Have you ever met a mum who genuinely didn't let their kids' dad see the kids for no good reason?

[TERFCat]

Obviously, this is a tired trope regularly thrown at single mothers by dads and their families who just can't be arsed. Most times I've heard it, I've known for a fact that it's false.

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, who introduced his brother as a poor guy who wasn't allowed to see his kids. The story was full of holes, and I ditched the date soon after. It got me thinking though, a lot of people would surely have taken that tale at face value and slagged off a woman they'd never even met. It's just acceptable misogyny.

Anyway, it got me thinking, has anyone ever actually known a woman in real life who has stopped their ex from seeing their kids?

Yes absolutely I have and more than one sadly. Off the top of my head I can recall 6 but there's more!
The mothers were resentful and bitter and used their kids as pawns.
Met others who were justified but only two I can recall with genuine safe guarding reasons.

Yanbu. I've seen far far more of the opposite: mums who keep encouraging her kids to see their useless, ill-tempered and reluctant father just...because. Because they're afraid to be criticised if they don't, or even because court has ordered it. Even though, by any measure including the kids' own wishes, it's better for the kids if they don't have to see him.

Sadly yes, never mind those who don’t let the child see a grandparent when they have fallen out over frustrating but ultimately trivial matters.

Yes, a man who married into our family (long after divorce) was prevented from seeing his daughter. He paid over and above CMS for her until she was 18 and kept all receipts in case she ever gets in touch and had been told otherwise by her mum. They’ve moved a couple of times and each time he’s insisted on allocating her a bedroom (which was never visited or used of course, but just in case). He went through the courts who found in his favour but she never stuck to their agreements and when the girl reached about 12 her mum managed to get into her head enough that she then sent him a text telling him to leave her alone. It’s devastated him and he can’t talk about it so it’s never discussed. He’s a lovely guy and he and my relative have had a very happy marriage, but he will be forever sad about it.

No. But I don't know any one who doesn't let their kids see their exes. And given how extraordinarily annoying those exes are, that is some testament to what mothers will put up with for the benefit of their children.

Yes of course it happens and yes I do know men this has happened to. Just from mumsnet it's clear to me that a lot of women don't like or want their exes involved after the split, my kids dad doesn't see them (his choice) and other women often tell me how lucky I am that I don't have to "share my kids" and I get to "parent how I want" as they "wish their ex would go away" 🙄 it's very naive to think it doesn't happen.

Along the same lines actually I have another relative who has banned her children from seeing their grandparents. What happened was when she got together with her DH (their son), she already had a DC from a previous relationship, then they went on to have 2 more. She wanted her in laws to look after all the kids for 2 weeks so she and her DH could go on holiday. When the in laws said they wouldn’t be comfortable caring for her oldest DC (they were still quite little so it would’ve meant bathing them etc), she banned them from seeing all the kids. So unfair on the youngest 2.

Only one that I know personally. His ex is unfortunately in an abusive relationship with her new partner and they moved abroad without any warning. The guy has spent thousands (to the point of selling his house and moving in with his parents) on court and trying to find his daughter.

One through work who would regularly update us that the other parent “wasn’t allowed” to see the child/have reports etc and would kick up hell when we had to remind them that anyone with PR could request reports and collect a child and we couldn’t change that without a court order. It would be a few weeks of ranting and then silence for a few months. Then the same again.

I know several, including my ex, who claim to not be allowed but it’s utter bullshit.

Surely that evidences the opposite.

Explain how? No I don't see how? Many women wish their exes would go away and have actually said this to me so to believe no woman ever stops their ex is ridiculous and yes I know of women in real life that have done just that.

Never. I've known fathers desperate to have strong relationships with their children and fathers who haven't given a shit. I've never known a mother prevent her children from seeing their father when he's initiated contact.

I have known women who dropped the rope, so to speak. No longer chasing the uninterested father on the children's behalf, no longer inconveniencing themselves to help the father. But never one to prevent a father who put in the effort.

I'm sure they must exist somewhere.

I have, however, come across plenty of men who claim their crazy ex wives stop them from seeing the children. It's funny how sane those ex wives are if you actually talk to them...

Knew a couple.
one, the dad ended up spending £10ks on court fees because she kept breaking contact orders etc. Luckily his parents could lend him the money. the mum made up all sorts of stuff including that he had been to her new home and beaten her up on a very specific date. Only thing was it was slap bang in the middle of a 2 week stint working in the Far East. Numerous other easily proven lies. No idea why she was like that. I think she had just fallen out of love and wanted not to have to bother with him. Her child ended up hating her And now she's at Uni is no contact.
Also worked with someone who left her husband for another man and didn't want to bother having to plan around ex having access. If she wanted to go on holiday when it was ex's time she just didn't bother telling him so he'd turn up to collect and they would be in Spain or wherever. But she was an utter cow to work with as well, the sort that takes the credit for other people's work but quick to blame a junior if things go wrong.

Because all these women you know wouldn't be annoyed at all had they stopped their children seeing their exes.

Yes I totally have and it’s a common thing in family court.

Yea I know of a few. Then there are the ones that make it impossible and change plans on a whim just because they can.

But then I don't agree with the advice always given on here to not name men on the birth certificate. Just because they are a shitty partner doesn't mean they will be a shitty Dad

I know of one where she invented domestic violence. It really shocked me because she admitted it to us but had police reports all done with one aim, getting her ex’s 50:50 parenting declined.

Did I say I know them this is on MN. But it's shocked me how many women don't want their exes to see the children.

Yes, I do know one. A nasty piece of work; lots of lying (on many subjects, not just this one) and parental alienation. She's a member of my family and I feel sorry for her ex.

On the other hand, I also know several mothers who still enable contact between their kids and the kids' fathers even though the fathers were abusive towards the mothers. The court says contact, so the kids have contact. Personally I think the kids would be better off away from those dads (who aren't good people to be around), but the mums obviously feel they just have no choice.

my husbands Mum. She admitted that she wanted to keep her children to herself after her divorces and she did. She quite jollily admitted that she made it next to impossible
for her kids Dad's to have any contact after the divorces. She was a woman of means and moved several times and made it really difficult.

Yes, two.

In both cases they were horribly jealous that they'd moved on and met other women.

No.

If mums try to do this then go to court and if you’re a good dad, you’ll see your kids. These dads always have an excuse for not doing that. Their ex is always a nightmare. 🙄

There’s always women on the step parenting board saying her husbands ex is a nightmare, she treats his children badly.....but he’s doing nothing about it because the ex won’t let him see the kids. Yeah right. 💩

Yes. My DP's ex made out he was abusive and controlling and played the parental alienation card with the courts. The children adore their dad and tried to tell Cafcass it was their mum who was the controlling one but even when mum hit one of them, the court managed to say oh well she was just overwhelmed. As the kids got older they just ignored the court orders, which were for very limited contact, and their mum. Sadly, as they are growing up they are having less and less to do with her. There has been no hint of abuse from DP in the years we've been together and I've seen how he is with the kids and what they've told me.

I do know women who have stopped their ex seeing them kids because he’s an abusive prick to them. Even in some of those cases, the dad was awarded supervised access. It’s actually very difficult to stop a parent seeing their children.

My mate did this and is in total denial about the damage it's caused her kids.

The DD is 5yrs older than the DS and she's spent the last decade covering up her father's alcoholism, his physically and psychologically abusive behaviour (including chasing the DD out the house with a hammer after he had slapped her about the face when he was drunk and she wanted to cook dinner for her DB) and trying to support her DB when they are introduced to yet another girlfriend as his new mum after a fortnight of dating.... Add in the multiple kids they've had to share beds with in that time and it's an absolute clusterfuck.

The DD is now 18 and has refused to see her father for 3 years. The DS still thinks the sun shines out his arse and isn't mature enough yet to understand what has been going on all these years.

Oh, and the paternal grandmother was present for the hammer incident, lied about it to the police, claimed the DD was lying about the assault and the hammer to get him in trouble and so it went nowhere. Classy, eh?

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