Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

Well that's the thing about charity, esp when the cause relates to your family. You lose a sense of perspective and take people's decisions personally.
There are causes that I don't donate to

I agree. Quite honestly, this makes me never want to donate to friends' charities if this is the kind of judgement thats going to happen. What next?- policing how much everyone has given because it's not enough and they just bought a new car so how dare they?

Bloody hell.

Wow just wow!

I give to my “pet” charity every month. On top of this, I can give a set amount to other charities, friends’ fundraisers, that kind of thing. If I’ve already donated that this month then someone asks for a donation, it’s all been given this month so it’s a no.

Perhaps your friend operates similarly

Me too. There should never be any pressure. Many people are struggling to pay the bills and simply don't have extra cash for these things. My bank account has been overdrawn for the last 2 weeks and I simply wouldn't have a penny to donate. None of my friends would be aware of this as on the surface we're very comfortably off.
You've already embarrassed her by calling her out. Now just leave it.

Hmmm....interesting one. I'm having to really think about what I would do here!!

On the one hand - personal tragedy aside - no one owes anyone a donation. Everyone has their cause. That said, I have never NOT donated to a close friend who is raising money for something I know matters to them. Even if it's just a fiver, it's more a gesture of how you love your friend, not the cause, right?

She shouldn't have lied about donating (IF she did) but we have all been in a situation where we have accidentally exaggerated/downplayed something and then you look back and are mortified. She likely went home and googled "can someone running a fundraiser see anonymous donators" or similar and now feels awful!

You should not have publicly queried it. I suspect you did it automatically - like how she possibly fibbed - but that wasn't cool. I think I would have done the same as you and then also felt pretty bad afterwards.

If it was a really, really good friend, who you are really close to I think I would have to discuss it or it would annoy me and fester. Plus there may be a genuine error here. So, on balance, I would approach her with kindness, and say something like:

"Hiya friend, you mentioned the other day that you donated anonymously, but I can see the names of anonymous donators and you aren't there. For what it's worth I absolutely do NOT want you to feel compelled to donate, but I'm also worried you've sent money to someone who isn't me. Just wanted to let you know so you could check! Equally if you just felt under pressure the other day in the conversation I 100% get it (and would probably have said the same)!"

Yep, it's a bit pass agg, but it's also a blunt instrument way to open up a conversation. But ONLY if you two are genuinely close and will be able to laugh about it. If not, just leave it.

I know LOADS of people are going to disagree with me on this, and the wise advice would probably be to drop it, but for me that would create a bit of a weird crack in a friendship and I'm a believer in confronting stuff head on so you have all the information. Only you know the dynamic of the friendship and whether you can be this blunt. With my best mates we could - we would discuss and ultimately laugh - but every friendship is different.

Good luck.

The OP should never have put her in the situation of having to justify something she did or didn’t do. This is an issue with people who fund raise, especially for causes close to their heart. As in there is an obvious emotional element to the fund raising. Charities know this and exploit it. People are obligated to give money to friends especially when there is an emotional element. It’s impossible not to go along with it whether you like it or not.

Most people who want to do this, take out the element of coercion involved in asking people to donate. At the very least they can’t check to see who has or hasn’t donated. It was far worse when you had a page shoved in your face with an expectation of a pledge.

She may have her own reason for it not being a charity close to her heart, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. There are several I wouldn't give a penny to but if a friend was one of their fundraisers I wouldn't rub it in their face.

Some of the replies ! Honestly it's her friend and she would know if money is tight

No, she really wouldnt. There have been times in my life when I was struggling but people did not know - not everyone goes around talking about their debt because it's embarrassing. You might think you know someone's finances but thats merely an assumption you are making, it doesnt mean you know 100% unless you have gone though their bank statements with a fine tooth comb.

I have a friend who is very wealthy compared to me and she is very clear why she doesn't donate to charities. ( I don't want to elaborate on here why) I still donate despite her opinions. Another friend donates to her chosen charity which I don't donate to, these are our personal preferences. I wouldn't challenge either of them on it. As it's a personal reason to you I can see why you're miffed but we don't get to dictate others choices on this. If you challenge her you run the risk of creating an issue with your life long friend, only you know whether that is worth that risk.

What concerns me here is that you seem so certain that she hasn't donated anonymously, so you must have checked up on the names of all the anonymous donors (which seems inappropriate anyway as they have donated on the basis of remaining anonymous) and you have purposely looked for her name? This sounds like you are deliberately checking up on her. It seems like you already don't trust your friend and I wonder why?
Aside from that, it does seem that she was part of the fundraising group, so she has helped in the fundraising in some way, if that is right then she has contributed hasn't she, maybe not by donating but by giving her time, so maybe think about that before you ruin a friendship by confronting her.

Perhaps she donated direct to the charity as opposed to the fund raising platform. I will not donate to any go fund me etc as a percentage goes to the platform.

I have a just giving page live atm, I did a charity event at the weekend, and if people donate anonymously I cant see who they are and if they choose to hide the amount donated, I dont get to see that either so I find it strange that the OP says she can

Im just bloody grateful for every single penny, be it the big sums from businesses or the handful of coppers from the bottom of the handbag

Oh dear, no. I wouldn't. There could be a number of reasons why - maybe she meant to and never got round to it, maybe money was tight, maybe it's a charity that she disagrees with even though she knows you care about it (for example, I don't donate to research charities as I don't agree with research on animals). I would just forgive her and say no more.

I personally WOULD say something. She could, being a good friend, explain that money is tight and hopefully she'll be able to contribute something later on. She shouldn't have lied about it. That's not on :(

What concerns me here is that you seem so certain that she hasn't donated anonymously, so you must have checked up on the names of all the anonymous donors (which seems inappropriate anyway as they have donated on the basis of remaining anonymous)

Yeah, this makes me really uncomfortable too. Why are you going through checking who has donated and who hasn't?

YABU and your entitlement is staggering. Just because she’s your “richest friend” and her money by the way is absolutely none of your business - doesn’t give you the right to expect her donate. What other people do is their business and theirs only. They could bankrupt themselves to donate to your charity if they wish but that has no bearing on anyone else. You sound like a very judgmental friend. That’s besides the fact you’ve put her in a very awkward and embarrassing position which is why I would imagine that she has lied to you. You’re supposed to be her friend of 40 years and you’ve made a thread about her behind her back and offered up all sorts of judgement about her. In her mind she’s probably got the measure of you after so many years of knowing you and thinks God knows what other people would say about her judging by your standards. You wrongly forced her hand. I would be absolutely livid.

Typical lying stingy rich. About time she is brought down a peg or too. I can't stand these dishonest women.

Stop questioning her.
Quite frankly I’m sick of constantly being asked to give more for this that and the other.
Hardly a week goes by without someone raising money for X, or it’s Ys 39th birthday, then A 55th birthday. Someone’s child wants their holiday of a lifetime paying for on the guise of being ‘for charity.’ Friends doing a fabulous experience and wanting me to subsidise it so they can give the money to X charity.
Lets all bake a cake at work for free- taking up my free time and costing a fortune.
I’m fed up with it all.
I chaired a local PTA for years and did it all for free, never claimed one single penny in expenses.
I do give to charity but I pick and chose.
Quite frankly I go on lots of holidays too, it’s why I often work 7 days a week.
I do not work 7 days a week to fritter my wages away.
Leave your friend alone. You have no idea what she closes to spend her money on and it’s none of your business.

No, you shouldn’t have queried her either. My oldest friend is ways doing things for charity close to her heart. I think she’s amazing for it but I always feel pushed to give money which is tight for me at the moment (I also don’t think she should feel she has to give her money away even if she’s not strapped for cash).
She was saving face and I think that’s understandable as people are always asking for money and it’s incredibly hard to say no, especially to a friend.

Dude.

This.

Im a Governor at a local school I currently have £1.27 in my bank account. It’s a role I do unpaid and have given many many hours to the school. Yesterday I was sent an email asking for £20 minimum as the clerk to the governors is retiring - to buy her theatre vouchers, I just can’t afford it and in my mind the school should get stuff not volunteers. You called her out at the time - mortifying for her

You are probably putting too much pressure on this , esp if always talking about it in group settings ! Don’t say anything to her and don’t keep talking about it so ppl feel obligated to donate or save face

Quite frankly I’m sick of constantly being asked to give more for this that and the other
Hardly a week goes by without someone raising money for X, or it’s Ys 39th birthday, then A 55th birthday. Someone’s child wants their holiday of a lifetime paying for on the guise of being ‘for charity.’ Friends doing a fabulous experience and wanting me to subsidise it so they can give the money to X charity
I am also fed up with it. I give to the charities of my choice by monthly direct debit. I save the rest for things I like to do to make life enjoyable like holidays etc. I also volunteer. If someone judges me on that they can fuck right off. If I gave to everything anyone ever asked me I would literally have no savings left as the requests are constant.

So did you go through every donation to see which of your friends gave you money and which didn’t?!

It’s very distasteful to talk about who donated while all together in person, of course she lied as it is embarrassing.

unless you have access to all her bank statements you know nothing. She might buy everything on credit and be shitloads in debt.

If you don’t respect her now for not donating then that’s on you but she’s done nothing wrong.

This! This is not ok behaviour. Did you have a checklist?!