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Original poster

Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

402 replies

PixiePromises · 26/06/2024 06:41

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

OP posts:
ohtowinthelottery · 26/06/2024 08:05

I often sponsor friends and acquaintances but I only do it when they are raising money for charities that I want to support and definitely not ones where they are doing something that I don't think is an actual challenge for them. I would be extremely miffed if someone challenged my lack of sponsorship for their cause.

ForGreyKoala · 26/06/2024 08:08

No, just let it go. It doesn't matter how wealthy she is, or what she spends her money on, she isn't obliged to donate just because you are her friend. You should never have questioned her in the first place. She no doubt felt uncomfortable at the talk about how much was raised, you should have just left it at that rather than put her on the spot.

YourNimblePeachTraybake · 26/06/2024 08:08

I can't believe you thought it reasonable to query this in public!

CowTown · 26/06/2024 08:08

Being affluent doesn’t mean that you have to donate. Perhaps she has a monthly budget, like many of us do, with a specific amount set aside for charities. So what if she has nice holidays? That will come from her holiday budget. Her clothes will come from her clothing budget. I give my whole monthly charity budget to one specific charity each month. If someone queried this and threw my last holiday in my face, I’d be pretty miffed because that holiday came from my monthly holiday savings. Her household budget is not your business, no matter how “rich” you think she is.

SanctusInDistress · 26/06/2024 08:10

What people do with their money is their own business. If you are putting a monetary value on her friendship then she’s better off without you I’d say!

TimeandMotion · 26/06/2024 08:11

People are missing that the woman said unprompted by OP that she had given money.
Who knows what motivated that- maybe she just wanted to fit in, maybe she forgot that she had started the Just Giving form then got distracted before clicking “complete”, maybe she realised she’d forgotten but planned to go home and do it straight away, maybe she donated to the same charity via a different route.

Nonetheless it was very bad form to have challenged her on it. Charity donation or not is a personal choice that does not have to be justified. No good will come of mentioning this again.

Perplexed20 · 26/06/2024 08:14

PixiePromises · 26/06/2024 07:01

Thank you for your replies.

I should have said earlier that she isn't short of money and is always buying new clothes, going on holiday, etc.

She is my richest friend, yet the only one not to donate - and she lied about it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel a bit miffed!

It is.

swayingpalmtree · 26/06/2024 08:16

The thing is- you really dont know what her finances are like. I know people going on holidays, have the latest gadgets etc and are up to their ears in debt as its all on credit card.

You brought it up in public and she probably felt obliged to say she donated to save face. Even if she is rich, it doesnt matter, she isnt obliged to donate to any charity if she doesnt want to.

I have felt pressured in the past to donate to charities I didnt want to and I just superficially agreed I'd do it and then never did. Frankly, I resent being pressured into giving money as it should be freely given and not expected. I do give to charity regularly but it's the charities that mean a lot to me personally and that doesnt make me a bad person just because I dont give to every charity or cause that people ask me to. If I did that, I'd be giving out constantly every single week as there are always multiple requests from SM or work etc.

YABU to be upset about this- her finances are absolutely none of your business and she has the right to choose who she gives money to. Let this go- no good will come of hanging on to this and having an issue about it. She's been a good friend to you and thats the most important thing here.

autienotnaughty · 26/06/2024 08:16

It was rude of you to call her out in front of everyone. She probably just felt awkward

It's also rude to expect everyone to donate it's a request not a requirement

Janehasamane · 26/06/2024 08:16

Why did you query it, how rude.

TheDefiant · 26/06/2024 08:17

I used to have a CAF account. I often supported friend's fundraising via that. However I gave directly to the charity. There are so many ways your friend could have supported your favourite cause without going via the donation page.

A donation is a gift, not an obligation.

You have been rude and unreasonable.

TinyYellow · 26/06/2024 08:19

I don’t think OP did anything wrong by challenging a lie when it was told. The friend didn’t need to say she had donated. No one asked her until she decided to offer the lie up for herself. Obvious lies deserve to be challenged.

I don’t think OP has the right to expect anyone to donate no matter how well off she perceives them to be but if the friend didn’t want to be challenged she shouldn’t have lied in the first place.

TiddlyCove · 26/06/2024 08:20

TimeandMotion · 26/06/2024 08:11

People are missing that the woman said unprompted by OP that she had given money.
Who knows what motivated that- maybe she just wanted to fit in, maybe she forgot that she had started the Just Giving form then got distracted before clicking “complete”, maybe she realised she’d forgotten but planned to go home and do it straight away, maybe she donated to the same charity via a different route.

Nonetheless it was very bad form to have challenged her on it. Charity donation or not is a personal choice that does not have to be justified. No good will come of mentioning this again.

OP said her friend 'nodded along' during a general conversation. That's not the same as announcing umprompted 'I've donated £100'.

andyourpointiswhat · 26/06/2024 08:20

Guilting people into donating to your pet charity is not on, no matter how close it is to your heart other people can make their own decisions about who to give money to and you probably have no idea about who else she might be donating to - most people who give keep quiet about it. You shouldn’t have questioned her in front of other people, that was totally out of order, not surprised she fibbed. I would imagine she isn’t very happy with you today either.

UniversalAunt · 26/06/2024 08:20

YABU.

It Is her money & she does as she wishes.

Maybe she already donates to a charitable cause that means something to her, or has donated to your charity of choice at a national level?

Say no more to her about this.

DoreenonTill8 · 26/06/2024 08:20

FittyForForty · 26/06/2024 07:04

Sorry but YABU.

Nobody is obliged to donate to anything and to put her on the spot, questioning it, is extremely rude.

I would have lied too, rather than explain in front of a group of people why I didn't donate!

You don't seem like a very nice friend!

Is it worth damaging a lifelong friendship over this??

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely, what you're basically saying is 'give me your money, you shouldn't spend it on what you want. Give it to me now!'

camelofdestiny · 26/06/2024 08:20

How do you know she didnt donate to the charity directly? just because she didnt donate via your personal fundraising page doesnt mean she hasn't given to that charity and you are going to look petty AF if you question her on this. It will come across as really really rude and confrontational.

Lots of people feel uncomfortable donating where the fundraiser can see the amount due to feeling judged or whatever (and clearly she's right isnt she?!) so some people give directly to the charity itself where noone knows them.

Movinghouseatlast · 26/06/2024 08:21

No you shouldn't. You shouldn't have challenged her either.

I'm sorry you have had a loss, but it really is up to people how much they give to charity and which charities they give to. Nobody should feel pressured to give.

I have chosen the charities I give to and I can't afford to give beyond that.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 26/06/2024 08:21

MiddleParking · 26/06/2024 06:46

No. It sounds like there’s quite a bit of social pressure to donate to a charity that relates to an interest of yours and maybe she just felt too uncomfortable to say she didn’t have the money or the inclination to do so. You’ve absolutely no right to say anything to her, you shouldn’t have queried her on it on the night out.

This!

LazyGewl · 26/06/2024 08:22

What sort of friend are you that you even have to ask this question? Of course you don’t ask her. It is humiliating. Be a friend. Have some compassion.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 26/06/2024 08:22

Well that's the thing about charity, esp when the cause relates to your family. You lose a sense of perspective and take people's decisions personally.
There are causes that I don't donate to. There are modes of giving that I won't do ( teenagers off to work in an elephant sanctuary in Thailand and similar).
You have to accept that there are thousands of charities, and hundreds of asks and life is busy. Calling people out is unkind and unfair.

countcalculia · 26/06/2024 08:22

Don’t call her out on it but reassess the dynamic in your friendship.

Are you the one treating her to coffees or lunch or gifts more than her?

Do you donate to her causes?

Do you have her round more and cook for her?

Scale back those things.

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 26/06/2024 08:23

On most the platforms there are two types of anonymous, one where the public can't see and one where the organiser can't see either.

CocoapuffPuff · 26/06/2024 08:24

It was really rude to question her in public. Its totally irrelevant how much money she has. Its hers. You have absolutely no right to claim any of her money for your pet charity. You put her in a really uncomfortable position and need to back off now.

DoreenonTill8 · 26/06/2024 08:24

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!
Thanks for making that clear @PixiePromises I hadn't realised and have used it before when I'd wanted to donate but been ashamed about how much I could afford, I suppose I won't even do this in future, in case those who I donate to are as judgy and grabby as you are and I'll just donate to my chosen charity.