Friend has dropped me since I told her I am to have a grandchild

[Helensburghmiddleagedmum]

Just as it says in the title, my closest friend who I see at least once a week and am in contact with by phone and messenger has dropped me like a ton of bricks now that I am to have a grandchild.

To give you a bit of background, she is 10 years older me and has two sons who both still live at home with her and her husband (they are 35 and 37) and have never had a relationship. She thinks this is wonderful, they are all so independent she says, they all contribute, help with paying the council tax, doing a share of the cooking etc. She has always said she is glad she won't have grandchildren as she doesn't want the responsibility. I have always said to her that I would love grandchildren and that I think that both of my sons would love a family.

Anyway, one of my son's and his partner are 20 weeks pregnant and I told my friend the good news over a week ago. We were at another event together on Sunday and I announced my good news to our mutual group of friends and my friend just got up, walked away from the table, and didn't come back for 15 minutes.

I suspect she is jealous, that she does really want grandchildren and that she is upset. I have been waiting for her to message me, like she always does, at the beginning of the week, for us to get together later in the week for a coffee/lunch. She is retired and is busy doing other things so our arrangement is that she lets me know when suits her. But, this week there is nothing.

So, what do I do? Do I contact her or is that putting her under pressure when she doesn't actually want to see me at the moment? Or do I leave her for a while to get used to the news?

I don't know what to make of your friend and this thread. I would try and focus on your joy. It possible your friend may be jealous or maybe something else has happened. In terms of her children - who knows. They may be disabled etc

I think she might have liked to be told before other friends since you are so close. Also, she might think you have known for a while since pregnancy is at 20 weeks and might feel you could've shared the news earlier with her?

Your friend could be my mother. Neither myself or my two brothers have had children of our own - we are now all in our 50s so extremely unlikely it will happen now.

To say my mother is not happy about it is a understatement. Leaving all that aside, for me what is even sadder is she's now dropped all contact with her oldest friend - someone she's known for nearly 70 years - because said friend does have grandchildren (and now even great-grandchildren) and my mother is 'sicking of hearing about them'.

I hope your friend isn't like that, but I'd prepare myself for the chance that she may well indeed end up 'dropping' you.

It's a bit unfair to just assume that a person is going to become a bore just because they have grandchildren. Obviously this does happen to some as evidenced on the overbearing MIL threads but it's not everyone.

Yabu for saying that your son and his partner are pregnant
Only the female is pregnant

It is such a difficult situation. I have several grandchildren and when the last one was expected I was very nervous about telling a friend who's daughter was having fertility problems. I ended up not saying anything and eventually she saw about it on SM and then reacted angrily that I hadn't told her. Sometimes you can't do right for wrong.

@Calliopespa that’s true but if you’ve been close friends for 10 years you can at least be polite and congratulate your friend. You can at least try to put your feeling aside for 5 minutes to be polite (then go home and take the time to process it). We all have things we might admire in our friends or their circumstances and can feel we might lack in other areas (which can cause envy) however as grown ups we should be able to handle our feelings for 5 minutes and be able to be happy for our friend or pretend to at least. Then either approach them to explain our hurt and that it’s not about them. Or if they don’t want to share their feelings then learn to cope and make peace with it. No one has everything in life and nobody’s life is perfect but friends celebrate each other’s achievements. That’s how you maintain human relationships for long periods of times.

Of course I'm aware of it. It's what I'm saying, but not using any specific conditions to describe it because I'm not a doctor and couldn't diagnose them over the internet if I was! There's something different about them (assuming they exist at all, because the days of hiding away people with differences have passed, I thought?) whether it's neurodivergence or something else. A reason for the friend to be jealous of OPs news. The way she's behaving is weird. At best, I see it as putting a positive spin on a difficult situation.

And yes, not ever having a romantic relationship is weird. It is. Ordinarily people seek out a partner. Or try to.

I'm not saying she shouldn't be proud of her son's, I'm saying it's bloody weird to have to be proud of them for basic ordinary behaviour and it points towards there being something going on that's outside of the ordinary. I actually don't believe she's proud of them. If they exist I think she's ashamed of them and is basically almost keeping them a secret, hiding them away from everyone, in case anyone finds out they're different. It's not very nice, that.

If she was a good friend it wouldn't have hurt her to say "congratulations! but please excuse me I need the loo" with an attempt at a smile. Not stare blank faced, leave and never speak to OP again. It's extremely odd and unkind of her.

And yes, not ever having a romantic relationship is weird. It is. Ordinarily people seek out a partner. Or try to.

No, it’s unusual. “Weird” is just bitchy.

I get the impression there's a reason the two nearly middle aged sons have never left or started relationships, and she's making the best of it and has worked to to convince herself that it's marvellous.

Your pleasure at something it looks like she'll never be able to experience probably pulled a carefully constructed old scab off and left her feeling raw.

If you love your friend and value that relationship, I'd keep making kind, friendly overtures and invitations, and give her space to talk about her situation - if she wants to, but bear in mind she may never want to now.

It could be this is the close of your friendship, in which case, let it go and wish her family well. It wasn't about you.

Agreed! People so quick with the nasty comments about any life style which isn’t date, marry, buy house, have kids!

How depressingly unimaginative and mean!

Yeah, the amount of people throughing about the word “weird” is horrible, and frankly a bit weird in and of it’s self.

God I know that 'we re pregnant ' is just cringe worthy!!

Was she maybe upset at hearing the news at the same time you told everyone?

Id expect my close friend who I see weekly to have told me first. Not that I’d go off in a huff but it might not be jealousy as such.

She did

How ironic. The woman has 2 fully grown sons still living at home.

Her son is expecting a baby, it isn't a situation. She can distance herself from it (like its the plague?) She doesn't have to be so rude.

You've completely missed the point. They aren't HUGE assumptions. She literally knows herself and her friend better than we do, so has made a fair judgement of the situation and come to a realistic view.

No - she has assumed. She cannot handle the idea that not everyone’s dream is to have babies and then watch those babies grow up to make more babies - even when she’s been told this is so.

You’ve done all you can, let her be and hopefully she’ll reach out when she’s ready.

I think your friend is being rude. most people are outwardly happy for their friends when good things happen, ie new job, new partner, children or grandchildren even if the news emotionally hurts them.

Yes it may take time to come around to the news and you’ll be sensitive to her feelings and not talk about it. but grandchildren will be a big part of your life so even if it hurts her I’d still expect some (albeit limited) chat about it.

@StockpotSoup some people will be happy with their children at home as you’ve mentioned in her post. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting grandkids etc. but I think the way the friend has reacted to the OPs news sort of suggests the OP’s take on it is correct.

Why in the world?

Leave the woman alone. Perhaps she has seen this thread. You don't seem to like her much, so just let it go.

Why on earth would she do that?

Congratulations on your grandbaby news, wishing the mummy to be a happy and healthy pregnancy.

No your friend, regardless of her circumstances if she was a true friend she would at least say congratulations, be happy for you and deal with her upset at a later date. Much as most people with fertility issues do. Yes it hurts like hell when people announced their pregnancies, but I still congratulated them and was genuinely happy for them. Even though I was so sad for myself.

I'd leave her too it and move on. If she gets in touch maybe meet for a coffee but leave her now to reach out to you. You haven't done anything wrong. Did your other friends notice her behaviour? Have you spoke to them about this?

You shouldn't have to hide your grandchild from anyone or avoid talking about them, especially if they're supposed to be friends. I do find it odd that you've been friends for so long but haven't met her family or even seen them. I'd keep her now at a safe distance.

Those awful people who think you are in the wrong for not speaking to her earlier etc and giving the "friend" excuses eg not liking babies etc are rather strange. I mean it's still not a good enough reason to react this way. I don't like a lot of things my friends do as I'm not interested but I'm still happy for them.

If people can judge you as not being a nice person or friend then they have very strange relationships. How can this "friend" not be concerned she's upset you? If that was me I'd be mortified at my behaviour, regardless of what is going on at home, if it's that bad and you can't be happy for others then maybe keep yourself to yourself.

Slightly off topic, but my MIL has told the story before of how she and her “best friend” don’t talk anymore as she was waiting for her to call/message but she never did and so MIL didn’t call/message her. I can’t tell you how bizarre this is. Call your friend, find out if she is ok. Your post does sound like you were being a bit gloaty tbh and she might feel you were rubbing it in her face a bit, regardless of whether you were in not, it probably stung. I doubt she is under any illusions that a 35 & 37 year old living at home with mum and dad is a bit odd and she would probably love to see them settled down with a family. She probably trying to save face or be positive. Be kind and reach out.

How are you op? You say you normally communicate at the beginning of the week to arrange the catch-up. Has that happened this week?