Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

No!

No don’t challenge her. She was saving face. Perhaps money is tight at the moment. Either way - charity os not something that you should force people to do or feel pressured into doing.

No. Forgive her.

No. It sounds like there’s quite a bit of social pressure to donate to a charity that relates to an interest of yours and maybe she just felt too uncomfortable to say she didn’t have the money or the inclination to do so. You’ve absolutely no right to say anything to her, you shouldn’t have queried her on it on the night out.

No, you shouldn’t say anything.

No I expect she just said it so she wasn't pressured to donate. Money is tight for a lot of people.

I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. I think this was out of order tbh.

Definitely don’t say anything. No one has to donate to anything and surely you can see why she wouldn’t have announced the fact during a social occasion. You were in the wrong to query it publicly in the first place.

You were very wrong to query her in the first place. Your friendship doesn’t mean it’s compulsory to donate. Presumably if you support each other through life’s ups and downs then she was supportive to you when this tragedy occurred. That should be enough.

Oh goodness, no don’t say anything. She’s may be struggling with the cost of living or may be she contributed with someone else and the donation is in their name. Or perhaps she just doesn’t want to contribute. Don’t embarrass her.

Why has this hurt you personally? It seems a kind of facing saving white lie 'nodding along'. That you then put her on the spot about - what did you expect her to say? It doesn't seem like the kind of thing you'd do to a friend - you usually try and protect them from embarrassment.

Why has it really hurt you?

This was an awkward position for her - what was she supposed to say? "I didn't donate because this cause isn't important enough to me" or "I couldn't afford to donate"? Neither would have led to a congenial night with friends. You were very much in the wrong here, OP.

Odd things hurt badly when you've been bereaved. Be kind to yourself but try to keep that away from her. A social white lie whrn you're embarrassed isn't great but doesn't invalidate her friendship. Maybe she will give in the future.

Sorry, everyone else is right here - you shouldn't have queried her not donating. Maybe she forgot, doesn't support the cause or didn't feel she could spare the money.

Definitely don't question it.

Thank you for your replies.

I should have said earlier that she isn't short of money and is always buying new clothes, going on holiday, etc.

She is my richest friend, yet the only one not to donate - and she lied about it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel a bit miffed!

Sorry but YABU.

Nobody is obliged to donate to anything and to put her on the spot, questioning it, is extremely rude.

I would have lied too, rather than explain in front of a group of people why I didn't donate!

You don't seem like a very nice friend!

Is it worth damaging a lifelong friendship over this??

You were incredibly rude to call her out on it publicly. Her response was clearly driven by the fact you'd put her on the spot. Being "rich" doesn't obligate her to donate to your cause. Maybe it's not a cause she supports, for whatever reason, and she didn't want to hurt you by saying so 🤷‍♀️

It doesn’t matter how rich she is. People are allowed to make their own choices about which charities they donate to. This charity is close to your heart but it might not be close to hers.

You don’t know how many other fundraising requests she receives from other friends, family members and colleagues. People have to draw the line somewhere.

If I thought you'd know how much I'd donated, but I still wanted to do it, I'd give directly to the charity. I'm really uncomfortable with Justgiving etc where the person initiating can check up and judge

Wow what a sense of entitlement you have.
Perhaps she doesn’t support the charity or thinks it’s badly run, or prefers to give to a different charity.
How would you feel if she made suggestions about how you ought to spend your money?

The richest are often the tightest when it comes to charity. Let it go and be glad you've friends who have donated.

Querying it in public was a disgraceful thing to do.

Why are you taking it so personally? Shes completely reasonable not to donate to any charity. Plenty people don't because they disagree with the aims of a charity or how much the ceo is on, or maybe she's had negative personal experience of the organisation. Either way it's none of your business and its not personal.

You should never have challenged her, especially not in front of others. She must’ve felt her support was expected and she was under scrutiny in that group.

Sorry your family has been hit by tragedy, and well done for your fundraising.