Friend has dropped me since I told her I am to have a grandchild

[Helensburghmiddleagedmum]

Just as it says in the title, my closest friend who I see at least once a week and am in contact with by phone and messenger has dropped me like a ton of bricks now that I am to have a grandchild.

To give you a bit of background, she is 10 years older me and has two sons who both still live at home with her and her husband (they are 35 and 37) and have never had a relationship. She thinks this is wonderful, they are all so independent she says, they all contribute, help with paying the council tax, doing a share of the cooking etc. She has always said she is glad she won't have grandchildren as she doesn't want the responsibility. I have always said to her that I would love grandchildren and that I think that both of my sons would love a family.

Anyway, one of my son's and his partner are 20 weeks pregnant and I told my friend the good news over a week ago. We were at another event together on Sunday and I announced my good news to our mutual group of friends and my friend just got up, walked away from the table, and didn't come back for 15 minutes.

I suspect she is jealous, that she does really want grandchildren and that she is upset. I have been waiting for her to message me, like she always does, at the beginning of the week, for us to get together later in the week for a coffee/lunch. She is retired and is busy doing other things so our arrangement is that she lets me know when suits her. But, this week there is nothing.

So, what do I do? Do I contact her or is that putting her under pressure when she doesn't actually want to see me at the moment? Or do I leave her for a while to get used to the news?

Wow, your friend was staggeringly rude!

I’m probably around your age as I have young grandkids and so do the majority of my friends. The only friend who would be uncomfortable about such an announcement wouldn’t make it about her anyway but we’d all be considerate of her feelings. She had a baby adopted as a teenager back in the 1970’s (not her choice!) and then later got married but didn’t have any more children. She’s a widow now and I know struggles sometimes with the way her life turned out but she doesn’t wallow in self pity at all.

I’d probably give your friend a few days to cool off and then take it from there. However, is the friendship 50/50 give and take or is the default you having to pander and tip toe around her if it’s something that she doesn’t like? Friendship is about sharing the good times and supporting each other when life gets tricky. Yours sounds like it might be fairly one sided though?

If so, in your shoes, I’d be the one dropping her unless she apologised for her rude behaviour.

Jealous is a mean way of putting it. Would you say that about someone ttc if they were upset about a friend being pregnant?

If she’s been hiding her true feelings about being a grandparent and is actually very sad, she needs time to get over it. Either she’ll get past it, or (more likely) you’ll become absorbed in being a grandparent and not be good company for each other.

I suspect it’s the loss of your friendship she’s grieving rather than the absence of grandchildren. I am grandchildless and happily so, but I’ve found it difficult to maintain friendships with people who have grandchildren because of the way it dominates their conversation. Perhaps she is seeing your friendship disappear.

Did your friend get.in touch @Helensburghmiddleagedmum ?

I would suggest taking the time today to text any friend you have in common with this one too..

Theres some people that would be texting other friends from a group to get them on side and then someone ends up ostracised.. if your friend is that way inclined, I'd be worried she's laying that frame work with your group already..

She may be upset... I guess she really longs for a grandchildren however in the current situation she can't do anything else then say the contrary to avoid hurtful comments and questions from other people.

She probably starts to realise that it may never happen, she's getting older etc.

She was rude, no doubt about it. But I wouldn't jump to jealousy being the reason. Not every mother of adult kids is desperate for grandchildren. I'm not.

I think it's more likely to be that she is thinking the dynamic between you is going to change. First grandchild is a big thing to a grandparent, not so much for anyone else. I have obviously congratulated my friends on news of their grandchildren because I'm not rude. But I'm not really interested, it's just not a big deal to me. Maybe she's worried that's all you'll talk about now.

I agree she was wrong to act how she did, but all you can do is see how she is now.

Most mature adults, even when really upset about their own circumstances, are able to put that to one side and be genuinely happy for a good friend, and congratulate them.

Even if she was afraid that her friendship with op would change; by the time you are of the age to have gc, you should have cottoned on to the fact that life always changes and nothing ever stays the same forever.

A good way of handling this would have been to congratulate op and express happiness for her and not walk out and ghost her!

And then, later, perhaps when the two friends were alone, she could have alluded to the fact that the subject of gc was difficult for her because she was worried that her two sons might never form relationships and she regrets allowing them to be cocooned in her home, or whatever her specific regret is, and be open and humble about the fact that her life isn’t as perfect as she made it out to be. That’s what proper mature friendship is about surely?

Even if she really doesn’t want gc and is content with her life and was just pissed off that op announced her news to the group and not to her first; to ghost someone is a very petty way to behave.

There's a possibility she feels that you will change. Your time will be used up on your grandchildren and babysitting. If she genuinely isn't bothered with grandkids then it's not a jealousy thing. People are too quick to jump to that word. Maybe she thinks all your conversations now will be about the grandkid etc and because you are now different paths that there's less in common to talk about.

No TuesdayWhistler she hasn't replied to my message to her from yesterday afternoon which is so unlike her.

Thanks everyone for your many comments of advice and opinions.

My own opinion, after giving it masses and masses of thought, is that the whole act of being so happy her two sons still live at home in their mid to late 30s having never had a relationship but contributing by paying the Council Tax and making some meals is what she is trying to convince herself and everyone else. But, I think really she must know that it isn't really ideal that her sons have never left home, got their own place, had their independence and found love and companionship, and sex and possibly children with another person. I also think that really she would enjoy grandchildren, that they wouldn't necessarily be a burden or a commitment (which is what she says about grandchildren) unless she wanted them to be.

I think she doesn't want to admit to herself, and to all the rest of her friends and family, and to her sons themselves, that her life isn't as perfect as she is trying to convince herself.

I see some posters see my idea that she might be jealous as being a terrible thought and one even suggested that I feel superior to my friend which is completely ridiculous. Some posters do feel that she is jealous. Some posters think I have been treated badly by my friend, some people think I am unreasonable and not a nice person.

We are all different and we do all have different ideas and opinions, which is what makes the world go round. I think I know me and I know my friend better than anyone. I don't think I have been insensitive towards my friend in any way. I have given her a few days, I have reached out to her, I have asked her how she is, I have asked if she would like to meet up later this week for coffee or lunch which we have done every week for years unless one of us is on holiday or as has too much on and we meet up at a later date. We have never not replied to a message from each other, ever, even if it is to say we are really busy at the moment and will catch up later. The complete silence from my friend, the fact that she responded to my announcement of a grandchild with a blank stare followed by changing the subject to something inane and not congratulating me followed by later in the week getting up and walking off when I mentioned to our mutual friends that my son and his girlfriend are expecting a baby is just not very nice.

I hope my friend does come round and that we do carry on as before. I have absolutely no intention of ever raising the subject of my grandchild with her again. Whatever her feelings are about it, I will not be deliberately upsetting her by raising a subject that she doesn't want to hear about.

Anyway, like I said, thanks to those of you who took the time to read my posts and give me advice as I have taken it on board and it has helped me with a situation that I am finding quite upsetting and confusing.

Sorry op, I missed the fact that you did tell her before telling the group!

I understand why you must be feeling hurt btw. It’s like the friendship has to be all on her terms, and it’s really upsetting to be ghosted in any circumstances 💐

Thanks for the update op. I feel bad for you and agree with what you’ve said. You did nothing wrong and your friend is being rude and unreasonable. Unless she really is falling apart at your news then there really isn’t an excuse for her to not smile and wish you well. She’s a grown woman.

Of course she’s jealous, what other possible reason is there for her behaviour? But she’ll let it fester because she can’t admit it out loud. Yes not everyone wants grandchildren but your friend is clearly upset that she won’t have any.

I agree with a previous poster, that this may have happened to you but I don't think it's the norm. I have a gorgeous 15 month granddaughter and do a bit of childcare, as do the other grandparents, but we are retired and my husband and I still go on holiday, I meet friends for lunch, have people over, meet friends for coffee and socialise pretty much as we did before she was born. We just work around the babysitting!

I think some people cope with things by putting on a brave face and being positive and that can work really well but then sometimes something throws you. You've not done anything wrong here, maybe she just needs some time to process the news and the feelings it's brought up.

Oh and huge congratulations to you and your family. I find being a granny is lovely! You get all the best bits, to see these gorgeous humans grow and change and develop their own personalities without the exhaustion and sleepless nights (a cliché I know but I really think it's true!)

I hope your friendship with this lady can continue but I do think her behaviour has been extremely rude and hurtful. You sound like a kind and sensitive person.

@Helensburghmiddleagedmum have you tried calling her yet? I haven't seen that in your replies but maybe I read too quickly. Also, you're really good friends. I'd stop by her house and have a chat with her. If you can't do that with a decades old friend, then who can you?

Put yourself in your friend’s shoes for a moment. There’s a heap of difference between saying ‘my son’s partner is pregnant’ and ‘I am to have a grandchild’. The latter flags up that you may be in danger of becoming a grandparenting bore - I know a few of them. They make pretty dull company, and harp on about nappies and teething and such like, and keep cancelling lunch dates at short notice to do grandparent stuff. Maybe your friend fears that you are heading that way, and is preempting the inevitable end of your friendship that will result.

Having grandchildren is lovely, but redefining yourself as a grandparent in the context of long friendships is unnecessary.

People can be weird about pregnancy announcements. Sometimes I think that people struggle with moving through life stages. I was the first of my generation to get pregnant in my extended family. When I told one of my relatives she was really shocked, went quiet, and then started describing in heavy detail - for about 15 minutes - how her friend's dog had died the year before. It was really weird, but she was very nice and normal after that. I think she was hit by the fact that my generation is no longer the "child" generation of the family, and her generation has also "moved up" a notch, so to speak. Maybe she isn't upset you have grandkids, but is shocked to realise you're all now granparent age! Whatever the reason, you never know until you pick up the phone and ask if she's ok.

@Helensburghmiddleagedmum

I agree with what you've said OP in your update apart from this:

"I hope my friend does come round and that we do carry on as before. I have absolutely no intention of ever raising the subject of my grandchild with her again. Whatever her feelings are about it, I will not be deliberately upsetting her by raising a subject that she doesn't want to hear about"

This is no friendship. I presume your grandchild will become one of the most important aspects of your life. It's exciting. And lovely. And you have every right to discuss this with your best friend. There needs to be a middle ground. If grandchildren does turn out to be a sore spot for her, then the convo around them can be kept to a minimum. I think that's fair. She should not expect you or want you to act like they don't exist. It's not right. A quick check in/update/funny anecdote about them could be enough, not endless convos in depth about them. But banning them as a topic is completely wrong and I don't think you should do this.

I really hope you and your friend can have a really good open conversation where she can admit her honest feelings and apologise for her reaction. I hope she realises she can be happy for her friend despite difficult personal feelings. And realise it's on her to explore and manage these feelings.

I'm a therapist and with anything that "triggers" someone, it is on THEM to manage this trigger, not for the world to change and silence this trigger on your behalf. The world will not do this. She needs to deal with her personal feelings and give you a proper apology.

I don't understand some of these replies. You shouldn't be the one chasing
her, she was very rude and should apologise to you. Don't message her again. No need for the stomping off. What did the others say about that? It surely didn't go unnoticed.

“ I have been waiting for her to message me, like she always does, at the beginning of the week, for us to get together later in the week for a coffee/lunch. She is retired and is busy doing other things so our arrangement is that she lets me know when suits her. “

Thus jumped out at me. It’s good she has a busy social life, but at the same time, she dictates when she can see you. So you’re at her beck and call.

In reality, most people know what they’re going to do in the next week or so, and don’t have last minute stuff crop up, so would say that we’ll meet at ‘Rosie’s tea shop’ a week on Thursday, and then fit other events around this arrangement.

However, your announcement means that she has gone down the pecking order , and you will have other priorities on your time.

Congratulations on your future Granny status.. Enjoy!

One sentence does not break a longstanding friendship though. For the ops friend to assume she is going to become a grandparenting bore based on one sentence is a massive reach and completely unreasonable.

Your friend is probably pissed off because she knows your life will now pretty much revolve around grandchildren, as will your conversations. She's probably encountered this before with other friends who become unavailable due to the school run and who talk endlessly about teething and soft play.

Is it reasonable though to blank someone and not return messages on the assumption from one brief announcement, that op will be a crap friend from now on? I don’t think so

No, but I think the OP's own responses to the situation are quite revealing.

When she wrote the post, it was less than a week since she'd made the announcement, so (given that she usually waits for her friend, who has a more complex schedule, to make contact and suggest a time for their roughly weekly meetings) and there had been no message from the OP that had gone unanswered, so there's no reason whatsoever for the melodramatic thread title and references in the body of the OP to 'dropping me like a ton of bricks now that I am to have a grandchild'.

Absolutely it seems likely that the OP's friend was upset or discombobulated by her news in some way the OP couldn't have predicted (and possibly the friend was completely taken aback herself-- I know there have been times in my life where I thought I was fine about something and then unexpected developments from another direction completely threw me), but the question for me is really, if the OP genuinely regards this other woman as her closest friend, then she needs to cut her some slack now, not flounce about complaining that she's 'dropped' her!

Some people withdraw when they're upset. I do. Generally, I will say that to close friends ('I'm upset -- nothing to do with you, but I don't want to engage for a bit. Will be thinking of you with affection as ever'), but I do expect my close friends to deal with that, just as I deal with their ways of dealing with grief, unhappiness, disappointment etc.

A good friend did in fact drop me when I told her I was pregnant for the first time at 40. I had no idea at all this news was going to hit her so hard -- she's a lot older and had been well past childbearing age by the time I met her, so I'd not known she'd wanted children but her relationships hadn't aligned with her fertility. She simply never contacted me again and ignored my phonecalls and messages. Nearly 11 years later, we're colleagues, and have slipped back into a friendship, but have never talked about what happened. I'll respect her need to withdraw.

TL;DR -- friends need to cut genuinely close friends some slack.

OP @Helensburghmiddleagedmum What did your group of mutual friends who were there when she got up and went away, think?