Friend has dropped me since I told her I am to have a grandchild

[Helensburghmiddleagedmum]

Just as it says in the title, my closest friend who I see at least once a week and am in contact with by phone and messenger has dropped me like a ton of bricks now that I am to have a grandchild.

To give you a bit of background, she is 10 years older me and has two sons who both still live at home with her and her husband (they are 35 and 37) and have never had a relationship. She thinks this is wonderful, they are all so independent she says, they all contribute, help with paying the council tax, doing a share of the cooking etc. She has always said she is glad she won't have grandchildren as she doesn't want the responsibility. I have always said to her that I would love grandchildren and that I think that both of my sons would love a family.

Anyway, one of my son's and his partner are 20 weeks pregnant and I told my friend the good news over a week ago. We were at another event together on Sunday and I announced my good news to our mutual group of friends and my friend just got up, walked away from the table, and didn't come back for 15 minutes.

I suspect she is jealous, that she does really want grandchildren and that she is upset. I have been waiting for her to message me, like she always does, at the beginning of the week, for us to get together later in the week for a coffee/lunch. She is retired and is busy doing other things so our arrangement is that she lets me know when suits her. But, this week there is nothing.

So, what do I do? Do I contact her or is that putting her under pressure when she doesn't actually want to see me at the moment? Or do I leave her for a while to get used to the news?

Yes, grandchildren are every woman’s dream and anyone who suggests otherwise is a bitter, jealous dried-up old hag!!

Interesting! Until this post, @Helensburghmiddleagedmum, I had a picture of your friend forming in my head. Roughly, I saw a woman who had well and truly clipped the wings of her sons to deliberately keep them at home dancing attendance on her, The Matriarch Queen Bee. One son might 'fail to launch', but both of them?

But, I would expect a Matriarch Queen Bee to parade her sons in front of her friends, because she'd be so very proud of her achievement. Only, your friend doesn't. In TEN YEARS, "none of us has ever seen her sons or even any photos of them". So my picture of Matriarch Queen Bee is wrong.

I know a couple of people have theorised that the sons don't exist, but for me that doesn't fit either. If she had invented two sons, she'd have made the story a whole lot easier by having them both working abroad, very successful, so busy, I don't know what they do they tried to explain but it's so high flown, blah blah blah. No, I don't believe the two sons are pure invention.

So then another picture formed, based on a family I knew who lived it . Two sons damaged in childbirth by oxygen starvation (cord round the neck in both cases), the mother keeping them both at home with her because she didn't want them to go into institutions. Both sons were able to work via Remploy, but would never have been able to live independently. The boys/men lived with their parents until the death of their father, at which point the mother realised she had to ensure their future after her death, and they both went into supported living.

I wonder if this is where your friend is now. She has two working sons living with her and her husband/their father, of an age when under 'normal' circumstances, they'd have long moved out. She's proud of them for taking their turn at cooking the family meals, proud of them for working, proud of them contributing to the family finances. But, she's treading water and she knows it. Her sons are never going to live independently, possibly not even want to do so. This is her life, and this is always going to be her life, until she dies.

And then you announce you are going to be moving to another phase of your life, becoming a grandmother. And it brings home to her that she has no new phases to her life, just more of the same. If my guess is right, I don't think she's envious of your impending grandmotherhood. I expect she accepted long since that that was never going to be on the cards, dealing with it publicly by claiming "she is glad she won't have grandchildren as she doesn't want the responsibility". No, it has just underlined to her how her future is absolutely set in stone - more of the same.

This is all just me guessing. I may be very far off-beam.

In your shoes, I'd keep going. Sweep the elephant in the room under the rug as best you can! Continue to make contact, text her, suggest lunch. Hopefully, she will respond.

Why is a relationship the be all and end all? The living at home is a separate issue (although it’s becoming more and more common given house prices these days), but not everyone wants to go two by two like the animals onto the ark.

You don’t like her and you’re not a very good friend. She probably feels the same way about you.

you have mentioned the single sons and the council tax twice. The council tax thing is really really odd to fixate on. You obviously have judgement about the sons living at home - it’s what makes you feel superior to her.

she probably senses this.

She is probably as bad as you - but you aren’t kind to each other so why are you friends?

@Helensburghmiddleagedmum search her name and your area on the internet and, if they are visible, whoever lives in her household aged over 18 will come up on 192.com

I’m wondering if her sons might be disabled too.
Unable to live fully independently.
Or maybe she thinks your relationship will change for the worst and she really, really cannot bare to talk about other people’s grandchildren.
I have a friend who does not like children. She openly admits it. She will enquire after my dcs though. When we go out (in a group) she us always entertaining and fun.
It all sounds very odd whatever the reason.

Please don’t do this. Whatever is going on, whether she is rude or jealous or whatever, she’s obviously in pain for whatever reason. Don’t snoop into things she hasn’t wanted to share with you.

It does seem strange that your friend has suddenly stopped speaking, or even just a message saying she's sorry but is busy but will catch up soon.

Are you the one she's closest to out of your friendship group?
Has she been in contact with any of the others?

We could come up with all sorts of guesses as to why she's keeping her distance, jealousy, embarrassment that her DC haven't formed relationships, the thought you'll be busy helping with the baby and no longer have time to see her so she's getting in first, there could be many reasons why, but she's the only one that can tell you for sure.

I hope after such a long friendship she'll eventually open up to you as it sounds like you do enjoy your time spent with her.

A grandchild won't stop them meeting up , why should it ?

Please stop using the word jealous. It's a bitchy kind of word and implies malice. Envious is somewhat better.

Jealousy can describe feelings tied to fear of losing something that you have, resentment that someone has achieved something you want, or being protective of possessions or relationships. Envy is a feeling that describes longing for someone else's things, qualities, privileges, or luck, and the pain of not having them.*
https://www.verywellmind.com/envy-vs-jealousy-is-there-a-difference-7109842

If she's struggling with your news, it's because she's sad and upset at the way her life has turned out. So though her behaviour seemed rude, she's clearly struggling, so try have some empathy.

Because you end up looking after the child as your daughter can't cope....as happened to a friend of mine.

So her life has drastically changed.

Let her take the lead with this. If it's a genuine friendship, you will be able to talk about it in time.

It could be she assumes her sons will never have children, for whatever reason, or could be that she genuinely doesn't want gc. It's OK to not want to talk about gc all the time but she should be able to show some interest and happiness for you. I hope she opens up so you can understand her better.

A real friend is happy when something positive happens, they don’t stomp off and go silent. Even if you feel a twinge of envy, you still plaster on a smile and offer your congratulations.

As a PP advised, leave her be now. You’ve texted and phoned, that’s all you can do. It’s up to her to get back in touch.

I agree with this OP and while I understand you are excited, I think you need to prioritise her possibly complicated feelings around this. I’d focus on other things till she brings it up.

My own opinion, after giving it masses and masses of thought, is that the whole act of being so happy her two sons still live at home in their mid to late 30s having never had a relationship but contributing by paying the Council Tax and making some meals is what she is trying to convince herself and everyone else. But, I think really she must know that it isn't really ideal that her sons have never left home, got their own place, had their independence and found love and companionship, and sex and possibly children with another person. I also think that really she would enjoy grandchildren, that they wouldn't necessarily be a burden or a commitment (which is what she says about grandchildren) unless she wanted them to be.

You’re making some huge assumptions about your friend AND her sons. You won’t allow yourself to believe that a) she could genuinely enjoy having her sons living with her, b) her sons are happy single and c) she understands that and doesn’t see it as some kind of failure - either on her part or theirs - that they haven’t got into long term relationships. You’re also suggesting that you know better than she does when it comes to whether she’d enjoy having grandchildren.

Obviously I don’t know your friend, so I can’t say you’re wrong about the not wanting grandchildren all being a big act. Maybe you’re right and she does secretly “long to hold a baby grandchild in her arms”, as one poster rather mawkishly put it. But do her the courtesy of taking what she said at face value - because it’s bloody frustrating when people try to tell you what you want. Take it from someone who has lost touch with more than one friend after they became mothers and couldn’t resist telling me how they were like me once, they never thought they’d want children either, but once it happens you can’t describe the feeling… ad nauseum. Maybe she’s not jealous at all, but already feels like she’s being pitied and that it’s only going to get worse now.

It's the never having had a relationship of any kind that's weird. It's not what people do under normal circumstances. Some have disastrous relationship and decide to be single, some sleep around, some date but don't settle, some can't get past a first date because for whatever reason they're not finding people who want to date them, some people are asexual and never intend to have sex, some people are slow to get started with dating. To have never had any romantic entanglements at all though? That's odd. In both sons who are both mid 30s? That's even odder. Then the fact they're both failure to launch and that nobody has ever seen them, it's getting plain bizarre now. The woman is hiding something, whether there's something different about her sons or whether she's made them up entirely who knows. All the talk of "house sharing" and "being proud" of them (for achieving some level of basic ordinary human behaviour) etc just sounds like her putting positive spin on a difficult situation.

I reckon she's jealous too. Not envious because that wouldn't cause her to have no manners. You can be envious of someone and still happy for them, polite to them, maybe even explain you're finding their circumstances difficult. Jealous people are the ones who behave selfishly because it consumes them. This woman isn't being a friend to OP, she's being rude. Being in emotional pain herself doesn't excuse that IMO.

Not much you can do about it now OP. If she doesn't want to be friends that's that.

@EdgeOfTheAbysssss it doesn’t really sound like OP knows anything about these men though. She doesn’t know what they do for a living, what they look like. Just that they still live at home. She might have reason to be proud that they’re paying the council tax, that might have seemed unachievable at one point.

I agree she has been rude, but I also wondered if she was composing herself in the bathroom when she left the table.
There just seems to be a few bits of the puzzle missing.

What a pile of shit

It’s such an odd reaction on her part. If she was really a good friend she would’ve at least said congratulations and been supportive even if she doesn’t want that for herself. If she isn’t jealous and is actually happy then why be such an unsupportive friend. If you really care about someone and they happily announce good news that makes them happy then why have such a bad reaction. Not everything is about her. Each friend should have their moment to celebrate. Not everything should be about her and her feelings. If you pretend everything is perfect then have a breakdown over your friend having good news then that’s on you. Either be honest with your friends that you are having a difficult time or carry on pretending. People aren’t mind readers and have to run around after you because clearly there’s a problem and everyone has to walk on eggshells but no one openly admits it. Either she needs to address if there is a problem or to learn how to be happy for others.

This is really odd. I don’t think OP is in the wrong here and can’t see why some people are being so vile. Whatever issue your ‘friend’ has, whether it be that her sons don’t exist and it’s all a big cover up or they do exist and she’s secretly jealous or may be she isn’t jealous, but just isn’t interested in baby talk….. She is the shit friend, if she was a decent person she would be happy for you, knowing this is something you are excited about! Yes she doesn’t need to be talking about it constantly, but a congratulations for her friend isn’t much to ask for. Quite frankly I think her behaviour is appalling. I’m sorry you are going through this OP, but I think she’s a rubbish friend.

Now instead of you focusing on this great news you are chasing her because of her reaction. It’s taking up your energy and joy. You’ve really tried and it’s not like her not to respond to you so clearly something is wrong but I think it’s unfair that you keep chasing her. Let her come to you if she is ready to be honest. If she doesn’t get in touch but you see her in a future group setting you can ask her why she hasn’t been in touch and has something happened. Hopefully she will be honest. If she brushes you off then say how its made you feel and that you would be supportive if it was the other way around.

Hardly easy these days with housing costs.

I know a couple whose daughter and husband live with them. They all like loving together.

It’s almost as if you have never heard of neurodivergence🤦‍♀️.

two adult men, no relationships living with their parents who are proud as punch that they work? Of course could be a lot of reason - but don’t be so nasty and judgemental.

I have a colleague whose two adult autistic sons live at home. It’s not weird. Please educate yourself. Everyone is different. The path of Marie’s with two kids by Kate twenties isn’t followed by everyone - people who don’t have romantic relationships aren’t weird! They just have a different life to you.

Not everything is about her but equally not everything is about op. The friend may have her own battles that we can’t fully appreciate and which caused her to act this way.

Loving together😂
But I agree: let people be a bit different without having to be labelled “ weird.”