Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

Your jealousy and nastiness is showing dear, you might want to put it away. “Brought down a peg or two” I think you mean. For what, not parting with HER money which is absolutely nothing to do with anyone else? There are plenty of reasons why people wouldn’t want to donate to charity, one perfectly acceptable reason being that they just don’t want to. Just because someone buys themselves clothes and goes on holiday it doesn’t make them minted and even if she were, it’s up to her whether she donates or not. A real friend wouldn’t try and pressurise and embarrass someone into giving money when they don’t want to. Thats called manipulation and is a much bigger crime than being tight.

This is irrelevant.

I’m financially comfortable. I give a lot to charity and also do a lot of volunteering. But I never give to large national charities where a huge percentage of donations goes to administration, advertising or reserves. It wouldn’t matter if my best friend was running a marathon for Cancer Research, I still wouldn’t donate. I prefer to focus my donations on small, local charities.

It is no business of yours what your friend spends her money on and you were wrong to challenge her.

You were wrong to try and shame her for not donating.
I donate money to a charity that matters to me. I don't give money to everyone who asks.

Goodness op, have a word with yourself. It was incredibly out of order to put her on the spot like that, awful.
Her being rich, what does that have to do with anything ? Maybe she doesn't want to? Or doesn't support that charity.

Maybe she donated to the charity directly rather than through your fundraiser.

Maybe she has quietly donated previously and considers she has done her bit.

Maybe she can't bankroll every fundraiser people expect of her "because she is rich".

Maybe she objects to being strong-armed into donating purely because her oldest friend expects her to and is now monitoring donations specifically looking for hers, and she is refusing on principle.

Maybe she just doesn't want to.

All of the above are okay.

After five years of a subset of the school mums in DD year going off on jollies I've had to put my foot down.

Up to three times a year they go on extensive hikes and trips, leaving us to help collect their kids and do club runs while they fundraise for one of the top 3 charities.

I've stopped now as it was a constant ask from their team Facebook page. If they audit me I couldn't give a hoot. I have my own causes I support without pushing down the throats of others.

It's one thing if a friend say refused to give you a tenner to get home when you're stuck somewhere and they have it. This is not that.

Just because the charity is close to your heart, OP, doesn’t mean it’s close to your friend’s. Maybe she gives/has given money to other charities she feels strongly about and believes that’s enough. Even if this isn’t the case, she is well within her rights not to give money to your preferred charity and it’s understandable that she wouldn’t want to admit this when everyone else was making a big thing out of the level of donations. I honestly would just leave it and not say anything.

There are charities I absolutely will never donate to again due to their manipulative tactics. I used to donate to one particular famous one and had to reduce my monthly amount due to finances being tight and they were so rude to me and started questioning me about how much I really loved my family if I was going to reduce the amount and pressuring me to increase it even though I wasn’t bloody working at the time! It was vile and I made a complaint and they did apologise.

I will never donate to that charity ever again and it doesn’t matter if my oldest best friend was fundraising for them, they aren’t getting a penny from me after that shitshow.

Sorry for your loss OP.
Great idea to do some fundraising.

However you can't expect everyone to donate. No matter how rich. If anyone should be offended it's her not you.

And you don't know if she perhaps went in with a pal after trying to support your charity by showing her the page and the pal put in a tenner online and she says "make it twenty and I'll give you this tenner cash just now" or whatever, thereby making a donation but it showing under someone else's name.

With friends like you, OP.....

I get that it might be slightly disappointing but why are you so hurt OP? Friend is not obliged to donate to your charity and it's hardly the lie of the century. She was probably embarrassed to be put on the spot. And agree with PP that you sound entitled by saying that she's your richest friend and therefore implying that she must donate.

There are charities that I will not donate to. Nothing to do with fundraising techniques-just don't agree with their aims and how w they spend the money. I might very well lie if challenged publicly about it- I'd rather do that than have a fruitless debate.

Same here. I am financially comfortable but there are charities I wont donate to for similar reasons but I do give to others. I'd probably just lie about it too- much easier than having a heated debate with people trying to convince me I'm wrong. I wont change my mind so no point in debating it or causing bad feelings for others who are donating.

She didn't bother to donate to a fundraiser by her best friend for something she knew meant a lot to you. Then lied about it. Assuming it's not a charity that someone might object to, it's utterly shitty behaviour. I can completely understand why you feel upset by it.

Do not challenge her. You were very wrong to put her on the spot and she probably made up the story to cover any awkwardness . You don’t know why she didn’t donate. It’s her choice and you should not make people feel obliged to give.

No, she prob felt awkward. It’s a bit odd but I’m sure no malice intended. People should not feel pressured to donate and maybe in the moment she did.

Yabvu.

There should never have been a situation where she had to lie. You should never have queried, or brought up the topic where people felt obliged to say "i donated"

I'm sorry for your loss OP

I have a 'charity budget' each month which is for a regular monthly small direct debit to my chosen charity and what I give to my church. I belong to a small social group and recently, one of the ladies sent us all links to her 'Just Giving' page for a charity run she was doing. I am on a tight budget and hadn't planned to donate but in the end, felt awkward as all the others had done a public donation, so gave £10. At the meeting after the charity run, the organiser said a 'thanks everyone for your support, just to let you all know, I'm going in for <the next charity run in....>'. The second run has been and gone - I didn't donate as I can't afford to and also I didn't want to.

Oh OP. You're getting such a hard time. I assume you've checked out of the thread but if you're still reading I want to say your feelings are valid. PP are correct in the points that have been repeatedly made. But it's still natural that it stings that she chose not to donate to a charity that's very close to your heart after what you've been through, and then took the social credit for donating anyway despite not doing so. I think most people would feel how you're feeling.

She’s a friend of 40 years’ standing, yet your first assumption is that she’s deliberately lying? It could be as simple as her thinking “Shit, I forgot to do that” and saying she donated anonymously to cover herself. Personally I’d have just said sorry, I completely forgot and donated later, but sometimes people feel put on the spot.

It certainly isn’t worth damaging four decades of friendship over.

I think you were wrong to question her. She may have had a good reason for not donating (there are causes I won't donate to), or she may have intended to but forgotten. Her 'lie' was public face-saving, and also to show that in general she supports you. It really is not an issue unless you make it one.

I wonder if you are projecting your feelings If she hasn’t contributed do you feel that she is somehow lessening the tragedy you’ve had and by not contributing has made you feel more upset about the event.
From personal experience I’ve found that raising money for a charity doesn’t lessen the grief but it was a useful short term distraction.

You are not her friend. Mind your own business.

What do you hope to get out of confronting her? Maybe she was embarrassed that she couldn’t afford to donate and was trying to save face.

Unless you want to jeopardise a friendship then I wouldn’t bother. I’m not even sure why you quickly went to try and verify whether she’d donated, seems a bit weird 🙄

God no. I wouldn’t have lied about it, but I don’t donate to charity just because a friend wants me to. I make my own choices.