Friend has dropped me since I told her I am to have a grandchild

[Helensburghmiddleagedmum]

Just as it says in the title, my closest friend who I see at least once a week and am in contact with by phone and messenger has dropped me like a ton of bricks now that I am to have a grandchild.

To give you a bit of background, she is 10 years older me and has two sons who both still live at home with her and her husband (they are 35 and 37) and have never had a relationship. She thinks this is wonderful, they are all so independent she says, they all contribute, help with paying the council tax, doing a share of the cooking etc. She has always said she is glad she won't have grandchildren as she doesn't want the responsibility. I have always said to her that I would love grandchildren and that I think that both of my sons would love a family.

Anyway, one of my son's and his partner are 20 weeks pregnant and I told my friend the good news over a week ago. We were at another event together on Sunday and I announced my good news to our mutual group of friends and my friend just got up, walked away from the table, and didn't come back for 15 minutes.

I suspect she is jealous, that she does really want grandchildren and that she is upset. I have been waiting for her to message me, like she always does, at the beginning of the week, for us to get together later in the week for a coffee/lunch. She is retired and is busy doing other things so our arrangement is that she lets me know when suits her. But, this week there is nothing.

So, what do I do? Do I contact her or is that putting her under pressure when she doesn't actually want to see me at the moment? Or do I leave her for a while to get used to the news?

Indeed. But the expectations usually come from Adult children who have kids and expect parents/in-laws to spend lots of time doing the childcare. Usually the replies are predominately that said Adult children are being entitled and that Grandparents shouldn't be expected to HAVE to watch their grandchildren

But I take your point!

Being neurotypical and living at home at 30+ never having had a relationship is pretty odd. And both of them?? Odder.

Your lovely news probably brought this to mind, OP. Deep down as a loving mum she’ll be worried about them. Any sane person would be. She might also wonder what the wider social group that was present thinks about her domestic circumstances because let’s face it, they’re not common. Unless perhaps it’s an “arty” arrangement like a PP described, or they’re in an episode of Dallas and living on a ginormous ranch.

I’m sorry she seems to be taking it out on you. You don’t deserve it although her feelings are understandable.

How are you on "we are going to have a baby?"

I’m not interested in babies either, but it’s basic politeness to congratulate someone and be happy for them when they announce that they’re about to be a grandparent. Saying nothing and immediately getting up and walking away because she resents the space a grandchild might take in the OP’s head would be a rude, self-absorbed way to ‘distance herself from the situation‘ (which isn’t, by any normal standards, ‘a situation’ anyway - she’s simply being asked to react politely to the news of the baby, not fucking adopt it).

So she was OK when you first told her but annoyed(?) when you announced to a group of mutual friends?

About as odd as choosing to be around a judgey social group

If you desperately want something, it’s more of a hurt and sadness than jealousy when someone else close to you gets it (like a grandchild, or child, or getting married etc).

Reach out to her, just say you haven’t heard from her and ask if she’s ok.

First of all, congratualtions, and secondly you haven't don't anything wrong OP. I don't see why you should you be chasing after her messaging her to check if she's ok , when she effectively stomped off. She should be apologising to you in my opinion as she's been incredible rude and handled this badly. To not even say congratulations? That's not a good friend. She sounds bitter and I suspect she's envious of you becoming a grandparent. I bet she's putting on a front when she claims how happy she is her 2 adult children and still living at home.

Of course it’s not the be all. There’s still something a bit strange about not one, but two adult men approaching 40 who have never moved out of their mums. I know they’re not doing any harm and may even be happy blah blah blah… but seriously, do you not think they come across as at least a little weird? What dynamics caused 2 middle aged brothers to not gain independence and leave at some point, even if it was just to a flat share together. Most teenagers and young adults cannot wait to get out of their parents house. And the chances of them finding their first girlfriends and having families now are low considering they’re approaching 40 and still tied to their mums apron strings

Ah fair enough I didn’t read that in the OP

no having a dig was intended at all, I just didn’t read it properly

point point point look at them weirdos

I understand them maybe not having had a relationship, not as easy these days to meet others but why haven’t they bought a flat together or something? You think they’d want a bit of independence from their mother at least.

I don't think it's relevant to the OP's predicament.

I think she's well aware her friends situation is unusual and some people are unnecessarily engaging in a bit of schadenfreude.

I'd ask what is up. She's a close friend who has not congratulated you on your lovely news - is there something wrong? Why should you keep your baby talk quiet. There is a big difference between never having any other topic of conversation and not mentioning it at all.

This. I agree.

Surely two brothers living together is just as weird or weirder as still living with parents? Some people get on with their parents and enjoy their company shrugs. If you measure good parenting skills as "they couldn't wait to get the fuck away from me" I suppose you'd find them a bit odd.

Most people not in relationships stay with their parents-it's just the default really. If another thread on here is anything to go by, they're probably both short and that's the reason they're both single.

Congrats on the great news!

I think you would know your friend well enough to know it’s different behaviour when you announced the news. She is jealous and has negativity about it.

I have a similar experience of negativity with my sister. She is jealous that she doesn’t have a partner or children. I don’t get excitement from her in anything to do with DD. It’s hard.

@Helensburghmiddleagedmum firstly congratulations on the lovely news of your first grandchild, wishing your family lots of joy with your impending little arrival with lots of baby cuddles 💐

Many years ago I was in my local big supermarket with my eldest who was a few months old, I was about to turn 20 so I was relatively young. A mature lady asked to look at the baby in his pram and got a bit overwhelmed and explained her dd's had sat her down and told her neither of them wanted to be a mother and she wouldn't ever be a grandma. She had tears explaining this and the chat moved on to had I always wanted to be a mother etc and I had, so I definitely didn't give her false hope but even with my response she consoled herself maybe her DDs would change their mind. To make matters worse my ds had a personalised cosy toes and he shared a name with her DH, and that triggered her, saying she'd have loved his name carried on. (I imagine mumsnetters think personalised cosy toes are mega tacky, I've kept all 4 of my kids 😅) however yes, this lady was clearly grieving the fact she'd never have a grandchild. She was almost in denial with hindsight.
Maybe your friend is inside struggling with a sense of loss of what will never be?
I'd rather my dc had independence and were off living fully and making their ways in the world by their mid to late 30s as opposed to cooking and helping with the council tax tbh, as much as I love them being around me, I want them to flourish without my constant presence. I suspect most people feel that way.

I hope your friend comes around from this and your friendship is fine, she may just need a bit of space to process she isn't having the lovely things to look forward to that you're now getting.

I think there are probably a couple of things going on here. 1. She may be jealous and it may have brought home to her just how much she is actually longing for her sons to become independent and start their own lives (wondering if it will ever happen despite protests of happiness at the extended childhood situation) 2. She may be dreading you turning into a grand-bore with nothing to talk to her about except your future dgcs and potential impact to your friendship.
I would give her a call, arrange to meet up as normal and in conversation just casually mention that whilst you're excited to become a GP you won't be letting it define you and become your main talking point!

Congratulations firstly.
What a strange wya to response and behave tiwards yoy as a friend.
Weather she likes or wants grandchildren herself.
Leave them to their co dependant lives.
How self are thise who are anti babies.

Gosh everyone here, including the op, is being much more kind and understanding than I would be in this situation.

If one of my best friends couldn’t be happy for me when I announced some news that I was delighted about, and walked off rudely when I announced it, I would definitely not be contacting her, and would be leaving it until she came to me and apologised.

I cannot bear this “me, me, me” attitude where people can’t be happy for others owing to their own personal circumstances. If you are a true friend then you are happy when your friend is happy.

This. Exactly this.

I'm wondering whether the friend suddenly realised that life and the relationship with OP would probably change greatly in a few months. Friend has probably got used to how things are, being busy but having a great friend who can always fit in a meet up. It may well be that she is scared she will lose this once OP's time is taken up with the new baby. Give her time to adjust OP, we can't always know exactly what people are feeling and having adult children at home can be such a mixed bag ( I've got one too!)

Maybe your friend is jealous or upset etc op, but she was also rude to you when you told her about the baby and she blanked you and changed the subject.

She is jealous. Its not really normal to have middle aged sons still living at home with parents. Now should be their time to start a family. It's werid. Congratulations by the way. I'd message and call her and not mention the baby. She'll probably ignore you for a long while, before realising she misses you.