Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

She lied in the spur of the moment and you reacted similarly. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I agree with everyone who says charity support is a personal choice so I would leave it there.

she could have forgotten, done it wrong, sent it to the wrong charity - a hundred different reasons. She then chose to lie to cover her embarrassment.
I'd let her off

This! You were so rude!

and again
why should anyone donate unless they want to the word is donate not a demand @Amy8

Does she also know how many other people have asked her to donate to their pet causes and charities and at what levels? The thing about earning more than average is that everyone who knows you expects that you will donate to their cause and at very high levels and if you don’t for whatever reason the “stingy” label someone applied above comes out!

I think OP is being unreasonable. I lost a close family member to cancer a few years ago and have since done 3 fundraising events for her particular form of cancer (two runs and one birthday just giving). All 3 raised more than I expected (about £750 each time) and whilst I was touched every time I got a notification that a friend had donated or a message of support from them it did not ever occur to me to monitor who had donated and who had not, much less dunn the wealthier ones to donate. That’s a sure fire way to lose friendships for no benefit to the charity.

"and again
why should anyone donate unless they want to the word is donate not a demand @Amy8"

They shouldn't have to and no one is obliged to
But done barefaced lie to make yourself look charitable

Feel sorry for your friend being put on the spot like that in front of everyone. YABVU

I never donate to charity fundraisers that other people do, only directly to the charities I choose to support

Money is tight as I work part-time, and there is always someone at work doing a fundraising activity and asking for donations so I just ignore all of them.

The point is people don't have to donate so you should never have that expectation, but I agree she should not have pretended to have done so.

Ask to see her bank account from where she supposedly transferred the money.

I hate this, feeling compelled to donate, or sponsor people for some or other stunt for charity. Your friend might be "rich" but how do know she doesn't make donations to charities close to her heart?

Jesus Christ. This is insanity.

The fact you checked up on her is weird in itself. Maybe she can't afford it. Whatever the reason it's really none of your business and you are being very, very unreasonable to even consider challenging her.

Asking if someone's donated to a particular thing is really quite rude, as is following up the initial question with a challenge.

Maybe she donated, maybe not. It's her choice and there's no reason to make it into an argument or a source of embarrassment.

For all you know, she could have had a bad experience with that charity which means she wouldn't feel comfortable donating to it, or the donation might have gone through under a different name, or any number of different things could have happened. Rather than focusing on the one person who you think may not have donated, focus on how lots of people did donate and that money will help a charity that's important to you.

lol! Don't go giving the OP ideas - she would probably do this!

Good lord, why are you even asking her? It's none of your business

😂

You were astonishingly rude to question her..... especially in front of other people!

You have no idea what other charities she may donate to, other fundraisers she has supported, or her personal finances. This cause is close to your heart but whatever her reasons, she chose not to donate and that is fine. It is extremely entitled of you to expect otherwise.

I can totally see how put on the spot/in a social situation she wouldn't want to explain why she didn't donate. If I were one of the other friends and I'd heard you query her like that I'd be shocked at your lack of manners tbh.

Where do you get that the friend was put on the spot? There's nothing suggesting she felt forced to claim to have made a donation. She could have just kept quiet.

She may give to lots of other charities. Though this sounds awful she might not want to support the charity you chose.

One of my family members recently set up a fundraiser for a national charity and I had a load of faff trying to give (it kept saying my email address was already linked to an account I must have previously created). Long story short, I ended up giving directly to the charity through their website.

But in short, no, leave your friend alone. She might have had money issues that you don't know about.

I hate fundraisers between friends, it’s like an obligation. Keep your fundraising away from friends/family, it’s not fair to put them on the spot for cash, regardless of how rich you think they are.

GDPR for Charities - The Complete Guide | DataGuard

Should you be telling people you know they have not donated?

Sounds like you could be in breach of GDPR

Honestly there are so many things to give money to, I am broke asf so I don't donate to anyone's fundraising anymore because I simply can't afford it. My child also comes home with sponsor forms a lot so I have to donate to that (single parent with no family), it's relentless. And just because someone doesn't look short of money doesn't mean they aren't struggling.

Also just because the charity is important to you it doesn't have to be important to others, they may support other charities. I think you were rude to call her out tbh in public. I

Exactly.

You've been monitoring who has given, and presumably the amount. So she'd have been wise to donate directly to the cause to save any judgment.

Besides, it's more cost effective to donate directly as it saves just giving (or the equivalent platform) fees.

Or maybe she has a CAF account and gave via that.

Or maybe she had spent her giving budget for the month.

Or maybe she had another, private, reason for not giving on this occasion.

If I were your friend, I'd be incredibly hurt/miffed at being challenged during a friendly get together.