Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

Your coming across as quite entitled
you did fundraising for a charity you are close/involved in . She isn’t so why should anyone give anything ?
can’t stand people expecting money off others and that includes bloody live aid and the BBC CIN

Maybe, like me, she has specific charities that she donates to.

You were out of order OP. You don't sound like a very nice friend.

you don't have rights over her money. She knew you'd feel miffed so she has lied to try and stop this exact scenario. She might not want to support that charity but rather than have to justify herself on a social occasion she's lied. The fact you're reacting so strongly to it may give you a clue why she's lied.

I'd agree with the others that calling her out for not donating in public was really off.
I wonder whether if she had donated you'd have complained it wasn't enough because she's "rich".

Lots of charities can be a bit dodgy ( heard enough stories !) and although your one might not be , maybe she is thinking of the ones who are and decided that she didn't want to donate on this occasion and wasn't up front to you about it. Whatever her reasons though it's not for you to judge her actions.
Just because she ' has a few bob 'doesn't mean she has to give every time either.

Unless you've done an audit of her finances, you can't truly know her financial position - she might have debt that you don't know about, for example. In any event, it isn't your place to pass judgement on how she spends her money.

Of course, you aren't obliged to continue the friendship - anyone can end a friendship for any reason and that's fine - but it doesn't change the fact you were wrong to probe her on her donation, especially in front of others.

A final thought - if it's a national charity, how do you know she didn't donate to them direct, rather than through your fundraising page?

You were an awful friend to put her on the spot like that.
It’s none of your business what charities, and why, she chooses to support. Your expectations that she should donate to your chosen charity are bang out of order. It’s also no business if yours what else she chooses to spend her money on!

Wow entitlement and pressure that’s awful
is she actually your friend or just “rich” can be used? Why do you think she should have? I think you are bu for putting her on the spot publicly (or at all) and for judging her
whether she can afford to or not isn’t relevant she can do as she pleases and is entitled to!

I feel sorry for your friend tbh.
you sound a little bit envious of her & a bit desperate to catch her out at something.
If I found out my oldest friend was checking up on me like this I’d be ending the friendship.

If you mention it the friendship dynamics will change forever….there will be no going back…..she felt put on the spot ….she lied….no one died….move on…. Fine to feel miffed if that’s how you feel…..but no one should feel they have to donate….no matter if she’s rich or not…,,she may donate to other causes ….she may not…..not your business

I can see myself, meaning to donate, forgetting then panicking at being called out in a group of people and saying I had.

You don’t know why she didn’t donate and she probably felt a bit embarrassed in a group like that. Absolutely don’t raise it with her, I think querying her in front of others like you did was not nice

Would you like it if someone turned on you and asked how much you'd donated and then said it isn't enough

My friend is always fundraiser for a particular cause which has affected her family. I admire her so much!

Despite the fact that I drive a nice car, wear nice clothes and eat out etc, my two kids at nursery mean money is super super tight. No one would every really know this

Giving money to her cause each time means something else drops-a planned meal out in the month can't happen, i can't buy fancy dress for one of the kids for world book day etc

And friends all donate quite large amounts (£50+) so I feel embarrassed putting in anything less.

If I was called out in public I would probably quickly lie too as would be so embarrassed.

You really don't know what is going on behind the scenes OP and I think you shouldn't have pushed her in front of others about it

Should I say something?

No. Let it go.

It’s up to her wether she wants to donate or not. A lot of wealthy people are really stingey.

She probably feels a bit daft anyway knowing it’s a lie. I know I would. But let it go. This is such a minor issue.

Your still being unreasonable. And petty.

You don't know all the ins and outs of people's lives. You don't sound like much of a friend tbh

Either you or the charity aren't close to her heart....

It's lovely when people donate, but not donating is absolutely fine!

It's a horrendous amount of pressure if a friend asks you for money, and for whatever personal reason you don't give it - and then you pile on more pressure by querying it in front of a group?

You sound slightly self centered in your posts, which is completely understandable if you are recently bereaved, but repeated requests for money (no matter how good the cause) rarely go over well.

Why on earth would you query her about this in public? Or at all?

On a separate note, my oldest friend is not my closest friend. Far from it. Perhaps it’s the same here? You aren’t making yourself sound like a good friend on this thread. Maybe she sees that too.

I know it's hard when you're grieving but your friend hasn't done anything wrong.

I would just say "thank you everyone for all your support, it means a lot to me/my family" and leave it at that. It's not your place to judge who's donated what and how much and why.

Some of the replies ! Honestly it's her friend and she would know if money is tight
It's a lie
I so would ask her in private

Especially if it were a charity close to my heart

@PixiePromises. You need to reframe your reason for being miffed.

You feel your friend should support a charity because it’s important to you.
However it’s not important to your friend, that doesn’t mean she isn’t sympathetic to your personal tragedy.

You’re taking this too personally.

I have family that are keen to support a particular charity for personal reasons.
I don’t donate because I prefer to give to other charities regularly by s/o that I have chosen.
My exception is children being sponsored although that irks me at times.

Then you would be very wrong and probably lose a friend.