Friend has dropped me since I told her I am to have a grandchild

[Helensburghmiddleagedmum]

Just as it says in the title, my closest friend who I see at least once a week and am in contact with by phone and messenger has dropped me like a ton of bricks now that I am to have a grandchild.

To give you a bit of background, she is 10 years older me and has two sons who both still live at home with her and her husband (they are 35 and 37) and have never had a relationship. She thinks this is wonderful, they are all so independent she says, they all contribute, help with paying the council tax, doing a share of the cooking etc. She has always said she is glad she won't have grandchildren as she doesn't want the responsibility. I have always said to her that I would love grandchildren and that I think that both of my sons would love a family.

Anyway, one of my son's and his partner are 20 weeks pregnant and I told my friend the good news over a week ago. We were at another event together on Sunday and I announced my good news to our mutual group of friends and my friend just got up, walked away from the table, and didn't come back for 15 minutes.

I suspect she is jealous, that she does really want grandchildren and that she is upset. I have been waiting for her to message me, like she always does, at the beginning of the week, for us to get together later in the week for a coffee/lunch. She is retired and is busy doing other things so our arrangement is that she lets me know when suits her. But, this week there is nothing.

So, what do I do? Do I contact her or is that putting her under pressure when she doesn't actually want to see me at the moment? Or do I leave her for a while to get used to the news?

I agree. She is obviously insanely jealous by her reaction to OPs news.
My guess is that she longs to hold a baby grandchild in her arms x

I can't imagine anyone being happy about their able-bodied 35 and 37 year olds still living at home and never having had a relationship. If they were my kids, I'd feel that I must have really fucked up parenting them, honestly.

I think your friend is going through a very hard time, and the happy veneer she has always shown isn't quite the truth.

So you didn't check on her at the time and you haven't contacted her since? You've just waited for her to message you?

Some friend you are.

@Helensburghmiddleagedmum
Mature handling of it, I hope things go well (and congratulations on your grandchild!)

I posted earlier in the thread thanking people for their advice and saying that I messaged my friend at 4 pm today to ask her how she is and if she wants to meet for coffee/lunch later in the week. I didn't mention the baby. I haven't had a response yet though she has read the message and she usually replies straight away. But thank you to you and the few other ars#hol*s who gave me vitriolic comments as I now know not to be stupid enough to post anything on Mumsnet so cheers for that, you are a delightful human being.... Not!!!

@Helensburghmiddleagedmum nice.

Depends what type of person she is, that would guide my actions.

If she's usually supportive and congratulatory about news etc, I'd wonder what's up and ask.

If, on the other hand, she's usually arsey unless she's centre of attention and anyone else's news is met with disdain or indifference but she expects everyone to clap and cheer because shes so marvelous, well, i wouldn't have a friend like that, she'd have to been told to go fuck herself a long time ago.

I don't run around to try and foster or further an unequal relationship.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong OP. It was right to give her a bit a bit of space, now also right to give check in on her in a low key way.

I think people have been rather harsh on you here @Helensburghmiddleagedmum

I think whilst outwardly she presents and has maybe convinced herself she is happy with her life as it is I rather suspect a part of her is mourning the life she could have had and the life you will now be having.

Do just carry on as normal but when the baby is born don't feel you have to check yourself and never mention your grandchild.

Enjoy every minute with your grandchild. I became a grandmother last year and it's fab.

OP clearly said in her earlier posts that her friend messages first because she's the one with the busy schedule and OP is happy to be flexible and meet up whenever suits her friend.

Nice try at having a dig at OP though, if only you'd read the thread first!

You haven’t done anything wrong, OP.

I hope her sons are paying a lot more than the council tax!

Despite what she says about how happy she is that they are at home, and I am sure they are great company, she must know that if they haven't had a relationship and they are still living with their mum that that isn't a usual state of affairs.

I don't know why she thinks having a grandchild would be a responsibility.

Is she actually happy with them at home though? Even if she genuinely was, there’s still a good chance she may feel some sort of embarrassment that her two older adult sons are still single, no kids and living with their mum. Hence all the faux bragging about it and how much she didn’t want grandchildren anyway. Which she probably
really does

she may well be happy about her sons living with her but it could still be a sore spot that she is unlikely to get grandchildren. I mean .. she is unlikely to ever be a grandmother in her eyes, as nice as it is living with your children they arnt babies and no doubt she had hoped one day she would be able to look upon one of theyre children too

Oh God I would not be happy having children that age living at home and never having had a relationship, would be so upset for them. Maybe this has opened her eyes to the fact that life is moving on for your DS and her DSs are stuck at home getting older. If she hasn't confided any concerns about them up until now then she is unlikely to start. I can't wait for grandchildren, congratulations OP! Would advise not to mention baby when you next see your friend, I had a friend who had had 3 miscarriages before I got pregnant and I didn't mention the baby ever, even when 8 months gone, I just talked about other things.

I don’t think you did anything wrong and nice you have messaged her , it maybe what she was waiting for.
perhaps it’s nothing to do with jealousy but perhaps she is worried you will no longer have time for her and will only talk about the baby
theres nothing wrong with you being proud and wanting to gush over your grandchild and show off pictures you are entitled to be proud and happy
however perhaps this is her worry as not everyone is excited by babies and baby talk it could be she’s scared than you’re friendship as it is may change.
try not to let this spoil your excitement and happiness but bare in mind not everyone will share your excitement for whatever reason and perhaps deep down she dreams of a grandchild but doesn’t want anyone to know that’s how she feels as she wants to appear proud of her sons instead of disappointed
maybe this has made her realise that they are not moving on when others are! Maybe other friends have dumped her in order to babysit and for child care and she is fore seeing that with you (rightly or wrongly)
maybe if you meet don’t bring it up and see if she mentions it (don’t think she will)
could you ask her if she’s upset with you?
do you think she’s someone that won’t talk about her feelings? If so there could be a whole lot of things under the surface about why this is affecting her.

What’s the matter with you?

This.

I doubt that it's something as simple a jealousy. I feel sad my 17 yr old will never leave home or have a fulfilling life without me at the rudder for him. Jealous is the wrong word I think.

Not sure how you figure that out? Being a grandparent doesn't mean you have to give up any other socialising, having your own life etc. Even if you will be seeing the grandchild/ren on a regular basis

These things can be simultaneously true, that she could be happy with the situation but also sad on something she's missed out on. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation

Humans are a bit complicated so maybe needs some time to process

Some of the comments on this thread are ridiculous and being deliberately obtuse.

1. congratulations OP, very exciting!
2. you've done NOTHING wrong!
3. even if your friend is secretly sad/worried/disappointed that her sons are still at home and won't give her grandchildren (she might be secretly sad about this) it doesn't mean she gets to stare at you blankly and stalk off in response to your news.

What a shitty friend.

It takes NOTHING to smile and say congratulations then politely excuse yourself to cry alone.

You don't shit all over your best friends news like a 13 year old child. Whether you're secretly sad that you don't have grandchildren or whether you're pissed off that the topic of conversation with your best friend over weekly coffee is likely to involve grandchildren talk.

I find this really selfish. Even if you're hurting, say congrats to your friend! And if you're pissed off, get therapy! How immature seriously.

Because its happened to me and a very good friend.

Who says there won’t be? Unless the OP is going to be doing full time childcare, there will still be time for friends.

Lots of negativity about her 2 ds not being in a relationship. It's not the be all.

I mean, if you read some of the grandparents childcare expectations threads on here, then you'd be forgiven to think it does.