14 year old DD pregnant

[reddevil83]

Found out today that my 14 year old DD is pregnant. DD doesn't want anyone to know so I have come on here as I just need someone to talk too.
I don't even know what to write on here I am so shocked.

Who was also14 how was that rape as they were both under the age of consent ?

This thread is Mumsnet at its finest. Women supporting women and shutting down the judgemental pricks who come here to drag people down.

that’s a really fair alternate perspective.

I think it comes down to horses for courses.

my mother raised me to be highly private about things like this.
i have had a few things happen (not pregnancy, but traumatic incidents/bereavement/ health issues etc) which I chose not to disclose to my school or later my employers.
retrospectively it was still the right choice for me… especially as I saw firsthand teachers and line-mangers be wildly careless with other peoples private and personal medical information

@reddevil83 prob worth weighing up which would benefit your daughter most the support / the privacy.

Sorry to hear this OP. A challlenge at 16 but 14 is incredibly young.
I'm sorry to be so blunt but at 4 months preganant, time is not on her side.

Really hoping you and her can access support.

So is the father ,being male doesn't mske him more culpable

What a shock for you both. I’m 17 weeks with my third on Tuesday and you need to make a plan and FAST. No matter what it is. I literally found out the sex of my baby today… whatever you decide, your poor child needs all the therapy, love and support you can give. And please protect her from spaces (even just a trip to town) for a while as seeing mums with buggies can be overwhelmingly triggering.

Can’t add any advice to what has already been offered but just wanted to send you a hug. You sound like a really caring mum who is supporting and listening to your daughter. Mistakes happen but they can be fixed especially with a loving parent like you x

This happened to me when I was 14 and I agree don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know, even if they are not judgemental. I got treated differently and gossiped about. 14 year olds aren't the best at being emphathic, one "friend" asked me if it was a boy or a girl after I'd had an abortion.
Please give her a hug and try to support her the best you can. Make sure she has a non judgemental space to discuss her options and don't, like other posters have suggested, coerce her into doing anything she doesn't want to do. It happens fairly frequently so don't make her feel like it's something to be ashamed of and try to talk about it openly. I know you are shocked right now but believe me this will probably affect her a lot more than it affects you.
I'd guess it will probably be a surgical procedure under general anaesthetic which will be less traumatic than other methods. Wishing you both the best x

Nope. She's 14. She's not mature enough or experienced enough to be able to make an informed choice. I am all about your body, your choice - but that's in the context of adult women. This is a child. Children don't get to make life changing choices for themselves. This is a parent's choice. Just as it would be if the child were undergoing a medical procedure - you have to be 16 to have full medical autonomy over your body.

The reality is a 14 year old is not physically nor emotionally ready to have a baby.

Teenage mothers have much higher rates of health complications than older mothers as their bodies are not primed for pregnancy. They are significantly much more likely to give birth pre term and to suffer from pre eclampsia, which can cause death to both the mother and the baby.

Carrying and giving birth to a baby at that age could cause permanent health problems. It's risky and not recommended.

Abortion is the only sensible choice for a 14 year old. Thank god we live in a country where that is possible.

OP, I know it’s really un-MNetty but I’m sending a massive hug

Other posters are right, time isn’t really on your side

Can I gently suggest that you power your way through the next few weeks as best as you can, but plan ahead and get some protected time in a few weeks where you can just collapse if you need to?

A huge shock. But as others have said time is not on your side.

If she is sure that is what she wants, then contact BPAS as soon as it opens tomorrow. They can offer appointments within 36 hrs. You haven't got time for GPs and referrals - you need to get it sorted sooner rather than later at 16 or worst case, scenario 18 weeks.

You CANT do that. You can’t encourage either option. What you do is give space and support (professional if needed) for her to make her own decision

Then don't have one.

For a 14 year old any reasonable person would be encouraging a termination. Not forcing but encouraging.

I'd also recommend BPAS, they are fast and brilliant - I didn't even consider the faff of going through my GP.

If a 14 year old is Gillick competent, and my understanding is that most 14 year olds would be for most things, then it’s her choice.

I would be deeply concerned about any parent forcing their daughter into an abortion against her wishes.

If she is 16 weeks and wants a termination please PLEASE try to arrange the surgical option for her with GA. Don’t allow anyone to give her too much detail as it could be absolutely traumatising for her . Anything over 10 weeks in my opinion should be surgical for anyone vulnerable which she is due to her young age

Just check if it is still the case that if she gives birth and doesn't want to keep the baby it might end up with the immediate family of the father as the 1st adoption choice.

(almost happened to a colleague's daughter)

They don't have to be rude and nasty!! It's quite shocking on a post this sensitive that so many posts have had to be deleted!

@reddevil83 nothing to add that hasn't already been said, but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have found yourself in this position. At least she knows what she wants to do and fwiw, I personally think she's far too young to be a mum.

Do you beleive in pro choice?
Because if you do it works both ways nobody should be forced. to continue a pregnancy against their wishes
But nobody should be forced into a termination either
In this r case it seems the Op,s daughter wants a termination and she should be supported in her decision.

I understand the point you are trying to make but in these situations it needs to be the choice of the pregnant girl/woman. Especially if as OP says she is in her second trimester. Professional support is needed and both choices set out equally to avoid future trauma or PTSD. This needs to be handled very carefully I know from bitter bitter experience.

That's not the case here. This child does not want the baby.

Which is almost certainly the sensible option - but that is her choice. The previous poster was saying she shouldn’t be allowed to make a choice.