went and sorted myself, but that was a failing marriage and a partner who did not bother to stimulate me - he once told me not to move! My late DH and I had a happy and active sex life, far removed from that with my ex-DH. Late DH could have masturbated in the bath, I suppose, but since he never locked the door and I walked in unannounced it seems unlikely.
NB I know the Romans removed all body hair - waxing and sugaring, I think. But feminism had brought forward the idea that shaving to make the body entirely smooth is a way of subordinating how women actually are to some impossible porcelain-like image, an image which is reinforced by pornography. (I shave my legs and underarms, and only if I am going swimming.)
As to girls being brought up to believe 'nice girls don't' (never true) that is not the case now. Girls are being pushed into looking like porn actresses, and to allow anything which their BF's have seen on porn sites, as what they see they believe to be what everyone does and enjoys (not the case by a very long chalk).

@Grammarnut - You have articulately (maybe the clue is in your username) raised a number of additional issues in your most recent post, some of which l agree with, on others l think we should agree to differ.

Hair removal, for whatever reason is hair removal, regardless of what part of the body. Some men remove body hair too. And many men (the majority)regularly shave their faces.

In the past l have been told on MN that they had names for girls like me when they were st school. Why the shaming?

I’m more concerned about consent being the main thing. The right to say no and be listened to and the right to enjoy your body. And the right if any woman/man to masturbate in private if they so wish. Best wishes x

I have been married over 30 years, no dishonesty or infidelity here I can assure you. Happy to masturbate on my own and enjoy it, not ashamed. I do only specifically watch lesbian porn made for and by lesbians, not sure how that sits in your moral radar. My husband also masturbates by himself, in the privacy of his own bedroom. I do not feel that this is anyway detrimental to our marriage and do not recognise your take on it. In fact I think masturbating alone on my part has allowed me to have greater knowledge about my own body and how to pleasure it and therefore has had many other benefits for the marriage. Actually the thought of my husband wanking can be a turn on. The shaving thing is bizarre because you apparently do approve of it and conform when going swimming?!! Personally I think each to their own and everything should be a choice, if I feel more comfortable with body hair I will leave it and vice versa. Feminism is all about choice in for me,the freedom to make any choice that suits your own body/preferences/beliefs. I think you are making massive, sweeping generalisation that I don’t necessarily agree with or recognise within my own relationship so I beg to differ.

@Grammarnut

Firstly, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Losing a partner is incredibly difficult. I hope you are finding some peace and support during this challenging time.

Only drivel if you think infidelity and dishonesty are normal

As I mentioned earlier, if you consider watching pornography as infidelity and dishonesty, you’re implying that most men today fall into this category. While I respect that your partner never masturbated to pornography, it's naive to assume he never watched it.

Your statement, “he would have considered wanking to it as infidelity” seems to be an assumption and contradicts your earlier comment that “he did not share my views on pornography”.

Regardless, I find this claim difficult to accept.

Pornography harms both those who participate in its making

They’re professional actors who are paid to "perform." While the sex is real, there is nothing inherently harmful about it. If I record myself and my partner having sex and share it online, as many couples do, how are we harming each other? We are consenting adults.

Pornography is also harmful to the user, normalising fetishes, BDSM, harmful practices such as anal intercourse

Fetishes are not inherently harmful and can be a healthy part of an individual's sexual life when practiced consensually and safely. Anal sex, for instance, can be incredibly enjoyable and fulfilling, offering unique experiences that many find highly pleasurable.

Dangerous practices such as strangling, which may result in death

There have been occasional reports of accidents during the production of adult films, but there are no documented instances of deaths directly resulting from the filming process. Issues such as mental health, substance abuse, and external societal pressures have been linked to fatalities in the industry, but these are not directly related to on-set activities.

You seem to be conflating pornography with issues of sexual consent; they are distinct topics. Adults should have the freedom to explore their sexuality without facing undue judgment.

You’ve expressed concerns about the harm of pornography, particularly to women. However, data from PornHub reveals that 40% of women watch porn, with “Lesbian” being the most popular category among female viewers. In contrast, men’s most-watched category is “Milf.” These statistics suggest a more nuanced reality than what you might be suggesting.

Additionally, many women are now producing content aimed at couples.

For example, a significant portion of content on OnlyFans is produced by women. This highlights that many women are not only consumers of adult content but also creators, further illustrating the diverse ways in which people engage with and contribute to the industry.

a DH who is masturbating to porn is a grave threat to a marriage and the sex life of him and his DP

No it’s not.

No-one is shaming you. But both pornography and prostitution are violence against women, treating women as objects, which is why feminists like me call them out as part of the patriarchal control of women and women's bodies.
Without a doubt one can read the payment of a porn actress or a prostituted woman as consent. The proposition I am looking at asks if I want to live in a society where women's bodies are bought and sold, either in physical reality or on a porn-hub podcast. I don't - I think it demeans and degrades us all and alters the way men think about and view women. That views of women's sexuality are becoming pornified is very obvious from what young men now expect out of having sex.
NB The Romans used to wax their scrotum - ouch!

And you think any of that is healthy in a society? Feminism is about making the lives of women more equal to those of men without sacrificing the needs of most women e.g. to sex-segregated spaces,sports etc and freedom from violence and coerced sex.

Turning yourself into a porn actress on porn-hub, and watching this stuff devalues and degrades you, as a woman, along with the women who so expose themselves.
Selling sex is not work, it is an act of exploitation. Porn-hub is making money out of ordinary women making and putting up free porn - they are not paid to humiliate themselves, they freely choose to do it, and the money rolls in.
Do none of you see this? No, obv. not. You think feminism is about choosing what suits you and that that empowers you. It's not and it doesn't. Feminism is about ending the exploitation of women as objects, as birthers, as tarts. Putting your body on porn-hub is not empowering, it sets you up to be looked at by anyone who wants - a total violation of your privacy, a violation you permit.
NB Anal sex is harmful to women - it damages the anus and perineum.
This article makes some similar points to those I have mentioned in passing:
https://thecritic.co.uk/do-feminists-speak-for-all-women/

Feninism is not about making any choice that suits you. I put a link up for @LoveLifeBeHappy which I found helpful on this.

Please try not to be patronising. Amazingly feminism can mean many things to many different women and is not set in stone. It is very nuanced and means different things to different people. I could equally find a link to support what my idea of feminism is. Maybe we should agree to disagree. What I can’t agree with is your view on masturbation within a healthy relationship, I think you are relying heavily on your own experiences and prejudices. Fortunately you are not the arbiter of what is allowed in an adult partnership.

It’s just that there is no evidence the OP’s DH was looking at porn. He was looking at his phone. It could equally be a picture of Op from their wedding day or a holiday snap. Posters have jumped to the conclusion it had to have been porn.

You have said that the mere act of masturbating is infidelity and disrespectful even without porn. Your point is not we should all boycott porn. You have a deep seated aversion to masturbation in general.

You can be “truly intimate” without being conjoined at the hip 24/7.
What works for you would feel suffocating to me. We are all different.

@Grammarnut

You do if you are constantly in the same house, doing the same things. If you are truly intimate you know.
If someone doesn't allow their partner to ever shower or go to the toilet themselves then there are bigger issues than porn going on.

Don't be daft. Of course we were not together 24/7 - and late DH loathed showers, would always bath and only locked the door if others were in the house. I would go in to wake him up, usually. Wanking whilst having a shit may have its charms, but it sounds pretty fetishy to me.

Why don't you have sex? It's fun.

I don't have a deep seated objection to masturbation but I would feel insulted if my DP did that rather than make love with me - we can do mutual masturbation together as part or whole of our intimacy together, much more fun and another way to connect to each other.

I get that to a point but the needs (and the energy required) are quite different. I masturbate most mornings when l wake up. My clitty sets me up for the day. But the last thing l would want when still half asleep, is 1:1 sex with someone. That is for wide awake time.