14 year old DD pregnant

[reddevil83]

Found out today that my 14 year old DD is pregnant. DD doesn't want anyone to know so I have come on here as I just need someone to talk too.
I don't even know what to write on here I am so shocked.

@reddevil83 do not tell anyone else, not even family! she might decide to have an abortion so you need to support her the best you can. she needs to decide what to do for the best. try not to push her. defo dont tell anyone else, even her friends, because they will blab and if she has an abortion her reputation will be in the gutter, you need to try to keep that intact.

I know, I saw the update and edited my reply. If only I was as quick as you.

Ok so you have to look into her options with her

FIrst, tea.

Then a walk or a drive on your own for a bit - your head must be all over the place, OP, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

She'll need you calm and supportive; wig out or rail at the world here or out on your own so you've got your shit together when you are tyalking to her.

The main thing is that your daughter is OK. It's a shock, but it's happened now you will pull together to decide what happens next.

Best of luck and good wishes to you both.

Agreeed. Jog on @Hairycooter you douchebag

Sorry missed your update! Act quickly and give her lots of hugs and support ❤️

No. She doesn't know she's 16 weeks, she could easily be 18, 20, 26 weeks.

Also, not actually that easy to get a later abortion. Not nearly as easy as a medical one and she may not be able to be accommodated by local services and have to travel or go private. It's very location dependent because of suitability of facilities and availability of staff, and tight time limits.

No. She doesn't know she's 16 weeks, she could easily be 18, 20, 26 weeks.

Also, not actually that easy to get a later abortion. Not nearly as easy as a medical one and she may not be able to be accommodated by local services and have to travel or go private. It's very location dependent because of suitability of facilities and availability of staff, and tight time limits.

Well, she needs an emergency GP appointment tomorrow to get the process moving as quickly as possible.

It's 2024. Why would her reputation be in the gutter if she has a termination? I can hardly believe what I'm reading here. This child is 14.

Nothing to add to the many sensible and kind suggestions above, but for you. What a shock.

You sound really sensible and not panicky, which really will stand your dd in good stead. As others have said, you know you need to act quickly now. Lots of love, cuddles and telling your dd she’s brave for telling you. The contraceptive talk can wait until you’ve got the practicalities out of the way.

Shit. Will she come with you to the doctor urgently tomorrow to book in for a termination?

This OP, don't delay.
Your poor daughter must feel so scared, as must you.
Seek advice and support asap.
I wouldn't force any child to go through with any pregnancy.
She is so young.
Was it fully consensual?
Wishing you both the best.

Pls make a Drs appt 1st thing tmw, don't delay.

Your daughter isn’t the first or last teenage girl to be in this situation so although it’ll feel like a huge issue right now and probably the end of the world, it really isn’t and doctors have seen this many times before.

Stay calm, discuss options, support her decision and remember there is no blame on anyone here- you, her or the father xx

I think raising a child at such a young age would be really disruptive to her life, her education etc. she'll be stuck with the baby while her mates are partying and concentrating on exams. Other mums will be her new friends but most will be quite a bit older, so it will be very isolating.
I hope she strongly considers a termination. But I hope you and her can both seek counselling if you feel it will help you through it.

1. Move quickly. “About” 16 weeks could mean more…
2. Find out who the father is, as she is two years below being able to legally consent. Action may be required.

Get in touch with BPAS straight away, OP, if in the UK. They can arrange a termination very quickly, and it is easy before 18 weeks (slightly more surgical after but still straightforward) and they will do so with kindness and without judgement. They can also arrange for a contraceptive implant or similar if appropriate at the same time.

Thank goodness they exist.

www.bpas.org/contact-us/bpas-kent/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwhIS0BhBqEiwADAUhc2asY6XI84gSwaY_9HqZSv6qSPEdFFobn5a2qkCcrxAuWUyO8dNANxoC060QAvD_BwE

OP you need to get her to the abortion clinic ASAP. If she's not sure about how far along she is, she's in danger of being past the cut off. You need to act fast. You don't have time to be shocked or overwhelmed - you need to be the person taking charge here.

For people saying that she needs to talk through her options - I disagree. At 14, there is no option here but termination. She isn't old enough to understand what being a mother entails and she's also not old enough to be responsible for another human life. This is where the adults in her life need to step in, make the right choices for her, and then ensure she has support and education afterwards to ensure she is emotionally cared for and also that this doesn't happen again.

I would also make her tell you who the father is. This is a safeguarding issue. If the boy is 16 or older, then he has committed an offence in having sex with her. If he's the same age as her, he needs education. If they're at school together, you need to report this to the school safeguarding team so that they can support both of them. There also may have been coercion involved so I'd want to find out what the situation was and take steps to ensure this doesn't happen again - to your daughter, and/or to another teenage girl who enters a sexual relationship with the same boy.

I think the deleted poster's parents have failed more

OP - no advice, but sending empathy

Whatever the decision and what happens next try and get support/counselling for her that will work on helping her not feel shame about what's happened. These things happen and shame and secrets eat you up and can cause poor decision later to try and 'prove' things to others/control people opinions. The most important things are that she feels supported, doesn't feel alone and can feel all her feelings throughout this so they're not stored up for later. Best wishes to your family coping with this xx

Do you know if the father is of a similar age? Is there any chance she could have been abused/exploited?

She needs to see a GP asap, she is possibly at the point where she will have to give birth 😞, she could be pretty traumatised by what is to come.

What a shock for you, how are you holding up?

You’re getting great advice here OP.

agree that if sex was consensual and father of a similar age do NOT bring him or his family into any of it! Not his choice and he doesn’t get a say so I wouldn’t even think of opening that can of worms. It will only cause delay and worry.

Also - please don’t over play how big a deal this is - no one needs to feel bad about a termination. It doesn’t have to be a thing you dwell on for the rest of your life, it is a big deal of course but the whole situation is a big deal and she mustn’t feel shamed or reduced for making this mistake. She’s done the right thing coming to tell you while there is time to have choices.

once you’re through this bit then it’s time for serious discussions re future behaviour, risks, using protection, relationships etc etc.

and do take time for yourself to process it all. You sound calm and supportive but if you have a trusted person, or MN!, to let out your feelings then please use that.

It's 2024. Why would her reputation be in the gutter if she has a termination?

People are judgemental arseholes who treat other people’s experiences as fodder for gossip.