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Friend has dropped me since I told her I am to have a grandchild

176 replies

Helensburghmiddleagedmum · 11/06/2024 16:10

Just as it says in the title, my closest friend who I see at least once a week and am in contact with by phone and messenger has dropped me like a ton of bricks now that I am to have a grandchild.

To give you a bit of background, she is 10 years older me and has two sons who both still live at home with her and her husband (they are 35 and 37) and have never had a relationship. She thinks this is wonderful, they are all so independent she says, they all contribute, help with paying the council tax, doing a share of the cooking etc. She has always said she is glad she won't have grandchildren as she doesn't want the responsibility. I have always said to her that I would love grandchildren and that I think that both of my sons would love a family.

Anyway, one of my son's and his partner are 20 weeks pregnant and I told my friend the good news over a week ago. We were at another event together on Sunday and I announced my good news to our mutual group of friends and my friend just got up, walked away from the table, and didn't come back for 15 minutes.

I suspect she is jealous, that she does really want grandchildren and that she is upset. I have been waiting for her to message me, like she always does, at the beginning of the week, for us to get together later in the week for a coffee/lunch. She is retired and is busy doing other things so our arrangement is that she lets me know when suits her. But, this week there is nothing.

So, what do I do? Do I contact her or is that putting her under pressure when she doesn't actually want to see me at the moment? Or do I leave her for a while to get used to the news?

OP posts:
Holliegee · 11/06/2024 16:17

You phone her and act like nothing has changed, if as you suspect the baby news has thrown her off kilter then try not to talk about it too much and keep your friendship on the level it was before.

FairyRings · 11/06/2024 16:18

Of course she’s jealous and 35 and 37 year olds living at home are not independent no matter what she says. If she can’t put her jealousy aside and wish you well then I’m sorry but she is no friend.

Congratulations by the way 🌺

MindatWork · 11/06/2024 16:19

Did she say congratulations when you shared your news or did she literally get
up and walk off?

I think saying she’s ‘dropped you’ is a bit much - I was expecting more from your title than one instance of not messaging you.

It’s not great if she really is ignoring you but I would maybe drop her a line and ask if she wants to meet up as usual. Perhaps her talk about being pleased that her sons live at
home is her trying to cover her disappointment.

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Hotttchoc · 11/06/2024 16:19

I think she's jealous

Try her again and don't go on about the grandchild

MsSorrento · 11/06/2024 16:24

Could it be the thinly veiled superiority dripping from your second paragraph that could be behind your "friend " avoiding you?

Amendment · 11/06/2024 16:26

'Jealous' seems like a catty thing to say. Upset that her sons haven't left home and found relationships, perhaps? Struggling with the sudden realisation that she's worried about them? Suddenly aware she would love a grandchild?

These all seem like distinct possibilities if someone bolts off when someone announces a bit of news. I would have expected someone who describes this person as their best friend to be a lot more compassionate and understanding?

But you sound a bit melodramatic, OP. She hasn't, from what you say, 'dropped you like a ton of bricks' at all. You told her the news just over a week ago, and she hasn't been in touch since -- that's hardly 'dropping someone', that's at least as likely to be 'possibly taking some time to process'.

Why not contact her and suggest a coffee? That is, if you do value your best friend?

FatmanandKnobbin · 11/06/2024 16:26

If one of my friends announced their son and his partner were pregnant I would probably excuse myself for a few minutes too tbh, as I would if a man announces "we're pregnant", I wouldn't want to ruin the announcement with my inevitable 'WTF' face. It's one of my pet hates (and I know I'm not alone in that).

The only way you'll find out what's going on is if you message her. If she ignores you then I would leave it as she obviously has her reasons. Pregnancy can be a tricky time for many people for various reasons.

Zombella · 11/06/2024 16:27

Sounds like it's only been a week. Wait a while and give her time. If you've not heard from her after two weeks, give her a call and ask her how she's doing.

RedRobyn2021 · 11/06/2024 16:29

FatmanandKnobbin · 11/06/2024 16:26

If one of my friends announced their son and his partner were pregnant I would probably excuse myself for a few minutes too tbh, as I would if a man announces "we're pregnant", I wouldn't want to ruin the announcement with my inevitable 'WTF' face. It's one of my pet hates (and I know I'm not alone in that).

The only way you'll find out what's going on is if you message her. If she ignores you then I would leave it as she obviously has her reasons. Pregnancy can be a tricky time for many people for various reasons.

When a man says "we're pregnant" it's so gross I hate that too

No "we" aren't, you are a man

Wry · 11/06/2024 16:29

Or maybe you could wonder if she's upset not because she's 'jealous' but because she has genuine concerns about her sons' futures, or is struggling with the impact having them living at home is having on her retirement plans, or because there's something else entirely different going on, possibly something health related?

Slugsandsnailsresidehere · 11/06/2024 16:30

I'd have rung her before now to ask if she was okay as she walked out. You suspect she's not ok, but it would have been kind of you to ask her if you're friends. Yes she's probably jealous and been hiding it whilst you talk about your DC, but if you're really good friends you need to have a chat about how to move forward. Ring her.

RedRobyn2021 · 11/06/2024 16:30

OP with you're friend perhaps she is jealous and just upset but she hasn't done anything to deserve your contempt

Be good friend and considerate of her feelings, act like nothing is wrong and ask HER for lunch, then try not to go on about your impending grandchild too much

evtheria · 11/06/2024 16:32

Nothing in your original post says she's actually been obnoxious or even 'boastful' (being proud is ok!) about her sons etc... and as obv she was very shocked/upset by your news, I think I'd worry that maybe she's been putting on a brave act all the time, and really wishes for her sons to be in relationships, or in their own homes, or with kids...?

Is she a good friend? I'd hope she could gather herself and come to be happy for me, but I would also hope that in this situation I would be a kind friend too.

Lavender14 · 11/06/2024 16:32

Your friend has been trying to talk herself around her sons 'failures to launch' and it sounds like your lovely news has just reminded her on the bits of life that she might not get to experience.

I'd phone her, and check in and arrange to meet as normal. Leave the baby chat to a minimum and let her bring it up.

IncompleteSenten · 11/06/2024 16:32

Contact her with a normal message, suggesting coffee and making no mention of her walking off or anything.

How (or if) she replies will guide you how to proceed from there

LakeTiticaca · 11/06/2024 16:33

How rude of her to walk off. Maybe if your friend had done more to encourage the cutting of the apron strings years ago she might be a proud granny by now. Instead she got 2 overgrown kids still living with mummy and daddy

Nouvellenovel · 11/06/2024 16:35

Your friend may have genuinely felt happy with her family set up until you announced you are going to be a grandparent.

And in that instant the realisation that actually having married sons and grandchildren is what she really would like may have taken her unawares.
Give her time.
And keep communication open.

LilacK · 11/06/2024 16:38

Maybe she's been putting a brave face on stuff, but your announcement caught her off guard and she had to leave before her brave face crumbled and ruined it for you, and embarrassed her. If that's the case, just give her a bit of time to compose herself.

You did nothing wrong btw, how were you to know.

YellowHairband · 11/06/2024 16:41

FatmanandKnobbin · 11/06/2024 16:26

If one of my friends announced their son and his partner were pregnant I would probably excuse myself for a few minutes too tbh, as I would if a man announces "we're pregnant", I wouldn't want to ruin the announcement with my inevitable 'WTF' face. It's one of my pet hates (and I know I'm not alone in that).

The only way you'll find out what's going on is if you message her. If she ignores you then I would leave it as she obviously has her reasons. Pregnancy can be a tricky time for many people for various reasons.

Edited - apologies, I misunderstood you.

Helensburghmiddleagedmum · 11/06/2024 16:44

Thanks everyone for the advice which I have taken on board and I have just sent her a message asking how things are and if she wants to meet later in the week for coffee/lunch. No mention of baby and obviously if we do meet up I won't mention anything about the baby.

BTW, no she didn't say congratulations when I told her she just looked at me blankly and changed the subject to something else so I didn't mention anything else about the baby until Sunday when we were with mutual friends who didn't know. It was when I told them that she immediately stood up and walked away and didn't come back for 15 minutes. She really is very happy that her two sons still live at home as they pay the council tax and they all take a turn cooking and she loves having them around. Maybe I shouldn't have suggested she was jealous, maybe she isn't jealous at all and she could just find it irritating. I don't know. What I do know is that it is completely out of character for her to not be in touch at the beginning of the week to arrange meeting up. But I have taken on board your suggestions and I have messaged her so I will see how she responds and take it from there.

Thanks again everyone for your help!

OP posts:
Greengrapeofhome · 11/06/2024 16:48

does she always have to do the messaging first to organise meeting up?

FrenchandSaunders · 11/06/2024 16:51

Whatever she says about being happy her sons are still at home, I’m sure it can’t be true!

I can’t think of anything worse than retiring and having kids mid 30s loafing about.

BellaDelBosco · 11/06/2024 16:52

Or maybe the friend is sincerely not keen on babies and, knowing how much space they take in people's heads, she is distancing herself from the situation?

BellaDelBosco · 11/06/2024 16:55

FrenchandSaunders · 11/06/2024 16:51

Whatever she says about being happy her sons are still at home, I’m sure it can’t be true!

I can’t think of anything worse than retiring and having kids mid 30s loafing about.

I do not know, I remember my grandmother's house, some of my uncles lived there until their 30s, it was this big arty house, full of parties, and books and paintings and all sorts of people. My uncles were all working, travelling and that was their base. At one time my cousin took refuge there too. I felt so free there. There is a joy in a family of adults who get along and live together

itsmylife7 · 11/06/2024 16:57

I've not read all the replies but maybe she's upset that your friendship is going to really change.

Your Grandchild will be a priority and they'll be no meeting up like you do now.

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